Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Cost of Womanhood

I wish I were a man. A large, hairy, unshaven, smelly-breathed, foul odoured man. A man who can burp and fart (at the same time!) and have nobody think less of him. Especially if there is a football game on and a beer in one hand and a bowl of chili in the other. As a woman, and as a rule, burping and farting aren't particularly cute. Unless you are MamaTulip then it is sexy as hell.

But I'm not Ms.Tulip, and if I tried that party trick of hers, I'd have people tossing rotten tomatoes and over-ripe eggs at my head. Not to mention, I can barely muster up a pathetic burp after ingesting a big ole soda with lots of air to spare. Not only can men make odd body sounds and get away with it, they find it funny. Talk about self-amusement!

Nope, as a woman, I'm not supposed to sweat, have bodily functions or find potty humor funny. I make a lousy woman, seeing as I do all of those things. And I'm not going to whine, I mean, mention the horrors joys of pregnancy, childbirth and menstruation.

I love being a woman. Not.

I have a slightly used uterus for sale, any bidders? No? Damn, I don't want it either.

Where is all this coming from, you ask? Alright, I'll tell you. Save poor Roxylynn from having to hear about it when I call her later today. (Who am I kidding, we all know I'm gonna whine about this as often as I can, at every given opportunity.)

Last night, my darling Boo told me he would be home by Monday of next week. Whoo hoo! The dry spell has an end in sight. I can stop buying batteries for my favorite pet ,the Rabbit and focus on meeting up with Mr. Pickle once more.

Yes, I'm a dirty girl...I like having sex with my husband. Which is why I married him. Oh yeah, that and I love him. Can't forget that.

Of course, once Boo gets home, he has other chores to perform, not all of them inside the bedroom. The kids have missed him, so there will be hours of quality video gaming time to be had, wood to be cut (hello! We live in Canada, and it's cold during the winter!), and garbage to be taken to the dump. (I don't take garbage to the dump. It smells up my car.)

But, let's face it, those bedroom chores are very important. Especially after being gone for a month.

In anticipation of our reunion (giggle), I decided it was time to deforest my legs and spend some time down south, trimming the wildlands known as the bush. (Classy, aren't I?) Since he's been gone for ever, there hasn't been much personal grooming needed, other than an occasional shower. I've been growing my hair out in all regions. Legs, pits, and well, you catch my drift.

Since I'm fairly certain my husband doesn't want to be greeted by a Sasquatch, it was time for some serious hair removal. I hunted everywhere for razors, but damn it, my son must have taken my last one. He keeps thinking if he shaves his peach fuzz he will start growing stubble. Won't that be cool, a fully bearded nine year old. I have explained that his father has yet to reach puberty and hardly needs to shave, but somehow it is not getting through the wax in that boy's ears.

I didn't have razors, I was out of chemicals to kill the little hairs, but way back in the corner of the bathroom cabinet was a lone, dusty box of waxing strips. Forgot about those little buggers. Well, I have a week to heal if I rip off my skin, I thought to myself as I blew the dust off the box.

Won't Boo be horny happy when he sees me, I thought.

Now, I have never waxed my legs before, as I have long legs and that just seems like an endless endurance test of torture. But I've had my brows ripped regularly, even my upper lip (not that I needed it...just thought I'd try it, thank you very much!) and none of it hurt all that badly. Besides, I've squeezed out three babies and buried one of them. What could hurt more?

Bravely, I walked to the door, made sure the kids were in bed, and then stripped. I looked at my little patch of paradise and took a deep breath and applied the wax strip. No going back now, right?

After reading the directions, I pulled the skin tight and took a big breath and let 'er rip. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!! I looked down expecting to find my skin attached to that little piece of plastic and wax with blood oozing everywhere, but instead, there were only hairs. A lot of freaking hairs. But still many more hairs to go. How many times was I supposed to do this to myself, I thought.

Never one to be a quitter, I had to try again. I applied the next strip to an already raw piece of skin and tugged again. GEEPERS F%9*KIN* HOLY MOTHER MARY!!! This hurt even worse. Now there was pin pricks of blood appearing and my skin was quickly starting to bruise.

Great, now I had a lopsided, still hairy, bruised and bloody crotch. Won't I be sexy for my husband. But if you think I stopped there, you underestimate my tolerance for self-mutilation and my level of persistence. There is no way I'm walking around with a crooked crotch.

After ripping through all the wax strips in that box I finally managed to even things out. Painfully, might I add. And when I woke up this morning I discovered my bikini area covered in little red scabs and was a pretty shade of blue and green. Aren't I a foxy momma?

Several lessons were learned here. Lessons I feel obliged to share. One should never wax one's nether regions if they haven't a clue what they are doing. People pay money to go to school to learn how to rip and remove. I wasn't one of them, but I now hold these people in the highest esteem. One should always be wary of that dusty box they can't remember purchasing in the dark corners of any cabinet. It can be a tool of the Devil, just waiting to lull you into a false sense of security and then WHAM! Presto, pain!!!

One should always hide their razors from their hairless children (or any child if the adoption folk are reading this) so that this situation should never arise again. One shouldn't be so lazy and let herself grow until she resembles a furry little monkey.

And finally, unless one speaks the language and knows the culture, one should stay the hell out of Brazil and just stick to the North country. It's hairier, sure, but a whole lot warmer and less painful.

I hate being a woman.


Anonymous Ellie said...

hi, that is so funny i'm glad i hade the sense to finish my coffee first!! next time put talcum powder on first then it just gets the hairs not your skin!
E x

8:56 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol, there is a knack but I'm not going to explain it on here, but the gist of it is small area at a time from the inside out and pull as taut as possible, otherwise you get the bruising and yes plenty of talc!

jenny uk

9:38 a.m.  
Blogger dennis said...

I prefer a sharpened razor for that activity :)

However I do remember once when a 'friend' of my slapped an EpiLady up against my 3-day old growth on my face...

9:45 a.m.  
Blogger Fidget said...

i'm so sorry to laugh at you pain but god damn it woman that was funny!

10:06 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Can't. Comment. Laughing. Too. Hard. Can't. Breathe.



10:51 a.m.  
Blogger Christina said...

Ow, ow, ow.

I've waxed my eyebrows and my legs, but that area is totally off limits. I'll trim to keep it looking well-groomed and not a wooly-jungle, but wax or razors will never touch my skin down there. And you've just given me more reason why. :)

11:58 a.m.  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...


I can't stop laughing!

My God, t. You need to star opposite Ben Stiller in a "romance" movie.

12:12 p.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

I consult a professional on a monthly basis for such deforestization. It is not something one should try at home, if one is as clueless as I (we) am (are).

12:32 p.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

I consult a professional on a monthly basis for such deforestization. It is not something one should try at home, if one is as clueless as I (we) am (are).

12:36 p.m.  
Blogger toyfoto said...

This was just painful to read. In a side splitting funny kinda way.

2:02 p.m.  
Anonymous Charming Driver said...

When I got ''too pregnant'' to deal with, or have any interest in, shaving I got some Veet and have never looked back. Slap it on your legs, pits or your fancy place, wait 3-6 minutes and DONE!!

3:22 p.m.  
Blogger carrie said...

You have made my day!! I am glad to have found you!

As for the waxing, I hear a bottle of wine and a days worth of ibuprofen work well before you head to the salon to have it done (not that I'd know from experience or anything...)

I hate being a girl because I can't pee standing up. Which I think is totally unfair.


4:03 p.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

If you ever need a razor, just call. I will gladly save you the pain, although I have to admit, it's much funnier this way. My only advice is to throw away that box and never purchase another home waxing kit again! They never work the way they are supposed to.

4:44 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

For the love of Jesus woman. Do what I do-have sex in the dark and no one is the wiser. If you let it grow long enough the hair gets soft.

Do I have to think of everything around here???

4:47 p.m.  
Anonymous Jacquie said...

OMG I swear I'm going to pee my pants (now how's that for classy woman).
Way way back I decided to wax the old legs boring huh, but I have to say when I left the place I was at I only had 1 leg done and the other leg well it has been eternally grateful. My vah-jay-jay well it cringed reading this ;-)
Me I'd much rather push a kid out of there with NO drugs, wait a minute already did that.

5:25 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

Dear god, that was funny. Oh...no, not your pain. Of course not. I would never laugh at that. But the event...captured in words for the world to witness. I can only hope that you rewarded in many different positions...uh...ways. Hmmmm....no really good way to say that. But you know what I mean. You deserve it!

5:48 p.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Oh. My. God.

Just, ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

7:06 p.m.  
Blogger se7en said...

Hey! Just stopping by to say hello and glad to see you're doing well... besides the scabs and bruises LOL ;)

10:38 p.m.  
Blogger Kristen said...

Do you want to hear about the time Tim helped me wax and I ended up with a bald spot in a place that isn't my head and isn't my legs....

11:48 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Don't you know by now that men think a lot of hair is very sexy? Men are cavemen and not only think that burping and farting are cool, but they think that wild women should be hairy as well.

Why do we women put ourselves through this hell? I think I only shave once or twice a year -- probably when I'm going in for my annual pap smear.

Too funny. Hope you heal before your husband gets home.

4:05 a.m.  
Blogger Canucked-up mama said...

Aiii-yaaaaaaaa. Congrats to you for even attempting the wax. Despite the fact I have pushed out a baby, I haven't ever had wax applied down there 'cause no one I know offers epidurals when you have a Brazilian.

Perhaps it will ease the pain to think of Steve Carell's real chest wax while filming "The 40-Year Old Virgin"?

9:19 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

here you go RM.

I thought you might be able to relate to this one.

11:17 a.m.  
Anonymous Chaos Control said...

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. And ouch.

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Oh, yes, I hear you. All the stupid relentless grooming we have to endure. And much of it is so painful. Pulling out hairs from three quarters of your body (more if you have hairy arms like I do!) is no fun. (And pulling babies out of tiny orifices? Isn't THAT a huge cosmic joke!)

My advice? Stock up on razors.

Or... embrace the hair on you.

I hope Boo appreciates everything you've been through!

1:21 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Oi, I just remembered something. You have long legs? I officially withdraw my sympathy for your waxing pain.

1:44 p.m.  
Blogger penelopeto said...

that was awesome. he better appreciate it.

2:38 p.m.  
Blogger kfk said...

Ok, for that, I am so voting for you. Good God, woman, you have inspired me to NEVER have that done!

5:59 p.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

Ow. And ew. And yikes.

10:22 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Ok, eight hours later and I'm still laughing at this.

I was just thinking that you're probably lucky that you've gone to such efforts in deforestation, otherwise perhaps Boo would consider you a Yeti and open up the house to tourists and media. "Ten dollars a look at the local Yeti."

10:49 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. Ethel said...

Just dropped by to say hi. Veet sounds good. Never tried it though. I have tried the electrolysis though in several areas.

3:54 a.m.  
Blogger Heather said...

And with that I'm off to get rid of that box of little nair wax strips I had been thinking of using. Thanks for the reminder of how that'd actually go.

2:59 p.m.  
Blogger Firestarter5 said...

Next time, call me, I'll shave it for you :)

8:14 a.m.  
Blogger L-Girl said...

I tried it once too. I only made it through one strip though. Congrats on being a brave, and slightly bruised, woman!

6:51 a.m.  
Blogger Kyla said...

Oh wow! I can't believe I missed this post. SO. FREAKING. FUNNY.

And also? You poor, poor thing.

1:31 p.m.  
Blogger Brandy said...

A friend told me about your site. I just have to say OMG! I laughed so hard! I got my daughter a box of wax and her and her friend tried it out. The screaming that was coming from the living room was hilarious as all hell! She wont ever try that one again!

3:41 p.m.  
Blogger Laurie said...

I had a professional wax once, I'd rather give birth. I cannot imagine doing that to myself.

By the way, I nearly peed myself laughing at this post. You are hilarious!

10:31 p.m.  
Blogger Carrien said...

My last professional wax of that area left me with bruises and little bits if blood, and worse, breakage and little tiny zits over every follicle.
it was so very sexy, not.

I hate being a woman too.

2:51 a.m.  
Blogger Mocha said...

I'd have no problem showing you a razor accident I had as a young girl. It's not pretty, but you'd be tickled I'm sure.

6:05 p.m.  
Blogger Maureen said...

Oooohhhh... and I just about picked up a box of wax strips the other day. Thanks for the hilarious heads up; there is NO WAY I would put myself thru that.

I'll stick to Nair; not that I would use it anywhere down there, but for the rest of my monkey-haired body, it works just fine.

8:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Waxing Expert said...

Ladies, there is an article with great home waxing tips. I found it very interesting and now recommend it to everybody to read.

5:10 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a similar experience on Valentines Day. I thought I'd surprise me honey with a Brazilian "down there" and went to a professional waxer. She recommended that we just trim the forest not clear cut the first time out. She was right b/c it hurt like hell and I bruised too! So I spent the Valentines Night with a bag of frozen peas on my crotch and no Nookie!
I'm so glad my friend recommended this website to me. Although, she recommended I wait until I was properly healed up from the birth of my first kid. She said I'd certainly tear my stitches and I agree with her!

2:29 p.m.  
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