Wednesday, January 31, 2007

An Open Letter

To the People in charge of Redneck Mommy's Adoption,

As a member of Redneck Mommy's family, and let's face it, the glue that holds that woman together, I am taking it upon myself to see what I can do to speed up this adoption process.



I'm Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. I'm sure you've heard of me.




As you can see, my RM is slightly confused. In her desperation to adopt a child, she has transferred the love and affection she has for all of her children, new, used and invisible, and placed it on me. Do you have any idea the pressure this puts on a pooch such as myself? I'm getting a bald spot on the top of my head from all her kisses and let's not discuss how many times I've noticed large patches of my fur being removed with her incessant cuddling and stroking. She's wearing me out and that says a lot seeing as how I've got boundless energy.




Do you see what she did to me? Further proof that she has lost her mind. The next thing I know she's going to be putting her nephew's, The Worm, clothes on me and pushing me around in a buggy introducing me to all her friends as her newly adopted child. I know everybody is expecting a special child, but please, I'm too pretty to be confused for a HUMAN. Do you have any idea how hard it will be to get laid if the neighborhood bitches see me being paraded around in a bonnet?




So I urge you, please, speed up her adoption and give the woman a kid. Preferably one that doesn't walk or talk or make any sounds. That Worm of hers is more baby than I care for. But I love RM, (she knows all the right spots to scratch and she is susceptible to bribery) so I want her to get herself another little drooler. I'm not above begging here. My dignity depends on it. The other day I heard her muttering about finding a diaper to fit me! A fucking diaper!

Help dog out and save the sanity of all lives involved. I can vouch for her ability to love and parent. She keeps those rugrats of hers on a tight leash. (Hee,hee, while I can pretty much get away with murder...Not that I would, I'm a really gentle dog. These fangs are strictly for show.)

Sincerely,

Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog, Ever.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Liza said...

Oh, lordy. If you lived in the US I'd say someone ought to call the ASPCA on you. I don't know who's in charge of protecting animals in Canada, but I'm tempted to look for an anonymous tipline.

The fact that Nixon's back legs were actually in the leg-holes and he was STANDING in the exersaucer just slays me. The poor little bastard. I dare ya to roll him out in the buggy and, when people ask why there's a dog in the buggy, give them a steely glare and explain your very special new child's debilitating condition, that causes hair to grow all over his body, language delays, and doglike facial deformities, and ask them if they're mocking his disability. Go on, I double-DOG-dare you!

9:41 AM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

I swear, your dog looks like my neighbors' kid in that kid-container.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Dearest Nixon,

I am so sorry that your mistress is doing this to you. I'd offer to have you come live with me (I make peanut butter dog biscuits!) but you'd have to share the love with two pushy labradors. You've got it good, bud. Enjoy all that attention.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

I swear. When my cats put their ears back like Nixon's it means "you better cut the crap IMMEDIATELY or I'll do something rash, like bite, hiss, kick, throw up on you and everything else in the house, or drool all over you and your clothes."

Honestly, woman, what we do to our pets and children to show that we love them. You say that Nixon is only posing in that kiddie contraption to get some attention from the adoption people? I think you need a drink, quick!

10:22 AM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

LMAO. I have pictures of Oliver in his Exersaucer and he's got the same expression on his face...

10:50 AM  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

Bwahahha!! You crack me up.

I'm just thankful you weren't nursing him.

11:02 AM  
Blogger penelopeto said...

Do you think it's a bad idea if I try that with my cat?

12:51 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

OH MY WORD.

Poor poor Nixon. He's lookin' at you like "bitch, if you don't get me out of here..I'm gonna piss on your shoes!"

I know if I were Nixon...I'd piss on your shoes.

Now, who do we gotta call to get you a kid cause who knows what you might do next.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous L. said...

I'm new to your blog. Came upon it from another blog. I've been reading older posts when time allows (I'm a single Mom of toddler = no 'free' time, just stolen moments here and there).

I love your style and personality. And I love this post. It made me smile which is the perfect way to introduce myself... paying you a compliment!

You have a new faithful reader!

L.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Rose said...

It has been some time since I had been at your blog. I missed that sense of humor of yours.

7:00 PM  
Anonymous daisydee8 said...

Hey man. Diapers om dogs is hot sh*t!! Loves it

Crazy D

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Ellie said...

Hi, i haave just spent that last two days reading through your blogs and i have laughed and cried for you and i'm sure that if Nixon was bothered by it he would have escaped! any way thank-you!
please keep it up!
E x

4:38 AM  
Blogger J. said...

LMAO!!!!
Oh the face on poor Nixon! The face!

8:24 AM  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

I didnt know Nixon was a Boston Terrier. I'm not a big lover of dogs but I have a soft spot for them. My Gramdmother raised them when I was a kid. They are the best as dogs go.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous MizStarlet said...

I found you by reading KimmyK's blog. That post made me laugh,lol. I'm a dog lover, but I'm afraid to say, I'm slightly afraid of Terriers. But, Nixon looks adorable in those pictures. I just wanted to drop by and say, "Hi." Take care and have a great weekend! Will be back...

11:52 AM  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

Dear Nixon,
I would say you could come and find solace at my house, but I'm still vacuuming up your hair from your last visit. Not only that, my daughter still makes mention of how you used her room as a potty, more than once, when she sees your picture. I love you dear Nixon, but you are on your own this time.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Poor Nixon! Give that lady a baby! :)

7:40 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Aww, Nixon, don't look so scared. Diapers aren't that bad... OTOH, a baby looks much cuter in them than a doggy, no matter how "Super" that pooch is.

Thanks for the GREAT pix! Hubbers once got my dog posed in the outdoor Little Tykes push car. Poor pup.

8:35 PM  
Blogger Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Adore your work and your dog Mommy. I wonder if you were the first girl I kissed back in my Alberta days.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Dude. DUDE. How am I supposed to think about your WORDS when Nixon's all up in my face in his central command post?

Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

(fyi... nominated you for most inspiring blog over at the share the love awards... go get a button... http://sharetheloveblogawards.blogspot.com/)

10:24 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Did Nixon eat your face and fingers off for posting those pictures of him or what?

11:01 AM  
Blogger stefanierj said...

New caption for Nixon: And you thought ass-licking was the lowest a dog could get.

ROTFLMAO over here. Thanks.

9:19 AM  
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9:06 PM  

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