Monday, March 12, 2007

Key To Success

Growing up, I used to wish that my body would hurry up and hit puberty. All I wanted, more than anything in the world, was a pair of boobs. I just wanted to grow a set. Every night, I talked to God and tried to barter for a pair of nice round melons. I was one of the last kids in my junior high to hit puberty. You know that girl. The one where the boys would snicker and yell out that about me her being a carpenter's dream when I she walked by. Flat as a board, never been nailed. The girls weren't much better as they would adjust their bra straps and stare at my flat expanse with a knowing sneer.

Bitches. Eventually, I grew boobs. Sure they were little, hardly more than bee stings, but they were proudly protruding. I kept thinking they would get bigger. I was a fairly tall girl, and I'm from a family with some fairly impressive bazongas. My grandma's boobs were so big and heavy, her bra cut into her shoulders and left permanent scars. My mom's hooters are a fair size and my sister had a bigger rack than I did by the time she was 13. And I am three years older than she is. I have several cousins who's one boob is bigger than my head. To my line of reasoning, I figured one day I would sprout a Dolly-like rack, like the rest of the women-folk in my family. So I waited, rather impatiently, for my body to catch up with my imagination. It never occurred to me that I would be the willowy, thin athletic girl. Nope, surrounded by mammoth mammaries, I wanted to be part of the crowd. I wanted to be able to tell a boy 'hey, my eyes are up here.' How marvellous it would be to have a boy stare at my chest and wonder what was under there.

One day, I went to my girlfriend's house and we were talking boobs. Well, we were talking about boobs, but I'm sure we were boobs as well. After all, we were 15 and we thought we knew it all. Her mom, a very nice woman with an impressive endowment herself, overheard our conversation. She informed us that we couldn't consider ourselves as having cleavage until we could stand in front of the mirror and make the girls jiggle and bounce.

My girlfriend had no issue with this, as she was already sporting a C-cup. But me and my nipples took umbrage with that statement. For years I stood in front of a mirror, with my shirt off, and tried to shake them bigger. Anything to get the girls to bounce.

I don't recall when it was exactly that I grew my set. Suddenly, they were there. My husband (then boyfriend) liked to say they were perky. And that anything more than a handful was a waste. Problem is, my husband has freakishly large mitts. But the good man he is (read: Smart man who wanted to get laid on a regular basis) never made me feel like I was a walking plank.

While I don't remember when I finally hit puberty, I vividly remember the day I woke up with milk-engorged boobs. Holy Mother of GAWD! My husband and I marvelled at my new found lushness. It was a miracle. Suddenly, I was tall, thin and I had BOOBS! For those few months, it didn't matter that I sprayed milk like a geyser just by thinking about my baby, I finally had my girls. Ignorantly, I believed my titties would remain inflated. Imagine my shock and horror when they suddenly started to deflate. Not only did they get smaller, but they got softer and doughier. Freaking lovely.

Now I was saddled with itty-bitty titties that sagged and stretched out, like my own little beaver tails. Where's the fun in that? I have since lived with my sad little guns, rolled shoved into a padded bra, and I try to tell myself no one notices. Boys are attracted to my sparkling personality and quick wit. Girls only see a woman's hair and shoes, so I should be safe if I keep those bases covered. RIGHT???

Who cares that when I lay down in bed the girls disappear into my pits, leaving me looking like a prepubescent twelve year old boy? (Minus the hairy beaver of course.) The hubs still loves me. The upside to my after-child rack is they now jiggle. Boy, do they jiggle. And bounce. And flap around. Good thing they are little, because if they were any bigger, I may lose an eye while performing certain, ahem, activities. If you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Recently, I have noticed my bosom is a little larger. I'm not sure if I've gained some weight, or if I'm having an allergic reaction to my dust bunnies. Either way, the gap in my A-cups has gotten smaller. I've actually had to take some padding out! My hubs thinks it's because I sit on my ass and blog all day, while stuffing my face with bonbons.

I have another theory. I finally figured out how to grow the girls. After several months of exercising the chest region, my melons have finally responded.

I'm thinking of starting a marketing campaign. Taking out a patent on my idea. It's aimed at small chested women. A Safe And Easy Way to Grow Your Guns!* Just follow my instructions and soon your breasts will be one size larger.

The secret to my success, the trick to enhanced cleavage:


How much do you think I should charge for this fountain of knowledge?

*Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart or the queasy. Call your doctor if bleeding occurs.

Edit: I apologize to my daughter Fric, in advance. Years down the road, when you are a young woman and you read this post (or when you are in high school and learn to hack into the ole computer) I want you to know that I pierced my nipples in moment of insanity and grief. There was no actual benefit to their size (except when I hiked them up with string and tied the string around my neck.) Nor was the piercing of any sexual value. In fact, the jewellery is a pain in the well, tit. Literally. I also apologize if you happen to inherit my hooter dna instead of one of your large breasted aunts or grandmothers. But remember: Kleenex is a poor bra filler. The silicon chicken cutletty things work much better. Learn from your mama. I speak the truth...

37 Comments:

Anonymous Lauren said...

Iwwwww. God, that piercing crap must hurt. I late bloomed too. Ever get caught stuffing your bra? That's the worst form of embarrassment ever.

9:40 AM  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

Oh my *snort* I remember having those conversations with God, and I haven't heard the term "Flat as a board never been nailed" in years.

That picture is going to stay with me all day.... I knew there was a reason I read you in the mornin instead of at night. I now have all day to banish the nightmares that could cause.

Your hilarious!

10:02 AM  
Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

OMG! That picture just makes my nipples hurt!

I have a little phrase that I like to use: MomBoobs.
I now have MomBoobs.

Pre-baby: perky, perfect c-cup.
Preggo-Princess: d-cup.NICE!
Nursing-Mom: Double Ds baby! And, when they were engorged...watch out Pamela Anderson. These things were AWESOME (even if they were shooting milk across a room...)
Post-nursing: saggy, deflated, b-cups.

Oh, the glories of mom-boobs.
I consider them my battle scars.

10:07 AM  
Blogger rookiemom said...

i so feel your pain. the joy of milk bestowed boob, the agony of watching them disappear overnight. I felt like i woke up one day and someone stole my boobs.

i guess being in denial for 9 months didn't help.

"No, they won't go away. I shall be the first woman in the history of mankind to keep her pregnancy boobs."

10:09 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Dear god!

10:27 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

It could be much, much worse. You could be a 34 H and flat chested.

Good God!! Warn a person, before you scare the crap out of them. Jeez!!!

10:32 AM  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

With the right bra, Mrs. Joe's look better than they ever did. (Thank you VS). She was proud of her girls until our 2 kids came among. Now there has to be a 3 drink minimum before she lets me near them.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous TSM said...

*shudder*

As for the boobs, keep in mind that many of us have the opposite problem-boobs so heavy they cannot be held up by anything other than super powers.

Grass is always greener, I think.

11:22 AM  
Blogger deb said...

Sounds like I'm built the same way and I have always wanted bigger boobs, always, until my youngest developed huge ones, 32DD. And I look at her, 14 and sagging already and they look so odd on her skinny little body and I realize I'm okay with my little girls that will never reach my waistband, thank you very much.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Thumper said...

Holy crap, I saw that picture and my own nipples inverted. They might not come out for DAYS...

12:09 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Oh my hell that picture just caused me to grab at my chest which IS NOT COOL IN PUBLIC.

Memo to self: do not read T. on laptop while in university common areas.

12:18 PM  
Blogger dennis said...

oooooouch!!

12:51 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

God Damn!!!

You've got a hairy chest.

Kidding.

I cannot imagine the pain that must have come with nipple piercing. I cry when I get a paper cut. Pierce the girls? No freakin' way.

1:15 PM  
Blogger sillychick said...

You can lie dwon in the gurney next to me when I get my reduction. I'll have you up to a D in no time!

2:26 PM  
Blogger Butrfly4404 said...

HaHa! That had me rolling!!

My mother is a very large chested woman. Four births and they may not be as ..uh..Full? as they once were, but they are still THERE. She also hit puberty very early ...leaving her very small sister jealous. I remember my mom telling me about my aunt doing her "execises" (something about pushing the heels of your hands together) and chanting "We Must. We Must. We must increase our bust."

I sprouted early...in 5th grade I got a boyfriend because I was the only girl in class with boobs (weren't exactly boobs yet). I never got huge like my mom...but they grew. I was amazed with my post-birth engorgement, too. Just kinda stood there naked for awhile thinking "So THIS is what a boob job would look like....hmmm..."

And the "My eyes are up here" thing - it gets OLD. (Especially when it's like, your step-dad's dad!!)

2:48 PM  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

Why do you have so many keys?

3:35 PM  
Blogger Bon said...

see? that photo just helped me erase twenty years of minor, niggling insecurities about my own boobs...and was waaaay cheaper than therapy.

i come here for a reason. :)

however, i have not yet stopped nursing, so y'think you could post that again sometime in a month or two?

thankee.

4:14 PM  
Anonymous the new girl said...

AHAHAHAAAA!
You're going to get tons of hits from pervies looking for that picture.
Hilarious.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

JAYSUS. We have the same family. I have three sisters. My mom had a nice rack. ALL of my sisters have big round ludies (our family name for um...breasts) and there I am. FLAT. I have told my sisters over and over again that Mom said to SHARE.

6:42 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

youch. that picture made me jump....

7:42 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh. My. Good. God.

Woman, you slay me.

I don't even like it when my SHIRT touches my nipples! I don't even like the WORD nipples! Ewwwwwwww~

8:14 PM  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

AAAEEEIIII!! That picture scared the crap outta me.

My current milky, nursing H cups (yes, that's H as in humongous) and my back will be happy to tell you that the hugies are not all they're cracked up to be. I long for the days of my C cups. With my luck, I'll be one of the ones that keeps the size, just deflates, once I'm done with my nursing career, which has been thus far long and illustrious. We do refer to my rack as my porn boobs right now, though.

8:55 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Ouch.

Carrie

1:22 AM  
Blogger Jenni said...

I've finally come to (sort of) appreciate my small boobs. I'm surrounded by women who talk regularly of back pain and breast reductions--things I won't have to worry about. It was more than a little disheartening though when my lovely new nursing boobies deflated from nearly a C past my old B and down to an A. It was even worse when the female doctor I asked about it (Is this freakin' normal?!?) stared at me blankly and told me she'd never heard of such a thing.

The funniest, and most embarrassing, boob incident happened in 7th grade, though. I was *barely* in a training bra and the class biatch accused me in front of the entire class of stuffing my bra. Shit! You'd think I would have done a better job if I was going to stuff. I was *completely* flat. And I have *never* "stuffed" although I do believe in Miracle Bras.

8:10 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Okay, I am NOT a particularly squeamish sort of gal. Once upon a time, when I was a bit more bad-assed, I myself sported some piercings about the nose, belly and tongue areas.

However, I myself could have used a bit of...advanced warning...before that pic.

(And by the way, after the birth of baby #1, when my milk finally came in, I swear, I went to bed as plain old new mom Kelly and woke up as lusty porn star Tatum O'Tits.)

8:53 AM  
Blogger The Wilson's said...

All I can say is OUCH!!!!

8:59 AM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Ooh. I took my nipple piercing out a few years ago because I got an infection that caused shocks to travel up and down from the piercing every time the jewelry moved .5 mm...that photo brought the pain back.

I always figure that the teasing at least makes up for the fact that I won't have back problems related to carrying two 6 pound boulders on my front.

1:55 PM  
Blogger kgirl said...

NICE! i loves me some saggy, overworked man-boobies!

seriously? i hear you. at least on the first half of things. before getting knocked up, i looked like i had my chest on backwards. now, they are on a slow descent to flopsville, tho bee's insistence that she will nurse til she can take the bra off me herself is keeping them somewhat inflated.
but i know what's coming.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Sugar Kane said...

I guess you wouldn't have to worry about losing your keys...

2:02 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

YEEEE-ouch!! Wow.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Jacquie said...

In the words of my almost 2yr old. Done in a high pitched but quiet sound OWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Shocka Khan said...

Quit your bitchin' already. Go get a rack job. Doesn't the Canadian health care pay for anything these days.


Geeez...

King Shocka Khan

3:39 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I can see why you have a hard time finding your keys if you gotta go through that mess lookin for 'em.

My boobs use to be perky-I never liked 'em when I was a kid and now I dislike them even more. They're long. Long boobs are not flattering.

I blame this on motherhood and mothernature. Ugh. I don't wanna talk about 'em anymore. Somedays I hold 'em up and ask 'em why they can't be perky anymore...they never answer. They just sorta hang there like socks in a rock. It's quite depressing.

5:56 PM  
Anonymous jennie said...

I never thought I'd use the word "long" to describe my breasts or that I'd want to wear a bra to bed so no one would lay on them.

2:02 PM  
Anonymous L.A. Daddy said...

Man, I'm just trying to imagine all the google searches you're going to get from this post. Let the freakfest begin!

The good news for me. Since LA Mommy is pregnant again the boobs are gettin' bigger everyday! And they started out a good size!

4:59 PM  
Blogger lisalou said...

I have A cup too. Our teenie boopper test was: If you could put a pencil under your boob and it was held in place-you had it made...and probably you had a boyfriend. My friend Sarah, at 14, could have probably held a lap top under her ladies. While at the tender age of 31, I stil lhave no Under The Boob to speak of. However, thanks to my Greek heritage, I could still shine at puberty parties because what I lacked in tit... I made up with hair.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Gunfighter said...

You.

Are.

Funny.

6:41 AM  

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