Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Make A Wish....

It's my birthday today. Well sort of. It's my first ever blogiversary. I feel so old. So distinguished. So respected. Snort. Well, not really, but I am marvelling that I have been plugging away at this little blog for so long. As most of you know, I started this blog as a means of therapy. A way to get through the day, and shine some light through that terrible blanket of depression and grief which had wrapped it's self around me and threatened never to let go. I didn't give much thought to what blogging would mean to me, other than it's purpose of keeping me busy, distracting me from my pain.

I didn't realize the community my blog would foster, or the embrace I would receive from the blogosphere. Who knew how powerful a virtual hug could be, how far a few kind words from a stranger could carry you in day. I didn't honestly think I would be blogging for this long. I simply thought I would power out, run out of stories, stop caring about my invisible friends, fade slowly into the cyberspace of the internet until I was nothing more than an old stale URL that nobody visited.

Perhaps that is my fate still, but for now, my blog, my blogging community are very much an important part of my day. I enjoy getting up, pushing my kids out of the house and cuddling up to the computer. I enjoy reading the antics of the daddy bloggers, and marvelling at the mommy bloggers who actually parent. It inspires me to stop ignoring my own children and to actually feed them non-processed foods.

(Well, up to a point - after all, who am I kidding? My love for Kraft dinner runs deep.)

I like tiptoeing through my bloglines, and leaving bits of myself through the interweb. Discovering a new blog is like finding a pair of jeans that don't give me muffin top or camel toe. It makes me want to shout from the roof tops with joy. Or run naked through a meadow of wild flowers, but I live in the arctic. The roof top idea is much easier.

I thought perhaps once my blog was made public that I would loose my zest for sharing. I would clam up and start censoring my thoughts, in a desperate bid to avoid embarrassment. But then I started thinking about all the ways I embarrass myself in my real life. How I talk too loud, bray like a donkey when told a good joke, play with my nose ring constantly, and suffer from that dreaded foot-in-mouth disease, and blogging hasn't much changed that. I have just given my friends, family and neighbours another opportunity to be embarrassed for me. Really, I like to think I'm providing a public service for those I love. I'm giving them someone to pity, make fun of and poke at, so they can avoid the misery of their own lives.

Because I am thoughtful like that.

On a serious note, blogging here on RM has helped fill the vacancy left in my soul when my youngest died. I honestly didn't know how I would survive his death, find my way through that loss. I felt nothing but pain. I knew I was still blessed with two other beautiful children, but I couldn't feel anything except a soul-wrenching hurt. There was no room for love, or humour or happiness. And that was unacceptable to me. I couldn't live like that and I didn't want my children to have a mom who was an empty shell of the person she used to be.

So I started remembering my Bug, and his beauty, and it helped to share him with the world. I made a point of picking out one point of the day, something little and finding the humour in it. To remind myself there was more to life than this fog of grief that had wrapped itself around my heart.

At first it was hard. But with each post, each day, it gets a little easier. I can't say I'm back yet, because I never will be. But I can comfortably tell you that in this past year I have grown into a new person, one who can look at her daughter and see the beauty shining through. I can feel my love for her once more, not just simply remember that I love her. I can see past my son's increasingly long hair and see through his resemblance to a dandelion puff and find humour in his desire to grow his hair long like his little brother's. I can feel something other than pain. And it feels good.

Don't get me wrong, dear internet. There is still not a moment that goes by that I don't wish I had a g-tube to plug in, or a string of saliva to wipe away. I miss those hesitant high fives, and that sweet spot on the soft curve of his neck. I still ache for him, probably always will. But as my daughter Fric, summed it up: It's hard to wish him back when he's in a better place. So I don't. I just merely send him kisses on the wings of the angels and ask him not to forget us.

And then I sit at my computer and tell you about the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. I write about Bug's siblings and his daddy, Boo. And I read about your lives to remember that I too, have a life. One that doesn't revolve around one little boy and his cement marker.

So thank you for that. There really are no words adequate enough to express my gratitude, or my love for all of you. Thanks for propping me up this past year and helping a girl out while she was down. A special thanks to Liz for being my first commenter ever. I have stalked you regularly since, and will continue to do so. (And not just cuz you were nice to me, but because you freaking ROCK!!!)

I am going to spend today, my bloggy birthday, doing what I love. Ignoring the dust bunnies (and my still-present mouse), sit on my ever-increasingly large bottom and reach out to touch someone.

Because I like it when you all touch me. I'm dirty that way.


Blogger Kyla said...

This was beautiful. Happy blogiversary, T!

10:06 a.m.  
Blogger Weekends Off said...


Now I'm gonna go read the post :0)

10:15 a.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

Has it seriously only been a year? T, I think we knew each other in a past life then, because honestly, you have a place in my heart and it feels like you've been there forever. I just heart you SO MUCH.

Thanks for not quitting blogging. Like, ever. I can't always comment, but I read every. single. post. And I love them. MWAH.

10:44 a.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

Happy blogiversary. I'm so glad you came back after your absence, and I'm glad you find comfort in blogging. I really find your openness and honesty inspiring. Anyone who says Internet folks aren't "real" is full of baloney. *hug*

10:50 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

It's great, isn't it? Making new friends around here?
And you m'dear have a way with words. Always.
So ... thank YOU.

11:07 a.m.  
Anonymous Bennie said...

As always, the words were perfect. I hope you have a wonderful Blogaversery, T. And Ben sends a big drooly kiss your way.

12:21 p.m.  
Blogger Thumper said...

Happy Blogiversary!

Has it really only been a year? 'Cause truly, it feels like you've been one of my favorite bloggers forever.

Ya can't stop blogging now. You have a fan base ;)

12:43 p.m.  
Blogger sillychick said...

Happy B-versaday, or whatever. Just to let you know that I happened upon you one boring day and became instantly hooked to your humor.

You've helped me thru many a down day and I'm sure that you can say the same to some of your readers.

Keep going, chicky!

1:10 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

Your blogday was a good one for us all. Thank you for sharing your strength, your humor and your compassion with all of us.

I'm so glad I "found" you.


1:12 p.m.  
Blogger Eliza said...

This was a really awesome post, T. You are one of those few favorite finds that not only made me initially shout and frolic and all of that, but has continued to give me little girl-crush palpitations when I see "RM" on Bloglines. Thanks for writing, and for your sense of humor, and your support, and your rockin masthead that makes me smile every time I fire up your URL to come rub my scent glands all over your comments. You rock harder than a good pair of jeans or even a perfect sandwich. Congrats on turning one!

1:29 p.m.  
Blogger jmvanwinkle said...

Happy Blog Birthday! Do you know how many times I start to tear up when I read your posts?!?! The love for Bug and how you cope is truly wonderful. I love Fric's comment..."It's hard to wish him back from a better place". How true! Have a fantastic day.

1:53 p.m.  
Blogger jellyhead said...

Ah, T, happy 1 year blogging. The blogworld is indeed a funnier, sweeter, saucier place with you in it!


2:38 p.m.  
Blogger mamatulip said...

Happy Blogoversary!

Honestly T, I have really enjoyed getting to know you through your blog (and mine) and I love that we are friends off-blog. I love your blog, your sense of humour, your dirty mind and all of the beautiful things you say about your son. And your funny comics. And your butt-lickin' dog.

And my love for Kraft Dinner runs deep, too. Mmmmmm...powdered cheese and noodles...

3:19 p.m.  
Blogger Rose said...

I found your blog sometime last week or the week before. I check to see how you are doing every day. Your strength and your humor are a true source of inspiration. (You really should have won that award!)
Happy Blogiversary. I'm glad you found solace in this outlet.

ps. truly, in real life, I'm not nearly this maudlin...I have no idea what just possessed me...

4:58 p.m.  
Anonymous the new girl said...

Happy blogiversary!
I love to read your writing and your true, honest portrayal of emotion resonates with me.
Enjoy the bloggy birthday.
And all the touching.

5:24 p.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

No, thank YOU!

Here's to more milestones like this one.

I'll break out a bottle of wine and raise a glass to you (or, more accurately, in your general direction). Sadly, drinking alone is the burden bloggers must bear.

5:31 p.m.  
Blogger moosh in indy. said...

Don't forget all the pickle talk. Virtual birthday cake for all.

6:56 p.m.  
Blogger Junebugg said...

AWWWWWWWW- We love you too, Darlin'. You're one of the first blogs I check when I log on. I love your sense of humor and I can see bits of my own life in the stories of your family.

7:03 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Happy Blogiversary to you!

Happy Blogiversary to you!

You smell like a monkey and pick your butt like one too!

Isn't it funny how blogging just sorta soothes the soul? Ok, you're right. Mommy juice soothes the soul, my bad.

7:15 p.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

Here you think you blog for you and how many of us need the laugh, the tears, the compassion, understanding, friendship, and kind words that come from you!

Blogging really makes a person better, I am sure.

Happy Blogiversary to the person with the best flower toilet.

7:19 p.m.  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

That was beautiful, and you are too. I'm so thankful that I found you - you are inspiring. Thanks for sharing your gift and writing with us.

Not to mention the fabulous fromage.

7:56 p.m.  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

I came into blogging quite by accident.. a link of a link of a link on a really bored day and I kept reading these very fashionable sites about all kinds of in fashion things to think about. And I clicked a link somewhere that lead me to you and one other blogger... and I was hooked, on your realness, your honesty and your integrity throughout all you went through. Your willingness to share it.. because besides keeping your sanity (and yes I stalked you for a looong time) in your blogging, you opened yourself up to the world and that takes nuts. Even online that takes em. You gave something to us all, honesty and some sick humor, but hey, one twisted mind to another I suppose.

Happy Blogiversary.. and thank you.

7:57 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

happy blogiversary!!

(consider yourself touched)

11:06 p.m.  
Blogger Jean said...

You give so much - I'm glad you have received so much support and love.

11:22 p.m.  
Anonymous Jacquie said...

Your Fric's comment shows how great a mother you are too her and her brothers! Happy Blogging Anniversary, I've enjoyed reading you this last little while.

12:30 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Bloggiversary !!
thanks you for giving us all an insight into
E x

3:05 a.m.  
Anonymous Andrea said...

Happy Blogiversary!

Wow, how you did not win that Inspiration award is beyond me. I need a Kleenex after that. And yet you still made me laugh out loud with the touching comment. Like that line in Steel Magnolias, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

9:07 a.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

RM, finding your blog was one of the highlights of my life. I can't begin to tell you what a difference reading you has made.

I'm very happy that you still are blogging and you realize how many of us there are out in bloggyland who care a great deal about you. Each negative and each positive aspect of your life has touched me.

So, here's to your milestone. May you continue to heal, grow, and keep us in cheese. We will supply the crackers so we can eat that snack with delight.

Enough of this crap. Now, entertain us. We're waiting.

9:39 a.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

Happy B-Day. Maybe the bunnies can catch the mouse?

10:21 a.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

Happy Blogiversary T!

As always, your writing was beautiful and inspiring.
I love you lots!

11:18 a.m.  
Blogger Kelly said...

Touching...and saying Happy Blogiversary.

11:44 a.m.  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh yes, I'm such a trendsetter.

Thanks in return for always giving us such great fodder for comments. I always know when I come here I'll think, I'll laugh, and I'll be so engrossed that I won't even notice my daughter is sticking my usb cord in the electrical socket while I am.

Happy one year, T!

12:34 p.m.  
Blogger dennis said...

happy blogiversary!!

now I have to ask wife.imp for definitions--again.

I already knew cameltoe...

1:30 p.m.  
Blogger Butrfly4404 said...


3:02 p.m.  
Blogger Bobita~ said...

You have this incredible way of making me laugh myself to the point of incontinence...and then making me cry like a dirty-diapered baby!

Happy, Happy Blogoversary. Thank you for sharing stories of Bug, his siblings and his parents. RM, I have loved you from the very first time I read your blog. Especially for lines like this...

"Discovering a new blog is like finding a pair of jeans that don't give me muffin top or camel toe."

3:04 p.m.  
Blogger Bon said...

happy (belated) birthday, o dirty one.

you've done well by Bug, sharing him here with us. i'm a latecomer, but happy to have found ya...laughing and crying at once are things few can inspire.

you're doing a good job. :)

7:38 a.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Happy blog birthday.

Somehow I don't think you'll ever run out of good stories.

1:45 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

So my week was crazy and I'm a few days late...but happy blogiversary! You are absolutely one of my 'must read' blogs. And I love every comment you drop off on my site. And to hear how the whole thing has grown and met a need inside you...well damn it, you write good! :)

3:29 p.m.  
Anonymous daisydee said...

Happy blogiversary!!

I love reading you blog. I know sometimes I ignore it for a while. I always come back!

As I have said before I believe you are one the strongest people I know. Your blog inspires me!

6:39 a.m.  
Blogger Jill said...

Hello, I found your blog a few weeks ago on blogosphere, when I had gone to comment on a blog that I liked. I love your depth and breadth and life. And reading today I had to stop because of tears..........I havent read back far enough to know much about you, but, man! Figureing out who we are, and loving the discovery can be hard work.Congratulations, and thanks for including us.

7:47 a.m.  

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