Monday, March 05, 2007

Shit Happens

I suppose I should warn you, this post is not pretty. It's dirty, messy and has a distinct odour. I'm talking about shit. Actual shit. Poop, feces, crap, scat. What ever you call it, I'm talking about it. (Think of the Google pervs coming my way, today. Careful who you bump into around here. Make sure you wash your hands when you leave...) Why am I talking about poop? Think of me as your Northern, white, skinny, poorer version of Oprah. If she can talk shit, then so can I.

Except I'm not here to discuss with you the size, shape and colour of my crap. Let's just say I'm very pleased with my poop. Yep, I'm proud of my shit.

No, today's post is about my past with shit. (Not my past shit, just my history with it.) We have all had our own experiences with the brown smelly turds that fertilize this world. I think it's time we stop ignoring this fecal matter and shine some light on it.

Obviously, as a young child, I had more than one close encounter with the brown kind. I am sure I crapped up, down and all around my folks. After all, if my children are any example, the apples never fall far from the tree right? But I'm not talking about diaper horrors, or potty training poops.

I'm remembering going to the farm and visiting my very favorite uncle. And for some reason running around bare foot like the little redneck I was bound to become. The memory of stepping into my very first (and last) pile of steaming cow shit, is still a memory I can feel right now. I was horrified when I felt the oozing warm stuff squishing between my toes and I realized just exactly what I had stepped into.

My uncle, however, laughed so hard, I'm sure he almost peed himself. And considering he was almost 70, that was a possibility in itself. I remember pulling my foot out of that patty, and feeling the suction power of the poop gripping my foot, unwilling to let go. And I remember the cold, wet spray of the water from the well as my uncle pumped and laughed and told me to wear shoes next time as he washed my foot clean of cow dung.

And the city kid got her first glimpse into farm life.

Fast forward through the years, and I was a young mother with her first babe. I remember changing those first few diapers, and wondering what all the fuss was about. Baby poop was nothing! Oh, to be young and stupid again. Until, one day at a family function, in the middle of nowhere, my daughter mocked my mommy attitude and let loose. Down to her toes and up into her hair. I ran out of wet wipes. Suddenly, the power of an infant's bowels was to be respected. Because you never knew when they were gonna loose their shit.

But then she grew and so did her brother. And diaper duty was fast fading into a blurred memory, to be replaced with fresher memories of toddler hood. Memories of sweet, innocent children learning to navigate their way through the wondrous new world that lay before them.

I loved being a mom back then. I was young, and swept away by the passion inspired by two small children exploring the world with such curiosity and enthusiasm. Every day they learned something new and through them, so did I. We grew up together. I couldn't imagine a better gig than being a mom. Nothing they did baffled or stumped me. I got them, these children of mine.

At least until the moment I walked into their bedroom only to catch my three year old daughter squatting over her brother's pillow. Dumping a load, so to speak. Horrified, I asked her what she was doing. After all, she had a fondness with the toilet, they had a nice partnership going. What the hell? My daughter's response? "Frac is a poo-head." So she thought to make it literal. I was unequipped for such logic. I was not even 25 years old and suddenly I was exhausted. Parenting and poop had sucked the life out of me. I didn't even know what an appropriate parental reaction to this crap-tacular action should be. And thus began the long, winding road of my children flummoxing me at every given twist of the road.

Thankfully, Fric has since learned to refrain from emptying her bowels where her brother lay his head. I keep a spare pillow in the linen closet ever since, in case anyone should regress. After that accident, I was ready for what ever shit flew my way. After all, as a mom, I had to wipe asses, snotty noses, occasional vomit and whatever other bodily fluid they tossed at me on a regular basis.

Poop is part of life. Yet we often don't speak of it. We teach our daughters the proper way to wipe (downwards, away from the vagina) and show our children how to wash their hands after taking a dump. We peer into the pot before flushing, to see what came out, if it was an Oprah poop or if we need to increase our bran intake.

We shit, and we get shit upon. Literally and figuratively.

So why is it, when you wake up in the morning and you step into a cold brown turd the dog left for you as a treat beside your bed, is it such a surprise?

That's right, dear Internet. I. Stepped. In. Dog. Shit. First. Thing. This. Morning.

The only thing that should be somewhat surprising about this is the fact that Nixon still lives. And that I haven't revoked his title of the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. Although, I am seriously reconsidering it.

I suppose the lesson here is: Shit happens.

And maybe, look before you leap. Invest in slippers. Don't let the dog eat peanuts.

Either way, I'm still scraping crap off my foot and wondering what the hell became of my life. And why is it I seem to attract so much of this shit.

Whether I step in it, make it, or have it land on me.

I think I hear flies buzzing....



Anonymous Ellie said...

i think you are going to have to warn us before letting us read stuff that wil make us laugh like utter muppets at work!! i had a shocked client on the line and just belly laughed right in her ear!! it was the peanuts that got me!!

9:30 a.m.  
Blogger metro mama said...

Oh, crap!

9:57 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wouldnt that be 'upwards' not 'downwards'....?

10:20 a.m.  
Blogger Whirlwind said...

Yuck. Been there, done that. Even ended up making daughter late for school because I had to find a new pair of shoes.

11:37 a.m.  
Blogger Jean said...

I'm laughing so hard I can't breath!

11:50 a.m.  
Blogger Wendy said...

Man, shit really does mess up your life. You posted this twice.

I remember telling my husband that our lives have become centered around shit, since having kids. It is sad and I hope it ends one day.

Since, I never claimed my dog to be the greatest. I would have had no problem killing him and hanging his dead body for the cat to take lesson, too. No one shits on my floor and walks away alive.

Hope the day looks better once the shit has cleared.

12:06 p.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

What a shitty start to your day.

Sorry, couldn't resist that. ;)

12:15 p.m.  
Blogger Mo said...

You crack my shit right up. :0

1:24 p.m.  
Blogger kfk said...

Well, that probably means you got a shower first thing in the morning too, right?

1:43 p.m.  
Blogger sillychick said...

Holy crapoly, you did it again! Made me laugh, that is.

Until I got to the part about Nixon, I thought I had inspired your post. lol

2:20 p.m.  
Blogger BlogWhore said...

we're all about the poop in our house.


thanks for all your kinds words.

3:16 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

That's craptastic.

3:22 p.m.  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

I have no witty shit comments at hand, but I am laughing over here... ewwwiieeeee... be glad it was The Worlds Littlest Dog.. I couldn't imagine waking up and stepping in my dogs poo... it'd be like the cows, only on new carpeting, and he'd be my new coat.

3:29 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

My first comment around here in days and look... Everything's gone to shit.


He'd make an excellent area rug. Possibly a nice hat? If he were mine I'd have to resist the urge not to make him a projectile object with the end of my boot.

3:58 p.m.  
Blogger carrie said...

Really looking forward to the day when I don't check to make sure it was an "Oprah poo"!


4:05 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Nice. I bet your toes looked real pretty all painted brown.

Wouldn't catch Dan or Maggie doin' that. Jus' sayin..y'know?

5:42 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Go here. You'll appreciate the visual and be thankful.

5:46 p.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

Ugh. That's a smell that seems to hang around, so I hope you have some industrial strength cleaning products on hand. So gross!! (And yet I'm laughing because, well, it didn't happen to me.) ;^)

6:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shit happens is too true. Impressed you didn't kill the dog. I'm off to clean up shit myself.

10:07 p.m.  
Blogger Lotta said...

If anyone had told me how much shit and piss I would be soaked in from the minute I signed up as a mom, I might have paused. Or bought a raincoat.

10:41 p.m.  
Anonymous Kate said...

Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor.
I don't mean to laugh at your extremely sticky start to the day but I just couldn't help myself.
Did you remember to rub his nose in it (the floor not your foot!)?

10:58 p.m.  
Anonymous karyn with a k said...

Actually Kate both would have worked just fine!! And you are right Red Neck Mummy that everyboby has great shit stories but no one tells it quite like you do!!

11:22 p.m.  
Blogger Gette said...

I'm trying to housetrain two senior dogs who spent their lives in a barnyard. I feel.

9:16 a.m.  
Blogger Rose said...

My mother once woke up and headed down to the kitchen for her first cup of tea. On her way there she leaned over to pick up a pair of pantyhose lying on the floor...
Except it wasn't pantyhose, it was fresh dog poop. She didn't think that was such a fun way to wake up...

9:25 a.m.  
Blogger Kelly said...

Thanks for the laughs. Oh, I know it's not funny at the time, but as someone who appreciate some good poop/fart stories and always, always, the potty humor, I say a hearty 'well done!'

(And it's only been about a year since I stepped in my dear old Mandy's poop, rest her doggy soul. She had taken a dump on my dark carpet, and I have a tendency to just stomp about without looking around at all, and squish, oh, the feel of it going in between my toes.)

You have my deepest pooh-stepping sympathies!

9:27 a.m.  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

I think you got your "mojo" back. and to think, all it took was a Monday morning toe jam.

Being an artist and whatnot I occasionally wanna take PolorROIDS of the neat little animal shapes I sometimes make. My wife frowns upon this idea.

9:50 a.m.  
Blogger wmy said...

Well, that sucks!! And you just know you are gonna spend the rest of the day checking your feet and everything else...cause you just swear you can still smell it SOMEWHERE!!! ahhhhh haaaa haaaaaaaa

11:23 a.m.  
Anonymous daisydee said...

TOO FAR!!!!!!

I can honestly say I have never stepped in sh*t of any kind in my bare feet. That's grotty!!! I even grew up with cows in the yard...hehe

1:23 p.m.  
Blogger kgirl said...

shit that was funny!

i remember wondering what the big deal about baby poop was - until bee started eating foods other than breastmilk. holy hannah, that was a rude awakening.

1:43 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...


I laughed so hard, I pooped my pants.

Now I need to go find a pillow.

4:24 p.m.  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

Shit, Puke, Pee.....from either kids, cats or dog.

It takes up far too much of my day.
We spend far too much time either praising someone or something for doing it in the right place or yelling at someone for doing it in the wrong place and then figuring out how to clean it all up.

Summing up parenthood...shit, puke, pee.

5:13 p.m.  
Blogger Maria said...

I was over at Creative Dad's and thought I would check out your blog. Shit, it's good....

6:28 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

I so totally love the idea of dumping right on someone's pillow! That is just too funny!!!

6:34 p.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

Your daughter crapped on her brothers pillow? HAHAHAHA!! That is SO funny. Why is that SO funny??

Going now to change my pants...

9:00 p.m.  
Blogger Boo said...

Oh how true these things are. I was a personal witness to most of these crappy occations and more. Just say I grew up on the farm and had TOO MANY unforgettalbe momments with what ever come out from down there. But. None of these barnyard experiences ever readied me for my daughter shitting on her brother's pillow. I can't wait for their wedding days. Oh the humiliation!

7:19 a.m.  
Blogger DannieS72 said...

OMG! that was some funny shit! oops, did I go there?

8:35 a.m.  
Blogger Weekends Off said...

Why is it that dogs can be taught to do so many great and helpful things but so far none have been trained to clean up their own poop?

Ugh. I want a dog so bad but this is the one thing holding me back.


8:52 a.m.  

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