Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Countdown to Madness Begins...

The time is upon me to earnestly begin planning my sister's baby shower. How do I know this? Because my darling mother told me in no uncertain terms. I believe her exact words were "Don't you think it is time you got off your ass and did something about your sister's shower? It is not going to plan itself, you know."

With those warm words, she sat me down and gave me explicit directions, heaped with a side of guilt, about what she expects for her baby girl's shower. (Before you roll your eyes, just know that I love my mom. At least that is what I keep telling myself.) She wants food; nothing fancy but not as classless as beer and pizza. (Apparently, mommy dearest may know me too well.) She wants a nice location, big enough for 25 people, and it needs to be decorated appropriately. I suggested blowing up condoms and using them as balloons but apparently this falls under "classless." (In my defense, it's not like I have claimed to be the epitome of sophisitication.) And most of all, she wants to ensure my sis has a good time. I will do my damndest with that one. With all the booze I will be swilling, I am sure to be the life of the party!

And with those words of encouragement, I started planning the party from hell shower. The first obstacle - where to host such a party. My sis lives in a rather small apartment, fit for herself, her baby and her cat. Any one else has to stand out in the hall and yell through her door to talk to her. Obviously, not an ideal choice. There is my place, but city dwellers tend not to want to drive an hour out to the middle of nowhere to eat old egg salad sandwiches and slimy fruit. (And yes, dear internet, before you ask, that is what I plan on serving. Nobody can say eggs and fruit aren't classy.)

So that leaves my brother's house. Complete with girlfriend who hates me and dogs who try to hump my leg every chance they get. (Which is not very often if the girlfriend has her way.) And since none of her friends (or my mother) have offered up their homes, the dog humpers house wins. (Say that three times fast, I dare you!)

Now on to the guest list. Which means I will have to crawl out of my hole and tear myself away from the computer screen to call these girlies. Actually talk. On a phone. Shudder. Women, who no doubt will expect party favors, games and cucumber sandwiches. Served on good china. I'm developing a twitch just thinking about it.

Most of these people don't even know I exist. By tacit agreement, my sis and I try not to advertise our familial ties. After years of having our childhood friends run home crying because my brother pantsed them or my dad walked around in nothing but his dirty tighty whitey's, we tend not admit to having any family. At all. We were dropped off by the stork and raised by elves. Which we have no memory of. This is a system that works well for us, so why rock the boat?

Oh dear God, I fear there isn't strong enough liquor to make this pain go away. I'll be posting this blog from a prison cell. Where I will be serving time for choking my mother with condom balloons after poisoning a gaggle of girls with rotten egg salad sandwiches. The Redneck mommy driven to homicidal madness by silly shower games.

Somebody shoot me now.

15 Comments:

Blogger My float said...

Lord, a baby shower, oh the pain. I feel so bad for you that I'm laughing. A lot! Just thankful it's not me, really!

I have to say (somewhat revealingly) that the condoms as balloons idea made me laugh aloud.
Not stylish? Heck, it's YOUR party! If nothing else, it will teach them not to ask you to orgaise such a dumbass party next time.

Oh, and the beer and pizza idea? Consider this: if the baby's a boy, it will LOVE beer and pizza. How thoughtful of you, Aunty Redneck Mommy! Or is that Redneck Aunty? Ah, well...all will be revealed in due course!

4:18 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

If I was invited to two baby showers, and one was the English tea party, with white gloves and lilies....and the other was pizza, beer, and condem balloons I'd SO go for the beer and pizza!(Of course...I am without class, so that's not saying much)

I see horny dogs humping guests until they were so hungry that they ate all the egg salad, while the girlfriend tells everyone how the fucked up party is ALL your fault....

(I'm not comforting you, huh?...Well...I'll still love ya after the party....even if you start pelting fruit at people)

4:57 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I think you got it all figured out. Tell your momma to zip it cause you're so ahead of the game you're planning her next bday party at the stripper club.

And with that then swish your hand in the air as if you can't slow down you have too much to do.

7:40 PM  
Anonymous melissa said...

Good idea on the ballons. She can use the leftovers to prevent future baby showers.:D

8:08 PM  
Blogger Canadian Dude said...

Hey.... why not a virtual shower on your blog... you could post pictures of egg salad samwitches and no one would have to leave home. Oh.. the gifts can be mailed directly to the mommy's home.

9:23 PM  
Blogger It's okay, Sweetie said...

I love Canadian dude's idea! And you could post virtual pictures of gifts you'd "Like" to get for sis.

Showers. What a racket. I tried to look up the origin of Baby Showers for you and could only come up with this link:

http://www.birthdayexpress.com/bexpress/planning/BabyShowers.asp

Next I tried to look up "Cheap Showers" - nothing. And then "Inexpensive Showers" - again, nothing. And finally, "Easy Showers".

Redneck Mommy, looks like you're gonna have to hold up a bank. Throw a condom over your skull cap, get a fake gun and good luck!

9:52 PM  
Blogger Fidget said...

Baby bottle chugging contest - fill with apple martini (that's classy right?) then the contests chug to see who wins. In under 5 minutes everyone is trashed and the party improves by 100%

For uproarious classless party game to play once everyone is trashed melt candy bars in the microwave till just a bit mushy them appropriatly place them inside disposable diapers, leave the harden. During teh party pass said "poopy" diapers around and everyone must examine them and decide what candy bar it is. Winner gets the most right.. well winner is you taking pictures of everyone sniffing/ exploring what looks likes to be poo diapers BWHAHAHAHAHA

10:20 PM  
Anonymous jess said...

Yuck. I hate baby showers. I feel for you. Mini weiners?

11:25 PM  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL! You always give me a laugh..Your take on things is always wonderfully funny and honest...(No jail, please...that would really put a crimp in your sense of humor! lol)

I'm sure this shower will be wonderful, eggs sandwiches and all! I like egg salad sandwiches very much. Yum! What's the date & time?

3:05 AM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

So I guess throwing it at a male strip joint is out of the question, eh?

Good luck with that. I hate planning stuff like that because, well, it always ends up along the lines of pizza, beer, cocktail weenies and blown up condoms.

6:34 AM  
Blogger ~*~ D ~*~ said...

OMG a baby shower. Just run away now and spare yourself further agony.
Seriously.
Baby showers are the worst! HOw many times can you "ooh" & "aah" over booties & bibs?

7:42 AM  
Blogger Gette said...

Isn't there some sort of casual restaurant or community center where you can book a room cheap and avoid the humping dogs? Living in a different section of the sticks, rental rooms are actually cheap or free depending on where you go. How about the local equivelant of the VFW? Free hereabouts. Sorry, humpy dogs just gross me out.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

You have quite an imagination and a slant on things that is hilarious and keeps me rolling on the floor with laughter. I really can't wait to HEAR your take on how the shower went, after it's over.

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Scarin'Karin said...

Love the ideas! A friend of mine is flying from Michigan and since everyone is camping at my place for Memorial Day anyways...we are having a Redneck, BYOB babyshower out in the barn with a stripper pole on the work bench and haybales up in the loft (no, no one has used it YET and the mommy-to-be doesn't drink) Christmas lights and a Hamm's beer sign adorn the rafters but unfortuantly the dog doesn't hump anything. It would really add to the ambiance ;)

10:41 PM  
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11:46 AM  

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