Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Marital Dip

My wedding anniversary is rapidly approaching. The concept of having an annual date to celebrate your union with the person who loves you more than anyone else in the world, is a lovely one indeed. In theory, this should be a date where romance is implied. A date for candles, flowers and hopefully, some skin on skin contact. A date for two people to gaze into each other's eyes and wax poetic about how lucky they were to have found one another.

Truthfully, this is a date that has all too often been overlooked in our home, what with the pitter-patter of small feet and the clamour of reality dimming the dewy romance of the day. Sure, we have observed the day. We have bought each other our obligatory Hallmark products, cracked open some wine (or beer in our younger days), and occasionally, we even went out for dinner. Together.

This year's date marks nine years of marital bliss. The bliss that comes with watching your mate put on an extra twenty pounds. Bliss that comes with witnessing your partner pick, wipe, floss, and scratch every orifice they have. Bliss from waking up and rolling over, only to be greeted by the most ferocious dog breath on the planet. And there is no dog in your bed.

But perhaps the most romantic bliss of all, is the fact that for nine years, Boo and I have shared a mattress. Twined our limbs together as we drifted off to slumber. For nine years, I have been lost to the great sag in the middle of the bed, that crevice I refer to as our Marital Dip. Three different matresses, and I am still fighting my way out of that crater on a nightly basis.

When I commented to Boo about this hollow in our bedroom, he was his romantic, thoughtful self. Seriously, dear internet, I get chills when I think of my loving husband's empathetic response.

Me: "You know, for nine years, every night, I am stuck in the pit of hell, because our mattress sags so bad. Perhaps we need a new one, maybe one of those memory foam ones." (See how rational I am?)

Hubs: "Nah, I don't think that will make any difference for you."

Me: "You don't think so? We have to do something. This sag is killing my back."

Hubs: "There's nothing you can do. You see, the indent would happen on any mattress."

Me: "Why, what do you mean?" (Oy, even I cringe at how I set myself up.)

Hubs: "Every mattress would still get that crater from your lard ass."

Needless to say, the hubs didn't get any last night, and he is sporting a few new bruises. This, my friends, is the reality of my marriage for nine years. This is the romance that I will get to celebrate when my anniversary rolls around next week.

I wonder if Hallmark makes cards to celebrate the union of the lardass to the dumbass?


Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

There's an O. Henry story in here, somewhere, isn't there? The Asses of the Magi?

You know that you have left the romance of your youth far, far behing when the object that best expresses your love is a mattress (and there is no sexual reference involved).

Been there.

(Happy Anniversary!)

9:04 a.m.  
Anonymous J. said...

He likes to live dangerously, doesn't he?

9:30 a.m.  
Blogger Fidget said...

wow, you should ask him if there is a dip on the couch....

it sounds liek its time for a new mattress. The allergic told me your mattress can gain up to 15 lbs a year in dust mites and little pieces of your flesh (gag)

9:50 a.m.  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Oooh. Time for revenge. Wait for your moment. It will come. ;)

10:46 a.m.  
Blogger It's okay, Sweetie said...

Oh! Oh! I have a few ideas for you:

1. Put some dip or salsa in the wedge and eat chips out of it. Instant gratification.

2. Roll up some bed sheets in the outline of your likeness, and stick 'em in the wedge. A nice omage to the wall of China, if you will.

3. For your anniversary, treat yourself to a new mattress. Without permission. Then get some 'o them Egyptian cotton sheets. You know, the ones with the 13 million thread count. (I wouldn't know I buy my sandpaper sheets at Target.)

Now, be a good girl and go read my blog. ;)

12:26 p.m.  
Anonymous motherhooduncensored said...

Dude. I'm so over the damn ass crater. Like for real... At least something is big in the bed LOL.

1:01 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Only a few bruises? Very restrained of you.

Lucinda is right, your revenge will come. Perhaps it's time to bring out those little Speedos you bought some time ago?

3:55 p.m.  
Blogger Thumper said...


Just so's you know, your crater will be really hard to get out of in a memory foam mattress. It springs back after you get up, but you're really IN it when you're in bed...

I have a love-hate relationship with mine...

4:39 p.m.  
Blogger It's okay, Sweetie said...

Redneck Mommy - thanks for humoring me and reading my blog. I wanna Perfect Post button! Pick me! Pick me!!!!!!

6:13 p.m.  
Blogger L-Girl said...

No he did not!! We just bought a memory foam mattress about 2 months ago. I love it, I mean LOVE it, but my man isn't so keen on it yet. We bought it because of the sagging issues you were describing, and it cured my ache, but I think his needs more than a mattress. Anyhow, I'm all in favor of memory foam! And no dust mites!

7:56 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was a good reminder for me... 33 years of bliss will be celebrated this Friday. I wonder when I'll be eleigible for parole?

7:56 p.m.  
Blogger ninepounddictator said...

Hee hee. I love reading your conversations. Happy anniversary!

I think a new mattress can really change your life --- tell him it will even change your sex life and he might bite...

Get a new mattress - it is very important to get a good nights sleep!

Or you can buy a present for yourself. You know, you are allowed to do that to celebrate nine years - didn't you know?

9:15 a.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

LOL @ motherhooduncensored. ;^) You oughta propose buying the most expensive bed on the market, then let him talk you down to a snazzy, yet not so expensive, mattress. You get a new bed and he gets to "save money." ;^)

12:43 p.m.  
Blogger Gina said...

Fabulous post! Happy Anniversary... oh the pit... we've all been there (daily)

1:18 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The dip is much better in the middle than a speed bump.

Nine is German for no. Tell Dumbass that.

William's Brother

6:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Grins said...

Too funny. My marital matress did this same thing. I finally went out and got a new and better mattress that solved it. I later when out and got a golden retriever for a bedmate and left the husband. Not that I suggest you do that last part of course. I'm blogrolling you, your site is too fun to only view via Michele's site.

11:50 a.m.  

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