Monday, January 15, 2007

The Dust Bunnies Are Rallying For War

Have you ever had a dream so wonderful that when you wake up you feel bereft and close to tears, upset because you were forced from your fantasy and back into reality? I had one of those dreams Saturday night. I wasn't dreaming of my beautiful boy (although when I do, I wake up with the same feelings), I didn't dream of winning the lottery and then having to hand over the winnings to my mother and mother-in-law to spend while they roll around naked in my dollar bills. (Yes, I've had that dream and it was entirely unpleasant.) I wasn't dreaming of Clive Owen, George Clooney and my husband fighting over me. (It could happen!!)

No, this particular dream was filled with feather dusters, cleaning chemicals and obedient children. And then I woke. To my reality. A reality filled with dust bunnies, poorly folded laundry and yellow spots sprinkled like candy on icecream around the porcelain throne. Not to mention water marks on the mirrors, greasy dishes and lovely hand prints at the four foot mark on most of my walls.

I really love being a mother. What I wish I had known before giving birth was how the word 'mom' was an acroynm for 'maid'.

Yesterday I decided to take back my freedom. It was war and I am tired of losing every damn battle. (Yes, I am delusional, but shhh, don't tell my adoption case worker.) I decided that at ages ten and nine, my darlings Fric and Frac, realized that the sweet deal they had going was coming to an end. No more gourmet cooked meals (I use Kraft dinner with the white cheddar...), no more candy just for being cute (that might still happen, as I have a propensity for filching it from them) and most importantly, no more maid service.

It was time for my rugrats to learn how to clean.

Quit laughing at me. I told you I was delusional.

So I spent the better part of my day yesterday teaching my daughter and my son how to dust, clean toilets, fold towels and mix the proper ratio of Mr. Clean to water. I even taught them how to use the washing machine.

Don't get me wrong. It's not as though my children are completely useless. They do have chores. They half-ass their way through the dishes on a nightly basis, they clean their rooms the same way I clean my house (shove things in the closet and under the bed and pray to God my mother doesn't notice), they stack wood and take out the garbage. They whine and snivel their way through shoveling half the walk and some of the deck and they fold socks into creatively mismatched pairs.

But it is time for more. Because I am tired. I am lazy. And I am the MOMMY. What I say goes.

So I slapped on my educational mother cap, and began the teaching process. This meant a lot of tongue biting (I'm still tasting blood) and a lot of repetition. I grew more grey hairs and I swear I have two more lines on my face. But when we finished (Thank God for small freaking miracles) the kids had a sense of satisfaction and pride.

I managed to keep from killing them, making them feel bad and I even managed to make it fun. That would be because of the music I blared through out the day to muffle the sounds of my cursing and moaning. Thanks Creed and Pink. You cover a multitude of sins when blaring full blast on the stereo.

When the kids went to bed, I looked around. I tried not to see the grime smeared all around, the streaky mirrors, and the dust bunnies that escaped with their lives. I tried to ignore the fact that my wash machine now rattles in an odd way it never did before. And as I re-washed (sigh) my wine glass, I knew that I had done okay.

Because I still had my sanity, I hadn't hurt anyones feelings and there is always next weekend to do this all over again.

After all, practice makes perfect right?

After a few glasses of my mommy juice things looked better. Cleaner. I went to bed feeling good. Because while I may not have the cleanest house or the motivation to get off my ass to do it myself, I will always have Clive.

What more could I ask for?

26 Comments:

Blogger sillychick said...

Thank god you've now given me permission to put my 8 year old to work!
Also, the Princess has quite the love for Clorox wipes...perhaps her, too?

9:11 a.m.  
Blogger Em said...

It never ends! When they are 19, 16, and 13, you'll still be trying NOT to see the things they didn't do. LOL But that's okay...they things they get done are appreciated.

10:24 a.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

Good for you. We're lucky enough that The Champ still thinks some chores are fun. Unfortunately, unwinding shoelaces from the vacuum defeats the purpose of "helping".

10:33 a.m.  
Blogger toyfoto said...

This is the saddest comment I will ever make: I need to learn how to clean. My house just looks like smeared grime when I do it. *sigh.

11:41 a.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

I know it probably won't happen and that I don't deserve it, but I keep hoping that my daughter will rebel against me by becoming a total neatfreak. Like, kids are supposed to be all contrarian, right? They're supposed to want to become the opposite of their parents. So if I'm a certified slob, then it stands to reason that my daughter will feel it necessary to clean the house on a daily basis just to get back at me...doncha think?

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it ;) Any of your anecdotes to the contrary will be ignored.

2:00 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

It does get better-eventually, but it's good that you're teaching them now. I taught my kids to do their own laundry a few years ago after having a complete and total meltdown in the basement standing knee deep in color clothes. Of course I have to pay them to do their chores and y'know that's fine with me as long as I'm not doing it all by myself.

I always loved when I babysat and gave the kids a bottle of window cleaner and a roll of paper towels. I was amazed at what they'd spray and wipe down. I didn't care-it was "clean" in their eyes. A sense of pride-you can't put a price tag on that.

Y'know, I should say thank you. Reading this post and the comments and writing out my own reminded me it's ok they don't get it right and the important thing is they try.

2:25 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

that's why we had a kid - so she can clean!

2:44 p.m.  
Blogger Daisydee said...

WOW!! Things change over the years. By the time I was nine I was as good as, if not better than a maid. No dust left behind and no smears. My mom started me REALLY early and cracked a whip to make sure it was done right.

Maybe that was slavery?? LOL.

One thing I was never allowed to do was go near the washer. That was mom's territory with no visiters allowed. I didn't learn how to do laundry until I was 20. Lil bit pathetic!

2:46 p.m.  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

I swear I am going to teach my son to be the BEST BEST maid EVER, and then he will be married to the most kick-ass woman alive because who wouldn't want a husband that wants, needs and knows how to clean? Yah right ... he's going to marry some filthy rich woman and they'll support me for the rest of my life. :-)

3:34 p.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Julia, thankfully, loves to help me clean. She walks around with a dustrag and "dusts" things. It's cute, but it doesn't happen often.

But this is so, so true: I really love being a mother. What I wish I had known before giving birth was how the word 'mom' was an acroynm for 'maid'.

And that comic is freakin' HILARIOUS.

4:08 p.m.  
Anonymous Izzy said...

You're living my fantasy. I can't WAIT for the day my kids are old enough to make a worthwhile contribution around here in terms of cleaning, chores etc.

CANNOT. WAIT.

You lucky woman, you!

5:11 p.m.  
Blogger moosh in indy. said...

Clive was at my house last night, sorry I've been hoarding him.

6:40 p.m.  
Blogger jellyhead said...

Good on you, T - you taught your kids some cleaning without 'losing it' - you are my hero!

And by the way, Clive would cheer me up any day, too!

7:47 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Good for you, lady. Now tell me, do you think that 21 months is too young for house cleaning? Because I'm thinking there's no time like the present to get started.

And then I'm going to slap a feather duster on my dog's tail and I'll just sit back and eat bon-bons. :)

9:25 p.m.  
Blogger Shocka Khan said...

Hi Ridnick Mumma,

You betta straighten out your friend Kimmyk. She is insinuating that perhaps a lil douche'll do ya.

Dead fish and all.

King Shocka Khan

6:49 a.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

hahaha! Clive Owen...clean house. Such a dilemma.

Just this year, I did some turning over of the chores. Unless you are wonder woman, moms just struggle with it. Any woman who tells you differently never has surprise guests and won't invite you in. (I KNOW this) :o) It does get easier.

12:08 p.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

PS. Pink Creed tour?

12:13 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Oh Hippo [aka Shocka Khan] you backstabbing little fucker you.

You come crawlin' over here cause you think she's gonna show you her goodies...well let me tell you somethin' I've seen 'em...nearly burned my corneas right out of my skull.

Now you both wanna play games-we'll play games.

It's on...ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.

[Just remember I have Japanese foreign exchange students reading my blog-y'know gotta keep it clean, bitches]

2:49 p.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

My child is obsessed with cleaning, but alas, I am too anal to let him. This is a serious failing on my part, but eventually I will learn that even housework done badly is still DONE.

4:28 p.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

We live in the same reality, apparently, except for the part where you can coerce your children into housework. I tried, with WB, but it seems that 14 month olds aren't big on mopping the floor (she likes the mop, though. And the water. Just can't work the two of them together. Hm.)

7:53 p.m.  
Anonymous AZ said...

Hello, my name is AZ, and I am a neat freak. My house is immaculate. My pantry is something to behold, everything has the date and purchase price written on it so that I can properly rotate my inventory. All my towels are folded so that only the folded edge shows when you open my linen closet. I have a computer list of the contents of my freezer. All my closets are clean. My kitchen cabinets and drawers are organized (you'd have to see it to believe it). My yard is maticulous and my trees are pruned to perfection. All my shrubs are perfectly round and I plant flowers from seed every fall so that I have beautiful flowers in my backyard which nobody sees. I was born a neat freak, I and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My sister always say my house is clean because I like to clean house, but I don't like to clean house -- I driven to clean! Count your blessings and hope your children are never neat freaks. Oh yeah, I don't have any children they're messy, and I would have driven the crazy trying to make them just like me.

2:39 a.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

I have to make a similar comment as daisydee. I was one of those fortunate kids who had to do dishes after school (when I was in kindergarden). I had to vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms and laundry by the time I was 7 or 8- no word of a lie- and that was on top of all the other household and outside chores I had to do. I guess that is why my parents called me "Cindy", short for "Cinderella".
Oh well, I guess it was teaching me discipline and giving me character, right?

2:57 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

AZ fucking scared me.
Somebody hold me.

7:33 a.m.  
Anonymous weird masturbation stories said...

He started tofuck me slowly at first then a little faster and faster until hiships were a blur going up and down on me, his cock pumping harderand harder into my hot pussy. Bessie took his hand in hers and stared at thedelicacy display.
bdsm secretary stories
adult animal stories
free gay interracial short stories
preteen taboo stories
stories of human and animal sex
He started tofuck me slowly at first then a little faster and faster until hiships were a blur going up and down on me, his cock pumping harderand harder into my hot pussy. Bessie took his hand in hers and stared at thedelicacy display.

4:02 p.m.  
Anonymous free adult animal xxx porn stories said...

Ah, I never thought Id find you here Sportacusdear. In fact, letsgo straight over to my bosss house and have a talk with him.
sexy bed time stories
total femdom stories
grandmother beastiality stories
incest sex stories archive net
femdom pyssy slave stories
Ah, I never thought Id find you here Sportacusdear. In fact, letsgo straight over to my bosss house and have a talk with him.

2:00 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many people have played online games at some point. With each generation born, more are exposed to video gaming. The gaming industry is more than likely going to keep growing over the next few years and you should stay up-to-date with new trends.

Look on the Internet for hints and recommendations when you are starting to play a game. When you can't get past a particular level, it can be greatly irritating, and result in a lack of desire to play it further. This will help you to get to the next level and enjoy the rest of the game.

If you are thinking about buying some new games, join a discussion board where gamers share reviews of their favorite games. Some gaming forums will give you a wealth of knowledge. You'll find the reviews to be honest as none of the forum members are paid by the developers. Those are the types of reviews that you surely can believe.

Make the screen brighter. If you can't see the game, you won't be able to play well. You may find that you're frequently being attacked because you can't see. Increase the brightness so you do not miss anything, even if it ruins the dark atmosphere of the game. It will make the colors easier to distinguish and you'll be able to spot your enemies before they spot you.

As you buy a game, make certain that you get warranty or insurance protection. You will feel secure in the knowledge that you can just replace it without hassle. A console is likely to run into problems eventually. Take precautions.

Learn all you can about the gaming console's content and safety settings. There is usually a setting to keep young children from accessing potentially inappropriate content. The most advanced systems will even give you the option to customize the settings for each user like a computer would.

The ESRB rates games. The EC rating stands for early childhood or ages three and older. An E rating applies to games that are good for children aged six and over. E+10 means ten year olds and above can play. A T rating is for the age range of 13 plus. The M rating, also known as Mature, is appropriate for teens aged 17 and up. AO means Adults Only and RP is short for Rating Pending.

If buying a game for a kid, make sure you solicit multiple opinions. There are many things that determine what is age appropriate. You should only buy the game after doing your research.

Rather than spending money on a new playstation, consider playing your favorite games on your computer. Many games, especially ones that have been out for a while, are avaiable to be played free online. This allows you game play at a much lower price.

All games have ratings thanks to the ESRB. Games are appropriate for ages 3 and older if they receive an EC or Early Childhood rating. If your children are six and older, a rating of E is appropriate. A rating of E+10 is for people older than 10 years old. If your game is rated T, it is suggested that you be 13 or older to play it. "M" (mature) rated games are for people who are at least 17 years old. AO indicates the game is just for adults and RP signifies "Rating Pending."

Figure out how to operate the safety and parental controls of any gaming system that comes into your home. You can likely make adjustments that keep kids from viewing mature content. Some allow each gaming profile to be customized separately, allowing adults to enjoy games not meant for younger audiences.

The world of video games gets bigger and better over time. But there are many choices to make where gaming is involved. This article has helpful advice for both players and parents. Follow the suggestions presented here to learn how to choose and purchase video games with confidence.

11:58 p.m.  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home