Friday, February 16, 2007

Cheap and Easy: A Husband's Delight

I haven't done much blogging since Wednesday morning. Truth be told, it is hard to read, write or even sit up right when your blood has been thinned the night before with some wonderfully yummy red wine. To say I have enjoyed my mommy juice these past evenings would be a small understatement. A more accurate description would be that I seemed to have fallen into a vat of grape juice and am slowly drinking my way out. With a straw. I enjoy my wine. But to be honest, (and in case the adoption people are reading) I don't like drinking when Boo is not home. I'm a fairly easy drunk. Wait, that came out wrong. Actually, it's fairly accurate. But I meant to say I have a low tolerance for alcohol and I can't handle my booze. I'm a cheap drunk.

Cheap and easy. No wonder Boo loves me so much. Hee hee.

Without a responsible adult in the house, I don't feel right about imbibing in one of my favorite pleasures. Instead, I pour cranberry juice into a goblet and imagine I'm drinking a fine merlot. The risk of having something happen to one of my kids and not being able to drive them to the hospital is not a risk I'm willing to take. And we all know that I have had to make that scary trip, alone and in the middle of the night, once before. Although, with that particular outcome, perhaps the mommy juice would have helped. Sigh.

So I have been taking advantage of my husband's layover. (Wow, so many innuendos in one little sentence.) The moment my darling Fric and Frac touch their pretty little blonde heads to the pillow, the cork has been popping around here. I am fairly certain if I were to line the empty bottles up in a row I would be very embarrassed. And the adoption people would send me a therapist instead of a child. Ahem.

But I feel justified in my love of the juice. I work hard at raising these children into sassy, obstinate, lazy, smart, curious and industrious little people. With little help from the outside world. And it isn't often that I get a chance to relax, unwind and depend on someone else for a little backup.

And let's be honest, the kidlets are so damn happy to see their dad, they have abandoned me to my kool-aid and have clung to their father like a burr on a dog. Hee hee. Not that I'm enjoying that or anything. Not at all. Who knew how easy this parenting gig could be when there are two parents under one roof? I can paint my toenails and balance a plate on my nose at the same time, because Fric and Frac have zero interest in me.

Poor Boo. Hee hee.

I know the reality is those children are thrilled their dad is home because it means they will finally get a home cooked meal, not one out of a can or a box, but I am willing to take what respite is offered. And if it is offered in the way of a nice bottle of red, who am I to turn it down? After all, everyone benefits. Mommy's happy, Daddy's happy, and the kids, well, to be honest, in my alcoholic haze I sort of forget that I have them, but I'm sure they are happy too.

Only one problem with Boo being home.

He will leave again. And the wine run will inevitably end. I'll have to put the corkscrew away, and lock the liquor cabinet. Because it's hard to operate a can opener and a microwave when buzzed.

And with my fine parenting skills, those are two tools of modern day convenience I can't live without.

Otherwise, we'd all starve around here.


Blogger J. said...

We would get into sooo much trouble if I lived near you.

9:34 a.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

Go ahead and enjoy the juice!! And contrary to every sitcom on TV, us dads can take care of the kids once in a while without anyone needing stitches.

10:30 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I remember when Jamie was gone alot in the Army [y'know saving the world and all...] and it would be me and the kids. We'd have a routine down like no other. Up in the morning without fuss, breakfast and out the door we'd go. Home at night, homework done after school, playtime for all, dinner by 6, baths by 8 and bedtime by 9. Then I'd sit quietly alone and think of all the fun things I wanted to do when Honey finally came home.

Now when that day came, oh joy joy! We were all so happy, the kids were happy, I could breathe freely. It was wonderful. Then it happened...

He'd start getting on my nerves. Did you pay the bills? When was the last time you mowed the grass? Blah blah blah. Shaddup for five minutes and tell me ya missed me. Five minutes later I'd be wondering when he was leaving cause he was workin' my last nerve.

I got use to being alone. I think that's why me and my children are so independent. But then again, I don't live out in the middle of Egypt like you. If that were the case I'd be drinkin' the juice too.

11:45 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Oh sure, the husband comes home and you ditch me. I get it.

As for the mommy juice, you'll get no judgment here. I'm thinking of putting in a porta-cath, just for my wine.

I will raise a glass (or two) in your honor this evening. I'll drink to your funky monkey love, lord knows one of us should be getting some.

12:13 p.m.  
Blogger jellyhead said...

They say red wine is medicinal. I like to dose myself regularly, too. But don't go OD-ing, now, will you?!

12:15 p.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

I love wine but like you, always drinking when there is someone else to take any particular child to the ER for miscellaneous breaks from launching off the top bunk in underoos.

There is nothing like a good gewurzt!!

12:27 p.m.  
Blogger Mel said...

I love it when my 3yo is in her "daddy, daddy" phases. Aaah, the peaceful, uninterrupted showers. Almost as good as a glass of wine...ok maybe not.

3:17 p.m.  
Blogger Wendy said...


Those little chickens are so funny. I could look at them all day.

3:32 p.m.  
Anonymous Heather said...

Parenting is definitely a two person job in my house. My hat is off to those of you that do it solo all the time or most of the time. If I couldn't chuck my little darlings at my husband at 5:00pm everyday I'd be crazier than I am now (no small thing I assure you!).
Enjoy your vino babe! You've earned it!

3:50 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

Enjoy it, baby! You waited and waited (and waited and waited) for hubby to come home. This is your moment to relax, enjoy him, enjoy yourself, and spurge a bit with the grape juice. Every parent needs those days to survive the other days!

5:54 p.m.  
Blogger L-Girl said...

Drink and be merry!

6:47 p.m.  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

Drink for my pregnant self while your at it, if for no other reason then to have a damn good excuse (like you couldn't come up with your own, but I'm helpful if nothing... sometimes)

Not only that.. but one becomes a bunch more bendy with a lil sauce right? Boo'll never complain

9:20 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Enjoy the wine (as long as it's not '2-buck chuck')

4:32 p.m.  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...Well said, my dear, well said! Enjoy it while you can, I say, cause you will be locking up the cabinet before you know it! And it is always good to have a respite from the cares and woes of heating up that Microwave!

9:34 p.m.  

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