Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I wish I was on a Deserted Island


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If you are looking for deep thoughts or comedy coming from this corner of the blogosphere, you may want to keep looking. I freely admit to blogging today for the purposes of garnering sympathy and perhaps a kind comment or two. I'm sick. Again. Apparently, keeping my tonsils may prove to be a bit of a challenge at my age. Unless I like waking up every two weeks or so with swollen glands and general feelings of crap. And I can't even tell you how sexy I sound when I talk. It sounds as if my mouth is full of marbles. Hot!

Last night, after a day of filled with self-pity and endless rounds of throat lozenges, I went to bed early in hopes of waking up with a bright and cheery disposition and a fever-less day.

Fool.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to "Mom, mom!" being quietly whispered beside me. In my sleep-like fog, I was confused and thought it was my dead son trying to reach out and touch me. I woke up screaming, scaring not only myself, Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. but my very much alive son, Frac.

After realizing that he wasn't his brother's ghost and when everyone's heart rates resumed to the normal range, I asked what brought him to my bedroom on his tippy toes.

Turns out the little duffer wasn't feeling well. My mommy instincts kicked into high gear and I pried my arse out of my warm cozy bed and went to get him some medicine. The stomach flu is going around in his school and he was the newest victim.

After I told him I loved him (from a distance of course, I don't want his nasty bugs playing tag with the critters torturing me) I handed over a bucket with instructions to hurl in it if he feels he can't make it to the bathroom in time. And then I crawled into my bed, thanking the heavens above that I just have strep throat and not the flu.

A half an hour later, I was again awakened by urgent whisperings of "MOM!!" Turns out, he vomited, (he made it to the bathroom) and he just wanted to share the news with me. He's thoughtful that way. I congratulated him, gave him a glass of water and sent him back to bed. Meanwhile, I'm feeling like a Mack truck just ran me down.

This cycle continued twice more last night, and each time he hurled, he shared the news like the proud nine year old boy he was. I tried to restrain my annoyance and pretended to be a good mother each time.

And then, I woke up to "MOM!" again whispered beside me.

"For Pete's sake, Frac, I'm sick too. Get your own damn glass of water this time," I snarled sleepily at my sickly son.

"No, mom, I puked but I didn't make it to the bathroom this time."

"Well, that's why I gave you a bucket. Did you use it?"

"No," he replied, sorrowfully.

"Why not? Did you lose it?" I asked, annoyed by the prospect of having to change his sheets.

"No, I just didn't want to DIRTY it."

Imagine the teeth marks on my tongue as I bit down so that I didn't hurl a stream of invective at him.

"Where exactly did you toss your cookies then, Frac?" I asked, picturing goo mixed in with a down comforter.

"Oh, I didn't want to make more work for you so I just leaned over from the top bunk and puked over the rail."

That's right, dear internet. He didn't want to make more work for his sick and fevered mother by dirtying the pail that sat beside him.

So instead, he leaned over the rail on his bed, five feet up in the air, and spewed forth like a geyser.

I've got splattered puke everywhere. Walls, underside of the bed, his book case across the freaking room, the bottom bunk's bedding, his dresser etc...If I wasn't so damn sick and disgusted, I may have been impressed with the spectacular size of splatter.

Turns out though, I'm FREAKING sick, and scrubbing vomit off every damn surface in my boy's room, as he is happily munching on toast and watching cartoons, just kind of kills any scientific fascination I may have harboured.

But it's all worth it, right? Because one day, when I'm old and feeble and he has to take care of me, I'm gonna shit my pants big time. And as he's plugging his nose and grimacing and wishing I'd just hurry up and kick it, I'm gonna look at him and smile and say "Remember the time...."

We mother's never forget.

37 Comments:

Blogger kgirl said...

i know you said that i wasn't going to laugh, but that must have just been the fever talking.

hope you feel better mama, and yes - one day, you should make him pay.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Oh T! Even when you AREN'T being funny, you really are funny. Josh is the respective vomit cleaner in our home...I hate it when someone chooses to puke when he's not home.

Feel better soon!

11:39 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, you have to make him read this one day..he owes you, big time.

11:46 AM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

How does a 9 year-old consider that to be less work for mom? The logic...

And, unfortunately, my kid's not likely to be changing my diaper when I'm old, so I can't even take comfort in that.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Eliza said...

Oh no! I'm not EVEN laughing over here, because I have had a kid puke over the rail of a top bunk, and I know what you mean with the splatteriness of the splattering, and my oldest is FIVE and when that one doesn't at least attempt to use the bucket it makes me want to wring their neck...NINE? You're a better woman than I am...I would've made him help clean it up to impress upon him how very NOT COOL this indiscriminate vomiting thing is. Not if he was lying there with his eyes glazed over, naturally, but well enough for toast and cartoons is well enough to lend a horrified, ineffective hand in the proceedings in my book. Also, YOU POOR BABY! I had my tonsils out as an adult, and...well, that was years ago and they didn't have the laser method like they do now. Hold out for the laser. Trust me on that one. Good luck :-(

12:37 PM  
Blogger Jacquie said...

Awww I'm so sorry you guys are feeling icky.
I'm sorry to that I admit it did make me chuckle at Frac's logic.
Hope you feel better soon. I guess this is where I should thank my parents for having my tonsils tipped out for me??

1:02 PM  
Blogger sillychick said...

You didn't want me to laugh, but I did anyway. I'm sorry.

I do hope you feel better. My parents always told me to gargle with salt water when I'd have a sore throat. The thought of doing it always made me gag, but I finally tried it a few years ago. Turns out it works. Just do it near the toilet.

1:30 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Oh I am sorry I laughed. Laughed hard.

The logic of a nine year old is truly astounding at times.

Hope you feel better though and that you do not catch the nasty stomach virus!

1:35 PM  
Blogger Denice said...

Just when I thought I was starting to get the hang of this whole motherhood thing with my 5-week-old, you give me such a rosie picture of things to comeā€¦ Hope tomorrow is a better day!

1:38 PM  
Blogger BlogWhore said...

too funny.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Josie said...

LOL
While I am sorry you are sick, my son has done the same thing to me - just not from a bunk bed height.
He thought puking on the Hardwood would make less of a mess than in a bucket...???
Feel better..

1:54 PM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

I'm so sorry, because this really, really made me laugh.

(BTW, I still feel the need to alert my mother if I've barfed - so you can expect those middle of the night reports for another thirty years at least.)

2:35 PM  
Blogger stefanierj said...

How do I love thee, T? Let me count the ways. I love that you blog even when you're sick. I love that you're funny even when you're sure you're not even trying. And I love that you feel you should ever be interested in the scale and scope of your offspring's bilious offage. We lesser mothers are not burdened by such thoughts. :)

3:11 PM  
Anonymous lala said...

Count me in! It happened to me too and my kid was at least ten. He got it on the underside of the steps up to the loft bed too, like it BOUNCED off of something to get there. I WILL NEVER forget it.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

So sorry, t. At least you had a clean bucket to sop up the chunks with. And Jack Daniels is the ticket for your illness. First it'll kill all those germies you collected by not washing your hands after you pee-pee and doo-doo. Secondly you must down the whole bottle at one sitting. It won't cure your illness but you'll have a hangover so bad you'll forget all about your sore throat. Plus as a bonus, you might get to puke next to your bed and you can make Frac use the dirty bucket to clean it up with.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Em said...

I am so sorry you are sick. And sorry your son is sick. But I laughed so loud at the 'over the rail' part of the story that my kids came from the other room to see what was going on. Now they are alternating between laughing and screaming "oh gross!"

5:39 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Aw, hon, I'm sorry you're sick. Nothing worse than sick kids when you're sick as well. But how can you still be so damn funny when you're ill? Not fair, my friend, not fair at all.

6:16 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

Ugh. Being sick and taking care of sick kids too...it sucks the big one.

And I DO share your pain. Liv puked over a bunk bed once and I swear it went everywhere. I was finding little bits of dried puke in the strangest places for weeks afterwards.

Feel better soon...

7:11 PM  
Blogger Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Us boys love a good five foot chuck.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Rose said...

That totally sucks. Heck, that would suck even if you weren't sick.
I think you should make sure to print out that particular post, just so you really never, ever forget.
Revenge... sweetest when tasted cold.

Feel better soon!

8:28 PM  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

So sorry, T, honey, but I laughed my head off. Been there, not quite as spectacularly as off the top of the bunk bed, but while running down the hall to ensure it was spread out amongst the largest space possible. I made him help clean it up, and he's only 5.

And the tonsils? Mine are the size of golf balls normally. If I get strep they swell together and I can barely breathe, so my kids know they aren't allowed to be while mom has throat problems - they have to push their own personal pause buttons on their remotes until the throat cooties have passed.

You poor, poor dear - I hope you are sterilizing that throat effectively. I "hear" bourbon or scotch work well for that....

8:58 PM  
Blogger TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

I remember those days. Kids that wouldn't make it. I won't tell you the stories. You lived them last night.

I hope you get to feeling better!

9:06 PM  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Dearest T, I'm so sorry the crud is upon you and I'm so sorry you had to get up out of a nice, cozy, warm bed to clean up puke all over everything. You do realize that you will get what he had just by cleaning up the puke. That's what happened to daughter last week after her two little ones got the bug.

Yes, I'm amazed that you are able to blog with everything that's going on in your house. And, I'm amazed that you have not lost your writing ability and sense of humor. That's one of the things that I love about you. You are able to convey the irony and humor in every situation -- good or bad.

I wish I could come and take care of you but I think you have the situation in hand.

P.S. Tell your son that the next time he is sick that he should either use the bucket or sleep in the bathtub.

L. xxooxx

9:30 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

LOL!

When your old, you better pull your pants down and aim for his best china.

12:32 AM  
Blogger jmvanwinkle said...

Ah....the joys of parenthood. G-Man is still young enough to keep the vomit in his crib....or all down the front of me (I had dig lovely vomit out of my bra Tuesday). Your hilarious stories of your children keep me thoroughly entertained. Boo's really on the shit-list now, huh? Hope you're better soon.

7:53 AM  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

I did something fairly similar to my Mom when I was a kid... only mine landed in the toy box. I have yet to hear the end of it.

Good Lord Lady, even sick your hilarious, and now I shall feel immense amounts of guilt at laughing.

I hope your feeling better soon... I think if you had been Dear Frac would have been helping you out with that.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Cherann said...

I just found your blog from a link on another blog. You're very funny. I think most "retired" journalist mommies write really well.

I'm also sorry for your loss. Your sad blog made me cry. :(
I admire your strength and courage...and your ability to still be funny in the face of sadness (funny on your non-sad blog).

10:09 AM  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

Sounds like your son has what ran thru ours a few weeks ago. If you can trade cleaning his up for not enjoying it firsthand, take it.

10:21 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

OMG T! I swear we are living parallel lives here. I just went through this very same thing with my ears and throat and my son Adam. I don't understand why they wake us up to tell us they just tossed their cookies, and why can't they hit the bucket? Y'know, I guess we shouldn't be surprised because how often to they hit the toilet??

Sorry to hear you're a sicky again. I feel pretty darn good today. Hope that makes you feel better.

10:34 AM  
Blogger ECR said...

And even if you were to someday forget the details, you can print out this post as solid proof. File it under V for vengeance.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Pity for.
Envy of.
Delighted by.
You.
Thanks.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous daisydee8 said...

Is that what you have to sign up for to be a mother?

No thanks!! LOL

I hope everyone is feeling better.

1:09 AM  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

Where do I start? You poor thing. I definitely would have thought about having the little puker help in the cleanup, but then again, it might have inspired more puke, or he would've done a poor job and you'd have just needed to do it over anyway. Gack. I hope you're feeling much better soon!!!

9:53 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Just loverly. Good thing it wasn't out both ends, right?

11:54 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

So descriptive, I could smell the puke from over here!

And no, we mothers never forget, you'd better believe it.

I hope you all are on the mend!!

Carrie

12:44 AM  
Blogger My float said...

Lady, you have got to toughen up. Recite after me: "You do the hurl, you clean it up."

Or maybe not.

5:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man. My son puked from the top bunk when he had the flu a few weeks ago. It was so sweet of him. Hope you are all feeling much better!!

Jamie
Gpt, MS

8:29 AM  

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