Monday, March 19, 2007

Magic Moments

As most of you know, the hubs works out of town in the oil industry, sleeping in man camps (paid prison I like to call them) or hygienically-challenged motels. There are very few women where he works, and the few ladies that he does encounter tend to be more masculine and sport heavier facial hair than the average male. Suffice it to say, by the time the hubs rolls in, home is looking pretty good. There are no fat, foul men hanging about, belching and smelling up the joint. The bed is soft and the sheets are clean. If he's really lucky, I may even serve him macaroni and cheese a la wieners with freshly shaved legs.

I really know how to go all out and treat a man. We haven't stayed together this long just by sheer luck, you understand.

When Boo first arrives home, it is akin to chaos. Every one is happy to have him back. Even Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. doesn't seem to mind being punted to the end of the bed. After the excitement wears off and you can peel the kids off dad like little burrs, things start to settle into a pattern. A nice groove. The honey-do list gets brought out and we earnestly start negotiating which chores will get done in exchange for which reward. Garbage disposal for a back rub, chimney sweeping for a hummer, returning the month overdue videos for fresh baked cookies.

Turns out, we both have our limits. My chimney still needs sweeping and my hubs refused to do the walk of shame to return the movies and face the fines. But what is marriage if not a little give and take?

These were the first four consecutive days the hubs and I have spent together since Christmas time. Sure, we've seen each other in passing, but to actually BE together for 96 straight hours has been a luxury. Slightly marred by a small vomit-fest, sure, but still a luxury. He showed he loved me by feeding me soda crackers and ginger ale, all the while promising me I could make it up to him when I felt better.

Funny, I'm still queasy...

It wasn't all roses and raindrops while he was home. The man reminded me on more than one occasion that he was absolutely blessed that he was married and not sentenced to die single and alone. Take for instance, when I got out of the shower and the hubs walked into the bathroom. With an admiring glint in his eye, he looked at me and winked. I, of course, having just showered off particles of vomit, was in no mood for anything."What???" I snarled. The dumbass hubs looks at me and innocently comments on how 'that's what he likes to see. A naked woman with a little extra meat on her bones.'

WTF??? That's me, naked, shivering and apparently, fat as a hog. Just what I needed to hear at that particular moment.

I'd have taken more offense to that particular comment, however, I was in the throws of Puke-Fest 07 and had more urgent matters to consider. And it's not like my husband has maintained his boyish figure if you know what I mean. At least I've popped out three kids. Asshat.

I do believe the piece de resistance (translation:the DUMBASS Moment of the Year Award) was when Fric and Frac were doing their chores as Boo and I cuddled on the couch. Boo was growing increasingly more frustrated with their shoddy efforts at housekeeping and suddenly decides to take it upon himself to teach the kids the proper way to clean.

"You know, if I were home more, maybe they wouldn't be this way," Boo comments, as he commandeers the dust rag.

"And just WHICH way would that be?" I ask. Poor fool. He was like a deer in the headlights, too stupid to see the train coming before it flattens him.

"Well, lazy and inept. If I were home, they wouldn't be this ridiculously incompetent. They'd have me to set an example for them."

"As opposed to the example of me, sitting on my increasingly large backside, while doing nothing but watching telly and eating chips, right?" Did I mention my hubs may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but he is VERY pretty.

"That's not what I meant. I just meant I could do it better. I could show them the proper way to clean a house."

As opposed to the improper way I have been teaching them. Foolish me.

"Are you saying I haven't been teaching them properly?" You'd think he'd have noticed the bright DANGER!! signs flashing over my head at this moment. Not my hubs. Cute and oblivious.

"No, I know you DO your BEST. But -"

Interrupting him I say, "But my BEST is not as good as your BETTER, right?"

Let's just say it was right about then that he kissed any chance for a hummer good bye. It flew out my dirty, incompetently cleaned window right about then.

"Exactly! I knew you'd get it."

Oh, I get it. I get that while I was sitting on the couch eating ice cream, my husband and my kids were cleaning my house. As I sat and watched. And did nothing. Seems to me, my best is far better than even he realizes. After all, my house was cleaned, my children were re-educated, and my husband's ego stroked all while I sat on the couch and ate my mint-chocolate chip ice cream.

And I never even had to give a hummer to get my floors washed. Seems to me, my best is pretty damned good.



Blogger Wendy said...

Right On!!! Okay that is old, but it is the best I can do in my state.

Funny, me and the hubs have been going through the same thing around here. It seems he is a little upset that I havent performed a certain wifely duty.

Well, bite me. I have been sick. Selfish prick.

Besides, where is my romance. I am a simple girl. All I need is a little rack of ribs, french fries and a good or bad movie. Jeez it is so simple to get me, that it is so sad that he doesnt get it.

I think your best is better than anyone I have seen. I need to learn this technique.

I am glad to see that not everyone is living the fairytale and that other husbands are similar to mine. It means I am not alone in my anger.

9:35 a.m.  
Blogger metro mama said...

It's a good thing he's pretty!

9:44 a.m.  
Blogger Kelly said...

Ahhhh...the dangling of a blow job. Me likey!

You really crack me up. Love the macaroni and cheese ala weiners, and with shaved legs!

9:52 a.m.  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

Hehee! Asshat, that's new.. I like it! Yeah real lucky he's pretty. Last time my Big Ug said anything like that to me, he got left with all 4 kiddo's for the weekend while I went with his Mom to their cabin. And told him to get all the laundry done, suffice it to say, he now knows better and has a greater respect for the work put in around here. I'll never forget the dozen phone calls going "when are you coming hooooome??" with a slightly frightened tone.

And you dear lady, are genius.

9:55 a.m.  
Blogger The Wilson's said...

My husband tries to show my son how to clean...I have to laugh because if it were up to him, our bathrooms would be nasty and SOME of the tables would have 3 inches of dustand never send my husband to the grocery give him a list and for some reason have of the list is missing. I guess he can't read or something. Oh well.

Hope you have a good week!!!

10:03 a.m.  
Blogger Bethany said...

Ice cream & a clean house & no "Payment"?

Smartest woman on the block.

10:12 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Was it Ben and Jerry's mint chocci chip ice cream? I love Ben and Jerry.

Now what the hell was he thinkin'? Obviously he hit his head somewhere between there [oil rig] and here [home].

Honey likes to point out cobwebs in the corners of the rooms...or in the skylights. Hello? I'm 5' tall...I can't reach that shit, that's his fault. So I'll get him a dust thingy [what the hell is that called anyways?] and give it to him to clean up. He really doesn't say much because he knows it'll be him doing all the work. He's cute...and smart. Win win!

10:43 a.m.  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Good thing that man of yours is pretty...

11:49 a.m.  
Blogger Jill said...

Hahahahaha... that's seriously a plot to a family sitcom! I love that he just kept heading right on down that lonesome road to "no sex for you!" completely oblivious. Let me guess.... he's blond, too right? :-)

1:36 p.m.  
Blogger Butrfly4404 said... chocolate chip!


Mine can see the STOP! DANGER! signs...they are usually too late, though.

2:35 p.m.  
Blogger carrie said...

I can so relate.

Right now, the hubs is on a 48 hour shift (I know, I know, nothing compared to how long yours is gone). But I so understand the elation when he comes home, then the reorganizing of the parental "hats" and then the chores . . . because I must suffer from the very same malady as you - the sitting and watching - whatever.

I hope you do feel better soon though, then you can really tell him how you feel! :)


3:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Izzy said...

So they're cleaning the house while you sit and eat my favorite ice cream? My God, you're a clever woman!

Hats off to you, doll!

4:59 p.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

That is freakin' hilarious. There's nothing like a good housekeeping hummer story.

5:15 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Damn. I should have married me a pretty man. Maybe then my house would get cleaned.

6:14 p.m.  
Blogger Maria said...

I'm with Wendy. My first thought was that I was SO glad to read a real marriage story. I get weary of the "my husband is so attentive" ones.

It's a pull and push thing. Some days it works, others not so much.

I'm curious too. What KIND of ice cream? That stuff is important. I just tried Haagen D's blackberry chip and it was so good I would have give someone a hummer for it.

Well...okay. I do have my limits...

6:31 p.m.  
Anonymous s@m said...

Oh the life of an oblivious asshat that is just too bad cute. I have one of those too. Goota love 'em. Even if it's only to look at them.

6:34 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

Married for almost 22 years. I can see that DANGER sign flashing from far away. LOL But I do remember those days of rushing into the abyss. And later, when my wife would laugh and tell the story over and over of just how dumb I could be. LOL

6:57 p.m.  
Blogger cat said...

Oh sweet jesus ... sucka indeed. Where have you been all my life?


7:12 p.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

NICELY DONE. Housekeeping services, while-u-watch.

(Bowing, and tipping hat, all at once.)

7:43 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a goddess and we need to bow at your feet. I've never tried that here but I don't think it would work here. My husband's grime meter is set a little lower than mine, a lot lower actually.
Good thing he showed you!

8:00 p.m.  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Sounds about right. Joe used to criticise my work when I helped him out in the kitchen. I soon learned that it was less of a hassle to let him do all the work while I entertained with an endless blather of nonsense. Worked for both of us!

Geez, you had a bad weekend. I'm glad that you recovered in time to enjoy some mint-chocolate chip ice cream.

8:30 p.m.  
Blogger TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

First-thank you, now my 9 yr old wants to know what an asshat is. I was laughing so hard I spit brownie on the monitor.

Second-I think YOU deserve a hummer of a different kind...for your efforts. The deluxe model.


8:49 p.m.  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

Wowza, lady, ice cream and a clean house and no putting out? Fantabulous. I bow to your brilliance.

10:01 p.m.  
Blogger Kyla said...

You are a genius, T!

10:40 p.m.  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Oh you are brilliant. Sucka indeed!

Sex for chores...we tried that, but I kept on falling asleep.

12:11 a.m.  
Anonymous the new girl said...

You are GOOD.
And good.

6:21 a.m.  
Blogger Bon said...

dude. you have a fine system there, though i do think hubs might want to have his mouth duct-taped shut next time he comes home. not only will it prevent him saying anything moronic while either of you are naked, but, heck...might be fun. ;)

special tag for you - kind of in memory of wee Bug - over at my place. come see.

7:26 a.m.  
Blogger dennis said...

man! he just blew a hummer?

that boy's been inhaling too many gas fumes!

9:51 a.m.  
Blogger mamatulip said...

And I never even had to give a hummer to get my floors washed.

You should teach a course on this. That's brilliant.

9:58 a.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

No, T. you got wrong! He purposely ignored the danger signs knowing you would then think he is an asshat. He knew you wouldnt be able to sit there and not help if you were not mad at him. It's reverse psychology.


Hey, I tried. Us guys have to defend each other sometimes.

10:44 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Wheezer said...

LOL! I got my hubs to (finally) put the Christmas ornament tubs back in the attic this weekend by starting to do it myself. Since I would do it 'wrong' he took care of it.

10:53 a.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Aha! In my next life, I'm definitely going for brawn over brains.

1:14 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

You have much more patience than I, T. I'd have risen to that button-pushing like the easy mark I am and a huge fight would have ensued.

You are my new hero. When something like this happens to me I'll say "WWTD?" What would T do?

2:26 p.m.  
Blogger Kristin said...

That is why we have a maid... it was that or divorce. The budget took the hit to save the marriage! :-)

7:18 p.m.  
Blogger TUFFENUF said...

Good one T! I salute you!

8:16 a.m.  
Blogger sara - The Estrogen Files said...

Yaaaahhh, Bay-bee! You got it all TIED UP there. Can you teach me that trick?

I think men must be blind to the danger warning signs. Hubbers usually wanders right under his...

10:19 p.m.  

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