Thursday, April 20, 2006


When I was nineteen, I went out for lunch with my neighbor and her two children. I really liked this woman, I thought she hung the moon. She was a hip mom, she listened to cool music, drove a convertible, and dressed like a fox. She was the antithesis to my mother and the very image of the type of mother I hoped to oneday be. That was, until she finished off the half eaten, drooled-into-mush remains of a hamburger her two year old couldn't finish. I remember looking at her in horror, and her laughing at me. She told me when you are a mother, your kid's drool won't bother you. I didn't believe her then, but three kids and buckets of spit later, I do now.

I get that with mothering comes wiping green snotty goobers with kleenexes (or if it's an emergency, using your sleeve.) I even can eat the salivated mushy remains of their dinner (but let's face it, I am never that hungry that I feel the need to.) I don't flinch when a kid takes a swig of my drink and I watch as the backwash floats into my cup. You can sneeze on me, pee on me, even puke on me, and I understand this is what it means to be a mother.

I know that when there is a mutant turd in the tub, the job falls to me to clean it up. When a sliver needs extraction, a blister needs bursting, a wound needs washing, I know this is what a mom does.

I understand all this, I even invite it. I love being a mom. But I would just like to know, is why, oh why, can I not pee in peace? Is it too much to ask to be able to wipe my arse in private? Why must you ask me a question just as I am sitting on the throne? Did you not notice I was in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet? Is the closed door really code for "throw the door wide open and barge in to ask if you can have yet another cookie?"

I signed on for a lot of things when I gave birth, but I must have missed the chapter on this.


Anonymous jess said...

Oh i hear you!

I've resorted to locking the door on ocassion which is met with panic and mad knocking and "what are you doing?"

I really don't know what they think i could be doing.

11:45 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

I know. They ignore you for most of the day, but as soon as you step foot in the bathroom, a little siren rings in Overly Attached Kid land and there they are, pounding away at the door. Just like the old days when you were stuck in your room with your boyfriend way beyond a reasonable hour and your dad starts pounding on the door. Ok, that didn't happen to me, I was a late bloomer - the product of an all-girls school, but I can IMAGINE that's what would have happened had I had a normal upbringing! And that's good enough.

Back to you, Redneck Mommy. For you, and indeed all mothers, I have one word - "LOCK".

1:42 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All family members in my house practice throne barging. However, my satisfaction comes with the loud groans I hear when they get hit with that pungent odor.

Happy Friday!

4:30 a.m.  
Anonymous Crazedmomof4 said...

I totally understand. I feel a vacation would be to pee in peace!

5:56 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:34 a.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

When my son was a toddler, he thought "privacy" was another word for "pooping," which it sorta is when ya think about it. ;^)

11:57 a.m.  
Anonymous Izzy said...

I dunno...I think it's some kind of Universal Law or something. It's just the same here.

4:13 p.m.  
Blogger Dawn said...

I tried to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and my 17 year old stepson was still up. It was late and I was trying to still stay asleep locking doors and no lights went on and bam...the door flies open...I screamed "don't you think the door is shut for a reason.....and I am the one found guilty....oh well, it only gets better (worse)

10:20 a.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

I sucked snot out of WOnderBaby's nose. 'Nuff said.

But what I really want to know is this: if you have no privacy in the bathroom, where're you gonna go to read all of those free Playboys that Yuriy just tipped you off to?

11:28 a.m.  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Mommies never get any privacy.

10:05 p.m.  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I've started insisting on privacy myself. The older child wants privacy herself and so should respect mine. And the younger child has a penchant for sticking her hand in the toilet.

11:03 a.m.  
Blogger Gette said...

I remember one day when everone ws gone, going to my bathroom alone and feeling quite pleased with myself, until the cat knocked the door open and let herself in. Even the cat wouldn't let me pee in peace!!

11:02 a.m.  

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