Thursday, November 02, 2006

Trust Me, I'm A Good Mom. Now Give Me A Baby

When the hubs and I decided to embark upon the adoption journey, we believed we were prepared for any and all roadblocks that stood before us. We thought we were prepared for the obvious and the invisible. We could handle our families lukewarm acceptance tolerance of the idea of bringing home a special child. After all, they grew to love the Shalebug, they will grow to love our new bundle of joy as well. Or I'll kick their asses.

We can pay our respective doctors fifty smackers each to fill out a medical questionnaire (four questions) to tell the government we aren't crazy, dying or addicted to any harmful substances.

We can forward copies of our marriage and birth certificates and have criminal reference checks done. No problem.

I'll even clean the house and pretend I don't let the dog (or the kids) drink out of the toilet when they come for a home inspection.

What we weren't prepared for were the silly ass questions of the self-assessment report. Or how freaking long it would take to finish the f#*&ing thing.

For example, How would you describe yourself?

As a over-worked, under-paid, tattooed and pierced soccer skating club mom, who has a twisted sense of humor and a passion for fried foods. (Some how I don't think this is what they are looking for.)

How would others describe you?

I don't know, when I've asked people to describe me, they've hoofed it to another room in two shakes of a lamb's tail. What does that say?

Do you use any street drugs?

Why yes. I'm cracked out on some whack Meth as I write this. (Seriously, if I used street drugs, would I really be interested in divulging my addiction to a government agency so they could swoop in and take my remaining two kids instead of handing over another?)

What was your education experience like as a student?

Well, beyond being known as the Carpenter's dream (flat as a board and never been nailed), when I wasn't being stuffed into a locker or being pointed at and the object of whispered giggles, I was busy being in the drama club and running for dear life on the track team. Me and my invisible friend really enjoyed standing at the side of the gym watching the cool kids dance and stick their tongues down each other's throat. But that was okay, because as I aged, I realized I was too cool for the cool kids and shunned them all, reveling in my status as a geeky loner. Yes, I showed them all.

What is your current employment and do you enjoy your job?

Indentured servitude to an unappreciative flock while being a full-time, unpaid babysitter for my seven month old nephew. And why yes, I love cleaning up pee, folding unending piles of laundry, wiping shitty bums of babies who don't belong to me, and serving lovingly cooked, balanced meals to children who shrivel up their noses and ask if they can have ketchup with it. I live for this job, why else would I be asking for you to give me yet another one?

How were you raised and disciplined as a child?

I was set loose in the wilderness to forage for nuts and berries. When I filled my bucket I followed my bread crumb trail back to my home to share with my siblings. When I didn't fill my bucket to the top, my father would march me outside, make me pick a willow switch, watch while he carved it and then suffer the indignity of having him use it on my backside.

All in all, it was a lovely childhood, thanks for asking.

What qualities do you most appreciate about your partner?

Well, I love how handsome he is, but mostly I love the fact that he leaves me for long periods of time to do as I please while he busts his ass to provide me with money to spend freely upon myself. And he never complains when I spend it on more shoes, or to put yet another hole in my body.

How do you resolve stress in your relationship?

I yell, nag and curse. If that doesn't work, I withhold sex. Works pretty well.

Describe, in detail, the kind of child your family would like to adopt.

One that never talks back, remains cute as a button, never needs to be fed and can change his/her own ass. If that's not available, I'll simply take the most messed up kid you've got; the one no one else wants.

What are your reasons for wanting to adopt?

Well, quite frankly, the idea of growing fat, becoming nauseous, constantly needing to pee and then subsequently squeezing a watermelon-sized infant out of my va-jay-jay just doesn't hold the appeal it once did. That and I'm looking for someone to take the place of my now deceased son, so that the work production in my child labor-run factory is increased. Isn't that everyone's reason?

So you see, dear internet, the real problem here. I have a smart mouth and an obvious desire to use it. So as I'm writing my answers in our little booklet, my husband is madly erasing and trying to politely re-write what I've wrote.

This is going to be a long process. And I'm going to have to buy a bigger eraser for my husband.


Anonymous dreadmouse said...

The truth can be a very dangerous thing, can't it? Best not put this blog's address on your application form, I'm thinking!

9:34 a.m.  
Blogger toyfoto said...

So That's WHY I never ever got a job that required I fill out a psychological assessment. I thought I was just being honest.

10:50 a.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Good grief, indeed. What a ridiculous set of questions. NOw, if you had a squillion dollars, you could swoop overseas, pick up a kid like THAT (click fingers) and be home in time for dinner. Just like Madonna. Or Angelina. Maybe you could knock up a house while you're there. Or a well for the village.

Actually, I wonder if they had to fill out these ridiculous forms? Imagine their responses! Hi, my name's Angie, I used to wear a vial's of my first husband blood around my neck. I pashed my brother at the Oscars. Did loads of whacked out things. But lookee at this cheque. Baby now, please. And make it a pretty one.

Not, I hasten to add, that I mind the Angies and MAdonnas of this world adopting kids in need. But these forms? Give me some common sense, people!

11:23 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

You are so screwed.


Just make sure your husband proof reads everything and you'll be okay. In no time you'll have another kid in your family to complain about, I mean, love and enjoy.

11:52 a.m.  
Blogger Thumper said...

But isn't just a litttttle tempting to send in your answers as is...? ;)

12:27 p.m.  
Blogger creative-Type Dad (Tony) said...

Yeah, so I think you may have some trouble.

They might give you a kid with the lung on the outside though. On second thought, no - they probably won't.

2:46 p.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

"How do you resolve stress in your relationship?

I yell, nag and curse. If that doesn't work, I withhold sex. Works pretty well."

If there weren't a baby at stake here, I would triple-dog-dare you to send this in. As it is, though, whyn't you forward that pesky form to me and I'll fill in the "descriptions of what other people would say" part. I promise to be nice--I mean, I *did* try to hunt your ass down when you went AWOL, didn't I?? :)

3:10 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Honesty, in this case, is not the best policy. Play nice now, and play their game, so you can take home a nice new baby. I think they make it so difficult to weed out those not entirely dedicated to the adoption process. It's like being in the military. They take everyone who joins, then begins the process of weeding out the undesirables. I have no doubt that you and husband will get through this silly process and become the proud parents of a new baby. It will just take some time. We'll wait.

5:34 p.m.  
Blogger Daisydee said...


I see NOTHING wrong with these answers! They are honest and to the point.


6:29 p.m.  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

This is brilliant! LOL! Funny and so wonderfully written, too...
You are so talented and I hope you really do write these answers in the application----of course that is counting on the hope that they have a sense of humor...(Fat Chance)...Well, disregard my advice, my dear....!

3:10 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Y'know if you answer it truthfully they'll think you're lying. Which is sad. As much as we [as a society] want to believe there are good people in the world we are so jaded we don't believe it's a good thing when we see it.

That being said-tell 'em if they don't fork over a kid you'll have a blogger sit in at their office and the bitches better provide some lunch cause I get real fussy like if I don't eat every two hours.

Word to your mother.

10:55 a.m.  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Sometimes we all wish we could answer silly questions with silly answers.
Very funny post T!

5:20 p.m.  
Blogger EmmaSometimes said...

my sil is going through the same thing with adopting a baby from China. It's been forms after forms and what? almost two years later they are just getting their app to China. And the questions ARE absurd...

by the way, if you want to see their website, let me know and I can send you their url.

9:45 p.m.  
Blogger EmmaSometimes said...

oh and that picture...OH LORDY that is hilarious...

9:46 p.m.  
Anonymous marsha said...

I have had several friends in the last few years set out to participate in the adoption process...I feel for you...I really do..Goodnews is that they all received toddlers from china.

10:23 a.m.  
Blogger Junebugg said...

Don't you just love Bureaucracy? Hang in there and play nice, those people have no sense of humor and tend to take things some literally. Somewhere there's a baby just waiting for you to spoil it rotten and mess with it's mind

1:12 p.m.  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Just even from some of the wackadoodles, depressives, and dogmatic assholes I've come across in the blogworld, you're a better parent a million times over (however sarcastically you'd like to spin yourself). I'm counting for karma to be on your side here.

8:09 p.m.  
Blogger J. said...

All I could think of while reading this is that some people should have to take some kind of test before even having children of their OWN.
Strange world.

4:15 p.m.  
Anonymous Jojo said...

Oh, let me help with the how would other people describe you... Oh the revenge I could get. Oh wait it was I who did all the stupid shit! Still, I've got some goods on you!

6:22 p.m.  
Blogger TUFFENUF said...

T.- fill those answers out in pencil, so your husband can fix them! Try to keep smiling during the in-house inspection!

6:51 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

How stupid. I mean, isn't it enough that you want a child that someone else couldn't or wouldn't care for? Doesn't that answer the most fundemental question about the character of you and your husband?


9:02 a.m.  
Blogger PunditMom said...

Ah, this brings back all SORTS of wondeful memories. We adopted our lovely daughter R. in 2001, and I had tried to put all that paperwork nonsense out of my head.

Hang in there -- R. is now almost 7 (going on 30) and we are so happy (most of the time!) to be her parents!

10:57 a.m.  

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