Friday, December 29, 2006

The Very Best Intentions

I love ringing in each new year. Not because it is an excuse to get plastered and walk around pinching people's bottoms; who am I kidding, I don't ever feel a need to have a reason to do that. No, I love looking back on the year past and marveling on how I managed to stay sane, married and out of prison. Oh, and how nobody knocked on my door and took away my children while I stood there puffing on my cigarette, yelling at the cops about how nobody treats this redneck like this and gets away with it....

Too bad I don't smoke.

This past year was pretty tame in comparison to some of the years I have had. I didn't have the opportunity to watch my best friend being dragged out of her house handcuffed, while wearing only a tank top and shorts. No shoes, no undies and no bra. (And Roxylynn's girls need to be confined. Someone could lose an eye when those girls are loose.) I didn't have to go down to the local cop shop to give a statement on her behalf to get her sprung. Nope, nothing exciting like that happened this year. This year Roxylynn learned how to be a law-abiding citizen and avoid the slammer. There goes my summer excitement...sigh...

This year was almost dull. We had family get togethers with only one or two dramatic moments. I can proudly say only a few of those moments were due to my inner shrew being released. Our family grew by one; the lovely addition of The Worm, and we didn't lose any more family members. Hallelujah! I made wonderful new friends through this little blog. Some of them hairier, some mouthier, and some more verbose than others, but all dear to my heart. And these are just a few of the wonderful people who have reached out to touch me (and not in a dirty way.) I thank you all.

I even managed to make a few new friends who exist beyond my computer screen and can come over to actually poke me. Not that any of them have (though I'm sure they've started looking for a sharp stick), but they've all taken a weird fascination with my snide and sorrowful self. For which I am absolutely grateful.

This New Year's Eve, I plan on loudly proclaiming my resolutions. (Loudly because, well, I'll probably be drunk and I tend to have a problem with volume control while inebriated.)

Because I love you so, I'll let you in on these promises.

First off, I pledge to keep my mouth shut when dealing with any mother figure I have in my life. (Included in this: MIL's, Nana-Inlaws and matriarch-type neighbors.) I will do this even if it means stitching my lips shut.

(I will consider myself successful if I can keep my trap shut until after Bug's birthday. Yes, I know dear internet, that is only Jan.4, but I never said I aimed high...)

Secondly, I promise to be the best damn mommy in the world, to both my existing and future children. This is a broad spectrum pledge which includes trying to include more food choices in their diet which doesn't come out of a box and have a delicious orange cheese flavored powder to stir in; and also includes the promise of trying not to embarrass my children by walking into their school with my slippers on, a ball cap and no makeup while yelling "Yooohooo, mommy loves you....You forgot to give me a kiss...." Because this has been known to happen on occasions such as when they forget to take their lunches or bring their homework with them.

(Who am I kidding, I take pleasure in tormenting them. I just plan on learning how to be more subtle about it...)

Thirdly, I plan on not subjecting this body to any more tattoos or piercings.

(I have the best of intentions, but without my hubs to put a leash on me, this one may be kinda hard...)

And lastly, I plan on being the best damn wife to Boo that I can be. Because with the ten year anniversary rapidly approaching, surely the man deserves it. I promise to be attentive to his every sexual need, not to nag at him to pick up his tools or his dirty socks and to actually smile while scrubbing out his bathroom.

Okay, who am I kidding. I'm outright lying. If he wanted that type of wife, the poor bastard never would have married me. He likes me fiesty.

Of course there are the typical resolutions I make every year, like trying hard not to incur any more speeding or parking tickets; promising not to spend any money foolishly on books, music, and shoes; and pledging to curb my sarcastic remarks to any and all sales people and adoption workers I meet, but I think we all know the flaws of those intentions.

I never claimed I didn't have a few er, quirks to my personality.

So this New Year's eve, I will be the one tottering about, spilling my drink and loudly proclaiming my new resolve.

While my children silently watch their mother in awe and shame and my husband does his best to keep me from pinching the ass of the 20 year old boy who is slightly afraid of this aging redneck.

Happy New Years friends. May your resolutions be more successful than mine.


Blogger kimmyk said...

At least ya had good intentions. Y'know that's really all that matters.

Oh yeah, and that whole "mouthy" thing? I know you weren't talkin' about me.

Just think-in 2007 we may actually meet face to face. It could possibly be your best.year.EVER.

12:50 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Oh yeah...THANKS for bringing laughter into my life in 2006.

I was blessed in finding you....

12:51 p.m.  
Anonymous Liza said...

That was SUCH. A GOOD. POST.

I counted this as the best holiday season since the birth of my second child (now two and a half). Every holiday since then I have broken my fucking foot. Year before last I was stumbling around pregnant with an otitis-y, insomniac autistic baby on my shoulder, pregnant with The Most High-Maintenance Child E-vah. And kicked a Fisher-Price talking tape recorder, the big, heavy kind belonging to the then-three-year-old oldest one, and broke my toe, and yea verily, I did cry and put ice on it at home because while it was surely broken I didn't want to expose TMHMCE-vah to the radiation of an x-ray in utero, nor did I want to dull my pain with narcotics that could make said fetus stupid. Last holiday season my youngest was just out of the hospital for the second long time, with an NG-tube that only I knew how to replace, and I took a thoughtfully-precooked crockpot (16-quart) of chicken soup out of the fridge while trying to hold the door open with my elbow and dropped it on my foot. It bounced off and soup filled the fridge, the floor, and under every kitchen appliance. There was a big white dent in my foot. Then it hurt and I was like oh holy fuck I am going to die in front of my children and nobody will feed the bayyyyyybeeeee...I stayed home and cried with ice on it because the baby had fragile lungs and I didn't want to take those lungs to the ER unless it was for their sake. This year that same child, still sickly but reasonably active and cognitively intact, attempted to pull a television down upon their head and g-tube-spouted belly and I swooped across the room and grabbed the baby up and back and into the air, and the television fell on my foot. Of course. And I could have gone to the hospital, because their father was there (albeit half-comatose from the stomach flu--I kept shoving phenergan from my own stash down his throat with Gatorade and he stayed home, too), but you know what? I already had vicodin from when the two-year-old autistic beast-childe broke my nose with their skull, so I stayed home, and put ice on it, and DECORATED THE MOTHERFUCKING TREE SINGING HOLIDAY SONGS!!! We Are The Champions should have been playing in the background instead of Carol King, but other than that it pretty much rocked. NOBODY went to the hospital. NOBODY.

People think I'm playing martyr when I say this, but I assure you I am not: BEST HOLIDAY EVER!

12:56 p.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

LOLOLOLOL. I loooove your sense of humor.

Here's to a rockin' '07.

1:39 p.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

Yah, this year was pretty tame, but who's complaining?

You are so full of it with the New Year's resolutions. Weren't you just telling me about yet another appendage you were planning on getting? Don't worry though, it's all good. I'll still love you even when you are the neighbourhood freak and all the kids are scared to look you in the eyes. I'll still love you when we go for walks and the neighbours run screaming for their front doors as soon as they see you. Like I said, it's all good.

Happy New Years T! I love you!

2:30 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

I hope your 2007 is peaceful and full of the laughter of your new child. I'm glad we "met!"

2:59 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

The part about satisfying your husband's every sexual desire made me snort. Would you like to borrow my knee pads?

Happy New Year, from one Sasquatch to another!

4:26 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

I applaud your good intentions! And I hope you manage to keep 1 or 2 of these. If you do, you'll be better at this stuff than I am!

6:18 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey... thanks coming back to the blogsphere and for bringing humour into our lives.

I only wish I had your writing talents. resolutions for me, cause I never keep em anyway

Happy New Year.

7:55 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

We love you as you are!!

12:14 a.m.  
Blogger Softball Slut said...

You should read She is the ultimate in doing subtle things to embarress your children. I am totally taken notes. Happy New Year

10:33 a.m.  
Blogger something blue said...

Happy New Year! I bet the twenty year old is hoping for at least a quick slap on the rump.

I should really stop giving my children sweets before meals. But I know that would last about three days and I'd be back to slipping them a cookie.

11:55 a.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

Happy New Year! My approach toward resolutions-I'm-never-going-to-keep is just not to make them. But your approach is much, much funnier. I look forward to hearing the full report each time you break one. Best wishes in 2007!

12:01 p.m.  
Anonymous J said...

Happy New Year. Looking forward to more of your awesomes post this year to come.

2:11 p.m.  

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