Monday, December 18, 2006

The Welcome Wagon

My husband phoned last night to inform me he would be arriving home this afternoon, instead of tomorrow night.

I want to be excited, but I'm falling a little flat. He should arrive home before the children get off the school bus, which means....Well, in theory it means there is time for a little afternoon delight. It's been several weeks since I have had to pick up his dirty socks, sleep in the hollow of the bed, or watch him scratch his boyish parts. I should be ravenous for a little man-love. But I'm not. Because the moment he gets home, my honey-do list will be calling his name. After all, I have weeks of garbage bags out on the back deck, no wood for the fire place and most importantly, so much freaking snow in the yard that people are starting to think I am an abominable snow woman. (And they haven't even seen my legs to prove their theory.)

The reality of my hubs homecoming is more likely this:

Boo: " Honey, I'm home. Come give your man some love."

T: " Shhhh, you'll wake up The Worm. He's teething and acting like Lucifer himself this afternoon."

Boo: "Well, then we'll just have to have quiet love," said as he paws at me.

T: "Did you just walk on my clean floors with your muddy boots still on?"

Boo: "I've been saving myself for you ...."

T: "Wait, did you walk up the drive way? Did you not notice my car parked at the bottom, by the road, because our driveway has over two feet of snow in it? Do you know how hard it is to pack The Worm up that driveway with his diaper bag and food bag. He's over 25 pounds now!"

Boo: " Come here, let me give you a massage, I'll work out your kinks..."

T: "Could you please go blade the driveway so I could actually, oh, I don't know, drive up it."

Boo: "Now? I just got home?!"

T: "Even better. You're still wearing your boots and your jacket..."

Boo: mutters as he heads outside "Well, I'm fucked, but somehow it just doesn't feel right..."

Don't get me wrong, I plan on rewarding his good behaviour with a little naughty behaviour of my own. But a woman has her priorities. And nookie with the hubs, while still delightful, falls behind her nephew's afternoon nap and plowing the driveway, but still comes before oh, say, scrubbing the toilets and folding the laundry.

Now, if you will excuse me. I have to locate a chainsaw to hack away the forest growing on my tree stumps legs. I wouldn't want the hubs to know he married a Yeti.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should be taking more care of yourself at all times. Your legs need to be shaved in anticipation for your husbands return. Remember it is your husbands home and he does bring home the bacon you know! Make hime feel extra special.

10:13 a.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

You will be excited to see Boo, just wait and see. As for the list of things for Boo to do, he's got time to do it. Go easy on him, he loves you.

11:48 a.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

Awww, how sweet that Boo left you a comment. But why is he calling himself "anonymous?" :)

12:48 p.m.  
Blogger T. said...

Tsk, tsk, Steph.

Anonymous wasn't my Boo.

My Boo likes me hairy. And he would be alarmed if I went out of my way to make him feel special.

He'd think he had a terminal disease or something!

1:31 p.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Wow. I was going to be all, like, stay hairy lady! but anonymous set me straight! Close one!

2:23 p.m.  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Could anonymous be Boo? I know you said it wasn't, but it sure sounds like it.

5:10 p.m.  
Blogger CuteBeachGirl said...

Work always come before play, why can't men understand that?

5:50 p.m.  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

So have you gotten laid yet?

6:25 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Now, the Abominable Snow Woman is white, right? Which means you're hairy and in need of a good colorist. Sheesh.

Um, I'm a little afraid of Anon. Does he really believe that bullshit he's throwing around?

7:45 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Poor guy. I feel his pain.

And I guess he wants to you shave your legs too

11:35 p.m.  
Blogger Weekends Off said...

Honey-do list or not...I'm sure he'll just be glad to be home!

Hairy legs keep ya warm at night!

7:12 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

Ha! Mine gets that to-do list too.
They must look soooo forward to coming home!

8:31 a.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

"Well, I'm fucked, but somehow it just doesn't feel right..."

*snort* I swear, it sounds like we're married to the same man...

12:57 p.m.  
Anonymous J said...

You keep me LMAO. You have such a way with words I tell ya.

1:20 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Anon musta hit his/her head. Puullllease with that nonsense. It's her home too you moron. Don't make me pissy it's the holidays,damnit.

Now, back to you T. Ya bush biotch shave them legs and then put 'em to your ears...ok, don't. It was just a thought.

7:20 p.m.  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Wait, that anonymous person is joking, right? Hahaha, that was almost as funny as your post ...

Can my kid be your nephew, too?

7:52 p.m.  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

kimmyk made me laugh out loud. T has informed me about you. I wanna party with you.

10:32 a.m.  

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