Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Awful Truth

Watching my children navigate the hallways of school has brought me back to my own days of algebra and bra snapping. (Or in my case, lack of bra snapping.) I love watching them suffer through the math tests and science quizzes. Er, I mean, nothing pleases me more as a mother than watching my children adeptly handle all that their teachers require of them. Yes, that's better. He he. There is one major difference between my children and me as a school-aged child. They are decidedly cool, where I was the definition of geek. I was a runt; small and slow to hit puberty, and when I did, I was stuck in the ugly duckling phase while everyone else had already morphed into beautiful swans. I was always out of sync with my peers. I marched to the rhythm of my own invisible drum. Sadly, my drum banged at a different beat than all the others.

My kids, however, rock. And I proudly proclaim this. I have no shame. I beam with pride. Somehow, I managed to give birth to two of the cool kids. They're smart, beautiful and hip. They've escaped (for now) the geek gene that runs unfettered in their blood line.

And when the day comes, (as I fear it may) when they falter and transform into the nerds their parents were, I will be there to prop them up and cheer them on. But until that day (or rather if that day) comes along, I will just marvel at how swan-like they are. And wonder why I never could manage it while stuck in the pit of hell known as public school.

How I longed to be able to stand up to my classmates and tell them they had it wrong, I wasn't a geek, that I was really a rocking gal stuck in some lame pimpled, flat chested body. Just because I didn't have hooters or the skill to rim my eyes with the coolest shades of teal green did not mean that I didn't have a cool streak.

Alas, my voice went unheard. For fear of being shoved into the nearest open locker. But now, as a grown up, the only zits I have are on my back which nobody sees. And I can fake boobs with the best of them, thanks in part to chicken cutletty things and Victoria Secret. Now I will be heard. Even if it's only by my dog. I no longer fear being shoved into a locker.

When Mama Tulip and Mrs. Chicky asked for volunteers to be interviewed, I waved my hand, bounced up and down and cried "Pick me! Pick me!" Cuz dammit, you all need to know the coolness that is me.

Feel free to click away at any time.

Would you ever leave Alberta for another province, or are you gonna live there forever n' ever?

Mama Tulip, two years ago I would have answered that I was free to roll where ever the wind blows me. But now with my Bug planted in the ground I feel connected to my Alberta soil more than ever. I just couldn't bear to leave my boy behind permanently. So I would leave the land of prosperity for a short time, but my chains would always yank me back.

If you could live anywhere else in the world - excluding that God
forsaken place you're living in now - where would that be and why?

Well, Mrs. Chicky, presuming I could exhume my poor Bug (and that thought creeps me out to no end) to take him with us, I'd pick Costa Rica. I have a thing for toucans. And warm temperatures.

Name a song that takes you back to your childhood.

That, Tulip, is easy. My folks were country folks and always had the radio on the farm station. I hear Dolly sing this and I think of my childhood kitchen and the sound of my mom's sewing machine rumbling with the radio on in the background.

I'm sorry, from now on you can only eat one food item for the rest of your life. But you get to pick what type of food that will be. What will you pick?

Mrs. Chicky, that's a tough one. But I'd have to say pizza. I love my cheesy goodness. Oh, how I love my cheesy goodness. (And being stuck out in the middle of no where means I never get to eat my cheesy goodness until it's a congealed and rubbery mess....Shudder.)

Name a staple in your wardrobe.

Well, Mama T, I would love to say underwear, but alas, I'm not wearing any. (Was that an over share?) I'm going to go with my love of sweaters. I love a soft, pretty sweater that fits just right and keeps me warm. Because I really hate being cold. Especially black sweaters. V-neck, turtle neck, angora and cashmere. I love them all.

As a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?

Easy. In fifth grade I loudly proclaimed my wish to be a long haul truck driver like my Grandfather. When the fits of laughter subsided and my teacher finished chastising me about the importance of setting loftier goals and not wasting the gift of my brain, I awkwardly changed my mind and told them I was just joking, I really wanted to be a brain surgeon. My teacher nodded and patted me on the head and told me what a smarter choice that was.

I still think being a truck driver would be cool. And I still think that teacher is an ass.

Which piercing was more painful -- your nipples or your nose?

Tulip, I gotta tell you...hands down the nose. But the nipples bruised a beautiful shade of blue. That look rocked. Blue nips with silver hoops. I should have taken pics.

***Please note above graphic is not in any way, shape or form the opinion of author of this blog. Nor is it a personal preference in the boudoir or at least one that I am choosing to comment on. If my husband sees this post and decides to get some funny ideas, may I direct you to the nearest Hot Asian Chick.***

Finish this sentence - "Girls with tattoos ____________."

...have rocks for brains. That's what my father kept telling me, anyways, Mrs. Chicky. Personally, I think girls with tats get more action. We're a tad wilder in the bedroom. Everybody knows that....

What's your middle name? Is there a story behind that name?

Now, Tulip, that is foul play. I don't tell anyone my middle name. (Except Sillychick whom I have threatened with death to keep it on the downlow.) I will share that it is a family name,and it starts with E and ends with E.

(And Boo, if you ever want to get me naked again, you will keep your mouth shut and your fingers away from that keyboard.)

Having read that, aren't you all just a little surprised I was ever stuffed in a locker? I mean, seriously, am I cool or what?

If anyone is brave (or dumb) enough to want to be interviewed by me, just ask nicely in the comments. Make sure I have your email. This way my husband can't say I never used that degree in journalism. You'd be doing me a favour.

Wink, wink.


Blogger metro mama said...

I'm both dumb and brave!

I'd love to be your interviewee.


9:28 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too was an uncool kid at school but not because I was a runt, I was that way too tall kid. Remember how they lined us up for photos, by height? I was usually last. The boys didn't catch up with me until grade nine or ten but by then it was too late, the damage was done. I was a geek, a very tall, skinny, flat chested geek.
I've gotten over it, obviously.
I'm scared, but what the hell, you say you're a journalist. Interview me. Be gentle. I bruise easily.

9:45 a.m.  
Anonymous Liza said...

Oooo hey do me, do me! Then I can just post a link and not write anything that day.

9:52 a.m.  
Blogger jmvanwinkle said...

I'd love to be interviewed...I anxiously await your questions...I'm sure they'll be hilarious.

Julie (and I think you have my e-mail)

9:56 a.m.  
Blogger Mad Hatter said...

I love Dolly. Always have.

10:19 a.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

It's good to hear your kids are cool even if you claim to have been a geek. I was the geeky kid in school, too and if I can wish for anything for my kids, its that they, at minimum, will not be like their dad was.

""Girls with tattoos..a tad wilder in the bedroom. Everybody knows that...."

I can verify that thanks to Mrs. Joe.

10:37 a.m.  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

Forget the blondes, girls with tattoos have more fun ;)

I'll jump on the wagon too, I'd love to do something like this, makes one think outside of the box a bit for a post. My email addie is in my profile.

Oh and, who doesn't love a comfy sweater when it's chilly, that snuggly feeling is the best

10:37 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

I guess I have rocks in my head, too!

I was so painfully uncool. In the interests of self-flagellation I am planning to share my prom picture soon.


12:04 p.m.  
Blogger schultzie said...

i'm a little bit scared of you but maybe that fear will be allayed if you pop me a few questions!

12:09 p.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

Loved the interview. I think you're too cool for school. And Dolly in the background didn't hurt, either (it's still playing). I want a vacation home in Tennessee near where Dolly grew up, but my husband hates the south so, sadly, I think that dream will go unfulfilled. Which is a little depressing, but not something that I won't get over eventually.

BTW, unless you use the same questions for everyone, you are in for a long stretch in front of the ol' computer monitor. I spent all yesterday afternoon coming up with my questions. But, fear was actually a lot of fun to try to come up with different, relevant questions for each person, and now to sit back and read the responses.

12:18 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Is it possible to love you any more than I already do? I may have to move to your God-forsaken part of Canada just so I can stalk you. And I know just how I'll do it. I'll leave a pizza just far enough outside your door and snap pictures of you with my high-powered camera.

C'mon bathrobe and fuzzy slippers!

The back zits were almost a deal breaker, though. Just keep them covered.

I can just see us now in Chi-town, getting drunk and singing Dolly songs. Yeehaw.

12:37 p.m.  
Blogger toyfoto said...

I can't believe you were shoved in a locker. I feel so connected to you now. I was folded like a taco and shoved in the trash. I needed help out.

2:26 p.m.  
Blogger sillychick said...

I was totally cool, but never mean to the geeks like you...I promise!
If I was, don't you think I would've revealed your name by now?

I'm up for an interview!

2:28 p.m.  
Anonymous SuburbanOblivion said...

Great answers Red!!

I dream of Tulipmom doing me, so what the hell ;)

2:43 p.m.  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

I'm brave and dumb and a recovering Band Geek, so I'm up to be interviewed. Alas, so far my kids aren't cool kids, but then again, they are young yet, so maybe they'll grow into it. I can hope.

2:44 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Great answers, uh, Redneck Eunice Mommy? Redneck Esperance Mommy? Redneck Eve Mommy?

I give up on names that start and end with E! Just throw me the darn questions, will you?

3:20 p.m.  
Blogger Bon said...

yep, Dolly would have been number ten on my list of seven from last week. she's so grandly, completely herself. and the sound of her voice makes me feel like i'm eight years old and back in my mom's kitchen drawing pictures at the table on a Saturday night with the radio on.

i'm guessing Elaine on the middle name. it is, at least, MY middle name...

and can we do the interview in that hot tub you invited me over to?

4:04 p.m.  
Blogger jen said...

I was never cool.

And the tongue hurt MUCH worse than the nose. (and lasted a shorter while) ah, youth.

4:23 p.m.  
Anonymous Jojo said...

I can't help but think that teal green was directed at me. I also am privy to your middle name but would never tell simply because I love you.

5:13 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Did I ever tell you I have two all-white kittens named Dolly Parton and Loretta Lynn? Dolly has brilliant blue eyes and Loretta has gold eyes. That's the only way we can tell them apart.

You a geek? Come on. We were ALL geeks as we were growing up. We only thought everybody else was too cool for words. I was so geeky that not even my older cousin would say hi to me in the hall at high school. I hated school and couldn't wait to graduate and leave town. Never ever wanted to go back there.

8:56 p.m.  
Blogger jenny said...

oh pick me as a new blogger and the fact that I'm in the UK?

I had my nose pierced once by a old guy in a jewellery shop who had no idea what he was doing, he used the normal ear piercing gun and left the earring back in the gun! It took two pairs of pliers to get the damn thing out, now that stung!

4:38 a.m.  
Blogger Wendy said...

I have always thought you were the coolest. I just wonder if you were ever socialize with the uncool. If so, then take a crack at me.

6:08 a.m.  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I couldn't leave my province for the same reason as you. Except replace 'Bug' with 'mom'.

When I was a kid there was this movie with Dolly Parton in it that I watched over and over and over again. It was a Christmas movie, I think, and somewhere along the line someone got thrown in jail and there were bad guys...that's all I can remember. It has bugged me for years that I can't think of the name of that movie, because honestly, I must have watched it 200 times.

I would have NEVER pegged you as a woman who wears angora sweaters. BLACK angora sweaters. I pictured you in burlap or potato sacs.

My mom always wanted to be a truck driver. She used to say if she lost her job she'd go to truck drivin' school. Reach for those stars, girl.

I'm DYING to know your middle name. You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine. Mine's a family name, too.

6:44 a.m.  
Anonymous Boo said...

Okay y'all, I'll give you a hint E---l--e. Hey hon I'm not say'n anything just giving some help. you already know that I love you. And so would NEVER take away my chances of getting lucky.
watch out for what you wish for with the interview people, she can be ruthless!
and she might bite if you ask!

7:44 a.m.  
Blogger slouching mom said...


Is that even a name?

Can't. stop. thinking. about. this.

9:24 a.m.  
Blogger jenny said...

lol, have added it to my blog! Its, cant wait, so glad to be picked..I should get out more...x

9:54 a.m.  
Blogger Maria said...

I have a theory that the best bloggers are the ones who were nerds. You gotta feel the pain to deliver the words with that kind of soul.

I was a Hermione Granger. I was in the smart girls group. The ones who tried out for cheerleader and never made it, the ones who got into all the colleges they applied for.

The ones who were compulsive rule followers until they realized how much smarter and more fun it was to break them.

And, yeah..flat as a frackin board....

12:35 p.m.  
Blogger Sugar Kane said...

I'd love to have an interview!

Email is

1:38 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

Geek as a kid. No underwear. Nipple rings. I learned so much in this one post! Very nice interview. got 2 million offers already..but if you are still doing interviews after you finish all those, add me to the list. LOL

2:59 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

You crack me up!
Great interview

11:22 p.m.  
Anonymous nutmeg said...

I'd give up a body part for an interview. (Trust me, you don't want the boobs.)

7:10 a.m.  
Blogger Queen Haline said...

You are just way too cool for school...

10:14 a.m.  
Anonymous daisydee said...

How did you end up with the middle name "Ebeneze"??

Please tell.

Yeah, I'm up there in the geek depo too...LOL.

11:39 a.m.  
Blogger jenny said...

I answered your questions!realy enjoyed that, thankyou!

If anyone would like me to interview them, come over to, now I have to think of some original questions!

1:05 p.m.  
Blogger Kelly said...

I'm not sure you could get any cooler, and tell me, from one gal with a tattoo to another who might want one, what is a great place to get a small tattoo?

(Outside the belly, of course, because that area has been shot to hell!)

2:53 p.m.  
Anonymous CrankMama said...

Darling, we're soul mates!!

I was SUCH a geek... only now am I even approaching cool.. but cool in an old babe way.. and who wants THAT?

6:00 p.m.  
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