Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Danger

***Updated Below***

Generally, when my darling hubs is out of town, our only communication tends to be the brief phone calls that occur when I wake up in the morning and when he wakes up in the late afternoon. Our conversations tend to consist of "How did you sleep?", "The kids are driving me batshit crazy!!!", "Did you see that hot Asian chick again today?", "How much did you spend on supper? You think we're made of money????" and my personal favorite, "Do you miss me?"

(Of course I miss you, darling. What between cleaning up dog shit, chasing after your kids and the tracks they like to make when ever they come through the door, trying to decide what to feed those children so they don't wilt away and ruin our chances at adopting a new one, keeping your family informed about your whereabouts, and generally just living the life of a single mother, I have nothing but time on my hands to jones for you, your smelly feet and the untold amounts of laundry that seem to follow you whenever you land on my door step.)

Yes, our phone calls are nothing, if not romantic. But the current job the hubs is busting his arse on, has a perk. (Besides the hot Asian chick he gets to ogle every day.)

He has Internet access.

While I like to tease him to stay off the porn sites, I know that he is much too tired to engage in that type of debauchery. Instead, before he crawls into bed to dream of the hot Asian chick his beautiful wife, he checks his email and reads my blog.

Understand, this is a big deal. My husband is not a reader. When he is home he likes to sit on the sofa next to the computer and have me narrate my posts when I've finished them. I read them aloud and wait for the typical eye-rolling that accompanies once I've finished.

(See what you taught your daughter Boo? She got that lovely trick from YOU.)

He has even taking to posting responses to some of my posts. So if you see a Boo in the comments, (you'll know it's him by his grammatical and spelling errors), say hello. He's watching you.

The other morning, just after I stumbled out of bed and pried my children out of their warm soft beds with a jarring "GOOD MORNING!!!" (uttered in a loud, annoying sing song voice) while flicking on their overhead lights, but before my morning cup of java, my husband called.

"I just read your post, love."

Yawn and stretch. "Good morning to you too, Boo. Which post would that be?"

"The one where you speak so eloquently about your vagina."

"You mean the one where I mention how it was torn and tattered by your lovely children -" Hurry up you two! You're gonna miss the bus, and if you think I'm driving you, you've got noodles for brains! "- That one? The one where I mention my monstrous hemorrhoid?"

"Ya, that one."

"You liked that, did you? I was particularly pleased with it myself."

"Um, no," he said dryly. "It was a little descriptive."

"Which part? The part about my vagina or the part about my hemorrhoid?" Now I'm confused and somewhat irritated and desperately needing my caffeine fix. Meanwhile, the children are arguing over how many scoops of sugar to dump over their cornflakes and my right eye has developed a sudden twitch.

"Both. It was a little graphic, don't you think?"

"Are you kidding me? Don't you remember what my vagina and ass-end looked like after I squeezed those suckers out? I thought I understated the truth!"

"You do realize my aunt and uncle read this blog!?"

"No, I didn't. Are you asking me to censor myself so you'll feel more comfortable when you read my work?" Un-freaking-believable! Of all the mornings for my damn coffee maker to take it's sweet ass time percolating my fix.

"Well, I don't want you to censor yourself, just maybe, not write so graphically. Or descriptively. Or mention your vagina, your boobs, or any part of your body that needs to be covered while out in public."

"Wait a second, are we talking about the uncle who asks if you need a pussy poultice whenever you get a boo boo?"

The kids are now arguing over who gets the last raspberry yogurt tube, Nixon the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. keeps jumping up on my leg, begging for attention and my fu*%king coffee still isn't ready.

"Yeah. Him."

"I'm going to pretend we didn't just have this conversation and you aren't going to mention censorship around me, ever again, before 8 am. Deal?" My tone is more than a little annoyed, and my children were almost blinded by the DANGER!!! sign flashing above my head.

My husband must have seen the light, so he quickly changed the subject.

"So do ya miss me?"





***My darling husband is mortified and flattered all at once that you all have taken the time to drop him a line in the comments. Try not to be too nice to him though. His head will swell up like some helium balloon and his ego is already monstrous.

Oh, and hello to his aunt and uncle if they're reading this. I love you!***

49 Comments:

Blogger Jean said...

Just too funny! Men~~

11:01 AM  
Blogger ECR said...

I think one of the only anatomical parts my husband would be worried about me discussing in my blog is the one dangling from his own body. Because he knows I'd...how do you say..."understate" it.

11:15 AM  
Blogger davy boy said...

Very funny... her cribchronicleness and I were having the same discussion a couple of days ago concerning her blog. I asked her if she realized that, on a good day, ten people might stop me with comments about the blog. The question becomes "is that an invasion of my privacy?" We decided that for us it isn't... I still think its a conversation that we all need to have ( i blog too )

Now, when i comes to vaginas on the other hand, I'm all for them! The desire of the average male to have the more graphic (and painful/damaging) parts of the reproductive process remain separate from their contemplation of compelling of sexy hot asian chicks is not one i support.

As for my 'dangling part' ecr... thats fine too.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Does this mean I have to censor my comments too? Shit.

Hi Boo!

I get the occasional stink eye from Mr. C after one post or another, too. Especially since his co-workers like to look over his shoulder when he's trying to read my blog at work. When I'm pissed off at him I take it out on him on my blog. I haven't done it in a while, but he's due.

12:31 PM  
Blogger deb said...

My husband likes to read mine as well and worries constantly, I'm sure that I will make some horrendous social gaff and our family will be disgraced forever. Because that one that just got out of jail and the other one that dropped out of high school and the last one that's handicapped, haven't made us social outcasts yet. There's still time for me to embarrass him. Me, you can't embarrass anymore.
When I was having my last baby, I had my feet up in the air, my yippee yahoo on display and a resident walks in, takes a look at me and says, "You look familiar." WTF!
Turns out he meant my face, I had worked with him in Calgary. So, it's hard to embarrass me.

12:38 PM  
Blogger jen said...

Dude. I am overcome with wanting to pretend I am a hot asian chick right now. Simply overcome.

I can't believe it took me this long to find you. Seriously. I really, really like it here.

12:55 PM  
Blogger jen said...

just saw your comment my way - you are going to blogher? oh my god. yes.

blonde w/ tats, huh? i pictured a brunette. i am multihued with piercings, but don't worry, i'll find you. rock on.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh mah word. I just about pee'd outside my litter box.

And you give the kidlets wedgies? wow. Tell working man that I'm coming over next time yer outta town. Tell him I'm a hot chinese dude with a bad haircut, but without the rrhoids.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

eeerrr... next time he's outta town.

I'll need directions.

1:37 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Certain things should be off limits before momma has her coffee.

Like that.

"Hello to Boo"!

Carrie

1:49 PM  
Anonymous SuburbanOblivion said...

Friggin hilarious!!

Hubby does not know my blog address and so far as I know has never actually seen it, but thats a blog post for another day.

1:52 PM  
Blogger kgirl said...

oh my god, i totally missed the vagina post.

and really, if you're allowed to write about him fantasizing about hot asian chicks, jumping you and farting, what's a little vajayjay between internet friends?

Hi Boo!

1:58 PM  
Blogger kgirl said...

uh, wait - what jen said - T, are you going? are you? are you?

1:59 PM  
Blogger slouching mom said...

My husband is so terrified of what might be on my blog that he won't even read it. HE HAS NEVER READ IT. On the one hand, that is just plain wrong. On the other hand, dare I say, it's the tiniest bit freeing.

2:43 PM  
Blogger jellyhead said...

I feel your pain in being (gently) chastised by Boo, especially before your morning coffee!

But look on the bright side - he is at least bothering to READ your blog! (unlike some of the other commenters' spouses; unlike my horrible husband who obviously finds my thoughts utterly uninteresting!!)

2:53 PM  
Blogger My float said...

Sample answer:

"Yes darling. I miss you. I also love you enough to stick a watermelon seed up your butt and wait around for nine months until it springs forth fully grown. THEN and only then will we talk about censorship."

Oh, hi Boo!

3:34 PM  
Anonymous the new girl said...

AAHHHAHAHAHAHA!
Pussy poultice! That's priceless. You are one funny M. Effer.

The Man thought that the 'bathroom reading' that I put up was 'too personal' lmao.

As if no one knows he craps.

what. ever.

(he doesn't follow me through the comments, so at your place I'm freeeee)

3:56 PM  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

Hey Boo!

If it makes you feel any better I've got a hemie that if I mooned ya and turned sideways, you'd think you were looking at the Rolling Stones logo.

Oh yeah, my wife has one too. We share things like that. so tell me about the hot Asian chick?

5:19 PM  
Blogger Teronni said...

Personally, I think that there are too few people blogging about their vaginas. If I ever come up with anything interesting to say about my own (and maybe even if I don't) I'll be sharing.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

I wish that Bing would read my blog. She says that she is too busy. Maybe if I were a hot asian chick....

And to be honest, I am sort of relieved that she doesn't read it because I can be deadly accurate and mean spirited when I am riled up. If she knew half of what I put in there, she would be mad as a hat.

I'm sure that Liv will read it when she is older and probably have copies to show to her shrink....

6:16 PM  
Blogger lisalou said...

Heck No! Don't you dare censor...

7:25 PM  
Blogger MamaMichelsBabies said...

Big Ug doesn't read mine, although he has read yours and is in fear of mine. He fears he pulls way to many dumbshit things to not be the center of every post I ever made. He'd be crushed if he realized how little I write about him hehe. Damn ego of his. Yep, it'd crush him. But, to give him credit, anytime he's ever had something irritating/depressing/stressful to tell me, he's woke me up with coffee made.

And hello Boo, how's the hot asian chick? ;)

7:43 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Errhhm...

Hi Boo!?!?

Let me introduce myself-
I'm Kim. Some call me KimmyK. Your lovely wife calls me horrible names. I think she's jealous of my dog, Dan. I'm not sure. Anyways, I've heard/read alot about you. I especially loved how you showed the kids how to clean. Ya think you could come down to Ohio y'know when you got some time off and show my kids how to do all that? Make sure you bring the wifey aka Fish with ya!
I'll leave the light on.

7:49 PM  
Blogger Mad Hatter said...

Lord, the way you write makes me miss Alberta. Don't know why. It just does. I read your writing and I am back on a highway driving south from Fort McLeod. Or doing something else Albertan like listening to Corb Lund in a smoky community centre somewhere in Bonnie Doon.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

Hey, Boo, she's a keeper. With or without the vagina talk.

8:10 PM  
Blogger dennis said...

so, where does one go to purchase a pussy poultice?

scratch that...probably not an entirely legal sale...

good going boo!

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Kate said...

Hi there Boo
I love this blog, sorry I spend most of my time lurking. Please don't censor it we would miss out on so much that makes you the person you are.
Oh and Toy Boy reads mine, but its never been anythin that would be ceonsorable anyhow.

11:34 PM  
Blogger jenny said...

whats a pussy poultice? Is it a culture gap going on here that I dont get everything you talk about?!?

Thankyou so much for your comment, yourself and the other 4 inspirers are the only ones to know about my blog so far, havnt told friends and family so still have the oppurtunity to write about them if I so wish!

3:34 AM  
Blogger jmvanwinkle said...

Hi Boo!

If you censored your posts, T...they wouldn't be near as funny! Your most detailed and overly descriptive posts are my favorite...so keep them coming!

6:04 AM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

"Wait a second, are we talking about the uncle who asks if you need a pussy poultice whenever you get a boo boo?"

Oh. My. GOD.

I am dying. DYING. (With laughter)

6:36 AM  
Blogger Bon said...

so now MY husband reads your blog too...and comments.

goodness.

nothing like turning these privacy issues around on us, huh? is nothing sacred?

why don't you send Boo over my way? i'll write about hot Asian chicks for a few weeks and not once mention my lady parts, since my inlaws read my blog too.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Bad Husband and I have these conversations ALL THE TIME. But I know that he secretly loves it when I get raw. Turns him on. OPK, baby. Means more sex.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Boo said...

Ok....Okay. I was just trying to impress on my lovely, beautifully tallented wife that more than just you wonderful people see this word play everyday.
I totally realize that you outwit me with words (but I'm better at math)and my spelling/grammer sucks.
But WOW GIRL. You still look frigg'n hot and you still totally turn heads. So I don't want people think'n that we are absolute redneck hillbilly trailer trash... even though we are but they just don't have to know. You know.
By the way thanks to everyone who sent comments my way. It just shows how special my love has become to all of you. I thankyou for this.
Oh! The 'pretty young asian chick'
is so freak'n hot!&!
Love you babe.
Boo

8:10 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

I'm not nearly as, ummm, SHARING as you are. But I absolutely love that you share. You are one funny lady, T. Tell Boo that anything that is censored on blog is also censored off blog. So no vagina might be a bit tricky for him to handle. *lol*

Hi Boo and Aunt and Uncle!

8:59 AM  
Blogger craziequeen said...

Hi Boo! Now, this English girl doesn't think you and T are hillbilly trailer trash.....[gets out English/American dictionary]
:-)

I've had people stop me at work and compliment me on my blog - luckily I don't post anatomical detail (lucky for them, that is!)...

Anyway, pleased to 'meet' you, Boo.
And T? Keep up the good work, girlfriend!!

cq

9:56 AM  
Anonymous TSM said...

I was JUST posting a comment about how I admire you women with big brass ones who say anything you want. Sadly, there are many things I cannot say on my blog. Mostly because I wouldn't say them in real life. But I think them, dammit! I do!!

10:37 AM  
Blogger stefanierj said...

Your posts about the more, ah, delicate matters in life have been some of the most instructive, dear. How else do you think I found out what "hummer" is a nickname for?

Because Boo, at least she *knows* what a hummer is, right?

11:44 AM  
Blogger BlogWhore said...

too funny. and thanks for all your kinds words.

p.s. i've got a new url.
mommiesarepeopletoo.blogspot.com

1:45 PM  
Anonymous kv said...

So um, what's a hummer?

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

This post cracks me the hell up, because it sounds exactly like me and my hubby discussing my blog posts (except I don't think I've been brave enough to post about my nether regions yet...) I totally know if my hubs were going off on a business trip he'd be scoping out all the hot asian chicks and telling me about it every night. ;-)

Thanks for stopping by my blog last week (sorry it took me so long to visit you -- but I'll be back!)

5:09 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Very funny. And no, don't dare censor yourself. I love your writing just the way it is.

So take that, Boo and Aunt and Uncle. :)

7:08 PM  
Blogger Firestarter5 said...

"While I like to tease him to stay off the porn sites, I know that he is much too tired to engage in that type of debauchery.."

Debauchery? Jeezus H, you redneck bible thumpin westerners. If the Guy needs some excellent porn links..tell him to pay me a visit...I have them all listed for him on the blog..right hand side, near the bottom :)

9:07 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

So far, so good... but, I think that perhaps my husband doesn't actually read my blog... just says he does!

9:20 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Did you have to use the term 'pussy poultice?' Because I just about blew my second cup of coffee all over the monitor here.

Funny friggin post, RM, and I just thank the lord that my FIL (though I love him dearly, he's a very private, very Catholic man) never reads my blog, because I do think an instant heart attack would be likely.

(And hi to Boo. We love your family and thrive on the graphic posts!)

8:45 AM  
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10:02 PM  
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12:37 PM  
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12:18 PM  
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5:30 AM  
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6:38 AM  

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