Saturday, April 15, 2006

Just Drown me in the Gravy, Please

With the big Easter celebration looming tomorrow, I am bracing myself against my family's habit of bringing up old memories and beating them to death like a dusty rug. Family dinners consist of turkey, ham and apple pie served with a side of smart remarks.

Is it my fault I have Spock shaped ears? And when I say this, I am being polite. My husband tells everyone I am part elven. My ears are so pointy that when I brought my daughter to the plastic surgeon to have her ears pinned back (they stuck out so much we almost lost her a few times when the wind picked up) the doctor offered to correct mine. My brother still insists on calling me Spock. I use to try to discourage this behavior by kneeing him in the groin, but as he is now freakishly tall, I can't reach that high.

Another favorite dinner torture topic will surely be the fact that I am the only blond in a sea of brunettes. Of course, I now pay good money to look like Jessica and Brittany, but as a younger, prettier version of myself, I was the only toe head around. Why my siblings find this amusing is beyond me. No, I am not the mailman's kid. The fact that I am (sadly) a spitting image of my grandfather should be clue enough. However, no one can accuse my family of brilliancy.

So while my brother and sister are trying to annoy me about my appearance, my husband is bound to jump on this bandwagon. Because to him, there is no such thing as the sanctity of marriage. He'll remind everyone, while sporting a big shit-eating grin about my freaky toes. Not only are they long, but they are so hairy I have them waxed. His flexible wife has monkey feet. All I need is a tail to make his fantasy complete.

Then of course, my father will chime in. He will go into great detail the time when I was 16 and decided to get myself an older boyfriend. Don't panic, dear internet, he was only 19. He was beautiful. Daddy was worried about my virtue one night (because apparently sitting on the front steps in front of a very large window with your parents watching every move you make will lead to amorous rounds of sex.) Dad decided to chase my beautiful beau off (literally) by calling him names and threatening to kill him. All while chasing him down the block wearing nothing but his tighty-whiteys. My dad, not my boyfriend. It was a proud moment. And I never heard from that beautiful chicken shit again.

Somewhere between pass the peas and the inevitable fight over the last bun, my mother will have to bring up the fact that I looked like the elephant girl for over a month when I walked behind a horse and startled it. I don't remember anything, but my mother likes to drag out pictures of my bruised and broken face to amuse the company.

My kids, being the traitors they are, will inevitably contribute their two cents. Nothing like sporting with Mommy's pride. They will likely bring up the fact that their mother has a name that should never be spoken. Not just a bad choice for a girl, but a hideous moniker that need never be uttered. This name is so bad that when I was 18 I tried to have it changed. The family uproar was so great I backed down, only after extracting promises from every family member never to speak this name again. My children however, like to shout it from the roof tops. I should have never given birth.

The entire time I am the family's whipping post, I will be calling them names in Japanese. And I know more than my share of wicked ones. Thank you Akiko. All the while, I will be slinging back the red wine. Because isn't that how everyone survives family celebrations?

My thanks to Her Bad Mother for tagging me to dig in to the dark recesses of my past and tell the blogosphere about six wildly uninteresting facts about myself. And yes, I do realize I posted seven. In for a penny, in for a pound. I'm off to brush up on my Japanese.

22 Comments:

Blogger kimbofo said...

Oh dear. Families. Don't you just love 'em?

If you ever want to learn some good Aussie put downs let me know!

PS> Michele sent me.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Goodbye Mes Amis said...

Great post! Do they tease anyone else too? No family dinners for me this Easter - perhaps coffee with Dad latter this afternoon.
Happy Easter!
Here from Michele's.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Goodbye Mes Amis said...

later

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Kristen said...

HAHAHA.

I don't know much in Japanese - just polite things.

11:46 AM  
Blogger kenju said...

Very funny! Makes me glad I am not "doing" Easter this year.

Thanks for the visit earlier.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Marisa said...

So, Michele sent me your way today. Hilarious post (funny b/c it's true?) -- now I understand more why my dad gets so upset at family gatherings. Maybe I'll go easy on him this year

1:02 PM  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

UGH! Family dinners can be very hard on the Waistline...I always found I ate more then I should just so I wouldn't fight with anyone...!
I hope Easter dinner is not as bad as it's been in the past. Another glass of Wine, perhaps? (lol)

Thanks for stopping by my blog...
I am adding you to me Blogroll thingy...Hope that's okay!

1:05 PM  
Blogger margalit said...

THat's why I never go home. I'm the butt of my family's jokes, too. I know how horrible it feels. My learning arabic putdowns helped me somewhat, but still, what I really want to say to them is "Shut the fuck up and look in the mirror, asshole."

Here via Michele

1:51 PM  
Blogger My float said...

Oh how true! My mother pulls out our baby stories from 30 years ago to "compete" with everyone else's stories about their own babies. Who are babies now!

Eg. Mia is teething, someone might say.

Oh yes, my mother says authoritatively. Chris went through so much with his teeth...and then she launches into a well-told tale about my brother swallowing his own tooth - 40 years ago!

Thanks for visiting me today. I love your stories!

2:25 PM  
Blogger craziequeen said...

Hey T - I think you're beautiful :-))

And you have also perfectly illustrated why our family don't HAVE family celebrations!!

Happy Easter anyway!

cq

3:13 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Laughing. Ass. Off.

That image of your dad? Worth the loss of all the beautiful boys in paradise.

Lifting a glass to you...

3:45 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

God, you just reminded me why I moved away from my family. Thank you, because I was starting to forget.

What is this name of which you speak? I am so curious now ...

8:45 PM  
Blogger se7en said...

Very funny! I'm going to be hating tomorrow myownself. Yeah, visiting the relatives and Easter dinner, but I think I'm a bit too old to run away from home... soooo... bleah!

9:16 PM  
Blogger jellyhead said...

Well, phew, you have a few minor physical imperfections. You look so gorgeous in your photos, I was begnning to feel a bit intimidated.

But doesn't everyone have hair on their toes? Or am I just your long-lost monkey sister?!

Happy Easter, T!

9:20 PM  
Blogger deputyswife said...

Here from Michele's!

Very funny post. Must be their quirky way of showing their love!

11:41 PM  
Blogger shpprgrl said...

Hope your day tomorrow goes well. It definitely sounds like you've been there done that.... And I'm doing the same tomorrow too. Hey thanks for visiting me! I agree, it's great to know there are still some rocker chicks out there! Happy Easter and....keep the faith!

11:53 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Fun said...

and this is one reason i enjoy living 5 hours away frm such family memebers.

Happy Easter.
here via Micheles :)

11:57 PM  
Blogger craziequeen said...

hi again, T. Thank you for the comment on my blog (Moral Dilemma).

I have looked after a lot of children in my life, and spent a fair amount of it in children's wards, which is why that was the first place I thought of.

[hugs]

cq

3:07 AM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

What's the name? I have to know what the name is or I'll never sleep again. Do you want to be responsible for that? Do you?

7:37 AM  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Funny, funny, funny...Sad but true.

4:02 AM  
Blogger Binky said...

Loved this! It's the most creative and interesting crafting of a meme I've seen yet. It's nice to know there are other people out there going to desperate lengths to rid themselves of toe hair.

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where did you find it? Interesting read » » »

12:59 PM  

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