Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Casualties of War

I've had it up to my eyeballs with sibling rivalry and I don't know what to do. No, no, dear internet, not Fric and Frac. No, they love each other. I'm talking about my other children. You know, my dog and my cat. That's right, dear internet, I have a cat. I don't often speak of her, for reasons I will post in the future, but she exists. Her name is Fanny. Fanny dislikes Nixon. Nixon looooooves Fanny. See the problem here? Every time I let my beloved Nixon out to pee, my beloved Fanny beats the crap out of him.

Really, it was cute at first. Ever see a cat box? Fanny could win a championship belt, she does it so well. But now I worry that her claws are going to get one of Nixon's buggy out eyes and leave me with a one-eyed, slobbering mess. How gross is that image?

And to really make matters worse, Fanny has decided to dedicate herself to me. Every where I go, Fanny goes to. Ever try to dig potatoes with a cat winding around your legs? Good times.

And then there are the presents she leaves me. Yummy. This morning I found a dead bird (minus a head) waiting for me on the deck. Yesterday, she brought me a mole. Or vole. Something large and hairy and weasel like. Yuck. Worse yet was the time she eagerly dropped a dead baby rabbit onto my lap. Picture me screaming like a pansy and running away like a thoroughbred out of a gate.

I've tried to convince her I still love her. I bring her treats, I cuddle, I even refer to Nixon as "that Stupid dog" when she's around. (But really dear internet, he is the World's Greatest Dog. Ever.) But my words must be ringing false to her.

Because she is still leaving disembowelled mice all over my sidewalk. Picture me struggling to carry the infant carrier (stuffed with the fattest baby this family has ever seen), a knapsack my sister likes to call a diaper bag, a thermos bag carrying a day's worth of formula and baby mush, the bouncy seat that my devil boy nephew insists on sitting in, my keys, and a cup of coffee, all at once. Because I don't want to have to make two trips to the car. So, as I pack all of this up my sidewalk, I have a cat winding around my legs. And then I hear a crunch.

You betcha. I managed to step on a mouse head. A few steps later, I will slip. Because I managed to step on another mouse's entrails. I may or may not make it to my house intact. I will however, be bringing in several mice worth of DNA on the bottom of my shoe. Every damn time.

Getting to and from my house now entails a game of hopscotch. Complete with mouse parts.

It's always fun and games around here.

I'm beginning to get a rather scary reputation around my neighborhood. Kids who come over to play with my kids are now referring to our place as "the one with all dead animals."

My sister carries a small stick to push the carcasses aside, so as not to step on them.

Meanwhile, my beloved Fanny continues to preen and beat the living day lights out of Nixon.

And so, I suppose I will have to resign myself to telling visitors to watch where they step.

You never know what that crunch will be.


Blogger kimmyk said...

Oh that's gross, but he's a good hunter.

Poor poor Nixon. Maybe you need to get another dog for Nixon to play with? Yeah, there you go.

Just call me the problem solver.

12:03 p.m.  
Anonymous Robbi said...

first let me just say how GLAD i am that you are back! i was getting so worried...
second, your dog is the cutest thing ever and i am so jealous because i wanted a boston terrier for the longest time. instead i got stuck with a very unintelligent pitbull.
it is the same in our house. the dog chases the cats trying to play, and then whines pathetically when they run away out of reach. that is too hilarious that your cat actually beats your dog up though. although like you said, i hope the claws dont ever hurt him!
also, in response to your last post, i think that is amazing. you are such a good person and i am so inspired by you.
oh and yeah.. i used to have my nipples pierced too ;P

2:15 p.m.  
Blogger great dane addict said...

Oh this is not near gross as one of my dog's killing a deer. Yep a deer. A big full grown Doe.

Yep, I don't have a cat, but I still get to see dead animals.

Big ones.

And my other Dane killed a baby bunny and ripped all it's fur off it's body. (My pet bunnies were horrified - good thing the dogs can't get in their room!)

So your kinda screwed either way, dog or cat. They all have prey drives. The size of prey only depends on the size of the hunter.


2:16 p.m.  
Blogger Softball Slut said...

Cats bring you kills when they love you. they are showing you how much they love you. they just do it in a different way than humans. It's gross but your cat really really likes you.
My cat and dog get along great. They sleep together and it's really cute. and my dog puts my cat's whole head in her mouth as we scream at her. But she has never hurt her.

4:02 p.m.  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Gross. Cats suck, that's all there is to it. But, having seen a Boston with one eye, I can tell you it doesn't really add to their appeal.

4:20 p.m.  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Fanny is definitely a keeper cat...she's a real huntress. Probably keeps all the mice out of your house. The cat brings you these dead animals because it loves you. Notice that she always leaves them where you will trip over them, not hidden away somewhere. They are meant as gifts to you.

Fanny will eventually get used to Nixon as long as he's afraid of her maybe he'll learn to stay at least out of her reach. And Fanny will also see that he is not a threat to her and they will get along...eventually.

Nixon will not ever hurt the cat if he sees that you like it and pet it.
I don't know how to make the cat leave Nixon alone though...they have a mind of their own.

5:35 p.m.  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Another bunch of reasons to never let my cat out of the house---beside the MAIN reason...Cayote's will get him the way your cat gets all the little creatures she manages to snare---Truly Gross, isn't it? And, on top of that she gives poor Nixon such a hard hard time! A true dilemma, when you love them both...

6:23 p.m.  
Anonymous Kristen said...

My dad's cats bring him LIVE animals- you can imagine how much fun it is for my dad to have to wait for the cats to decide it's time to bring the mice and live birds back outside. LOL.

P.S. I LOOOOVE Nixon! So cuuuute!

10:06 p.m.  
Blogger Daisydee said...

Cats a grody!! Atleast she hunts and it good for something.

It's good that you don't have to listen to your cat and dog argue.

10:25 p.m.  
Blogger creative-Type Dad (Tony) said...

OMG!! That's crazy.

and "great dane addict" too...I've never heard of a dog kiloing a deer.

11:25 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Fanny is the Alpha Cat, the leader of the pack and she's going to show Nixon who's boss. Your poor, sweet little doggy will have to learn to stay out of her way.

Husband came into the computer room a few minutes ago and said that my orange cat just brought in a live mouse and released it in the living room. So now we have to contend with either finding the body or a bloody mess on our kitchen floor -- AGAIN. Husband just washed the floor because she did the same thing yesterday. I don't know if she loves me -- she just likes to kill small animals and bring them into the house.

Your cat loves you, yeah, but she's just being feral. Pure instinct. I'm always finding body parts in the house, on the deck, on the driveway, and on the sidewalk. Not nice to walk barefoot around here. Never know when those entrails will squish between the toes.

1:28 a.m.  
Anonymous Jojo said...

My husband delightly informed me that my beloved cat caught and killed a hummingbird, knowing how much I love hummingbirds. I seriously considered a funeral but my husband had already disposed of the body in the green bin. Then, a week later I mentioned I was going out to fill the hummingbird feeders, and being the wise arse he is wanted to know if we were out of cat food. Hopefully Fanny won't bring anything around that you really like. You could sic him on the neighbour's dog! P.S. Next time you see your sister, hit her with her small stick and tell her it's from me!!

7:01 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

Awww ... it's cute?
Fanny wants your lurve, baby!

But it's about that rep you're getting ... you animal killer you.

So yeah, catch a flight to Pearson, and then hop on my flight to Vegas. 5am. Be there.


9:11 a.m.  
Blogger Denice said...

About three months ago, our cat caught a gopher but hadn't quite killed it yet, then proceeded to bring it into the house and straight to his food dish. Gopher got free and managed to find a little hole underneath the kitchen cupboards, and we had to drill holes into our cupboards underneath the sink and send our cat in to get it. After that, I'd take dead animals outside any day!

11:05 a.m.  

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