Monday, September 11, 2006

It Would Appear I Have Some 'Splaining To Do...

First off, any one who is looking for some funny, you might want to keep on looking. Come back tomorrow. I have some goodies I have been saving.

That said, I offer my apologies for my absence for the blogosphere. You see...

Once upon a time, I was a woman with yellow and brown hair, who had stripey lines on her face and saggy boobs (all thanks to her darling children) who was extremely happy. I had the man of my dreams and the three best kids in the world. And then one night, suddenly, my youngest baby died. No explanation, no preparation. Just 'Poof!'

We grieved. We cried, we hugged, we tried to heal. And on the surface, that is exactly what was happening. My husband was doing his best at coping and my kids bounced along like little rubber balls. I began to use my computer to make new friends and try to remember the joy I once felt. I knew I couldn't be swallowed by the darkness that threatened to pull me under every day.

So I blogged, and read other blogs, and I gardened. I poked holes in my nose and painted my backside with a memorial. I ran. I did everything except mop the floor. (Really. I would beg my girlfriend to come and do it for me. I hate mopping.) The one thing I didn't do was let go of my baby.

Then school let out and my children were around every day. Wanting to do the things they did last summer with their baby brother. And it became too much for me. You see, I am an outdoorsy type of gal. Which meant my kids are outdoorsy types of children. Even the handicapped ones. But it seems that I hadn't made peace with my twenty acre paradise. Every where I looked I have memories of the Shalebug. And it overwhelmed me.

I had a mini breakdown. I screamed and cried and railed against the world. I pounded on my husband's chest with my fists so that he could feel the pain that was tearing my soul apart. I am ashamed that I treated him so poorly. That I diminished his grief just because he was actually coping better than I was. That night no one slept. The kids cried and Boo and I cried.

The next morning I went to see a therapist. I couldn't behave this way and help my kids. I couldn't behave this way and expect my husband to stand by my side. Or not kill me. So I sought help. Which was the hardest thing I have done since I buried the little guy and walked away from him for the final time.

Things got better, but I became overwhelmed at the idea of blogging. I avoided my blog like the plague. I didn't check the mail, nor did I read any other blogs. I felt guilty that I abandoned you dear internet, but at the same time I just didn't have the energy to come back to you.

Not only did I let blogging go, but I let my garden go. Funny the two most important hobbies I have, writing and gardening, I just couldn't face. My poor garden looks like a jungle. The upside to it, is the moose are very happy with me.

Along the way, other things happened. The dreaded bridesmaid dress was worn. Shudder I survived. I managed to mend fences with my parents. I lost a friend and found a new one. I pulled my family close around me and tried to enjoy the life I have been granted.

And I grew stronger. Don't get me wrong. I still feel the pain of his death like it is a chain being yanked around my neck. I still wonder if I will ever really feel joy without feeling guilt. Without wishing he was with me. And I know hard times lay ahead. His one year anniversary is right around the corner. But now I can sit down and smile. Flex my fingers and find my funny.

Imagine my surprise, when last night on a whim, I decided to check out my mail. Over a hundred messages awaited me. And only five were junk mail. I just about fainted. I absolutely did not realize any one would even miss me. Ironically, I get more hits when I don't blog than when I do....I'm trying not to look too deep into that.

If you will still have me dear internet, I am back. I'm lurking about, doing my best to take it one day at a time. Please don't be offended if I don't comment regularly or at all, just know that I'm here. Living and breathing. Surviving. And now, blogging.

I promise not to go away with out letting any one know that I am okay.

And if something happens to me that prevents me from blogging, I promise to have Boo peck out a message with his two hammy fingers to let you all know what's up.

37 Comments:

Blogger ECR said...

Welcome back. I hope your garden will flourish again, too. The mooses' loss is everyone else's gain.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

I can't imagine the pain you've had to endure. You have my deepest sympathies. I'm glad to hear that you have started to heal (and I realize it's only a start). Welcome back!

Andrew
To Love, Honor and Dismay

1:14 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

T, I'm so glad you're back. You were missed. And please don't feel badly about leaving. You did what you needed to do. We understand.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Lindsay said...

I am so glad you are back! I still would check your blog almost weekly to see if I missed something. I have to say that I am so proud of you for taking care of YOU! Sometimes it just has to be done.... I really hope that you are able to find peace within yourself.. adn trust me You have more cyber friends then I am sure youwill know what to do with!

1:39 PM  
Blogger Mary-LUE said...

Thank you for sharing about your blog absence. I hope the next months will go as well as can be expected. I know I will be praying for you as the anniversary nears.

In the meantime, I will be looking forward to the funny!

2:46 PM  
Blogger NeverEnough said...

I can't imagine and I'm soooo sorry...

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Mother said...

Hooray. You made my day when I saw "redneck mommy" in my comments.

Welcome back. Just glad you're hanging in there.

Of course we understand, but damn we missed you, kid.

4:07 PM  
Blogger jellyhead said...

T,

I am not at all surprised at the volume of your mail. People are drawn to you, and to what you have to say. I, for one, kept coming back to your blog, hoping every day that there would be a sign you were not gone forever.

In an odd, internet way, we are all here for you - wishing you ever better days.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Old MD Girl said...

Welcome back. I missed your take on the world. I'm glad you're feeling better.

5:40 PM  
Blogger craziequeen said...

Oh T darling........I was wondering where you were....

[[[[[hugs]]]]]

nothing I can say can ease the pain, but you will always be my Redneck Mommy.....

cq

5:40 PM  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

That sound you hear is the collective sigh of relief from those of us out in the ethernet upon reading your latest two posts.

We have all been hoping and praying that you were alright and now we know that you are still with us.

We are glad you are back and we are glad you have had some positive changes in your life. Please know that all of us are here to support you.

Here's a big huge motherkitty hug for you.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I was more of a lurker than a commenter but I'll come out of my hiding place to tell you that I'm glad you're back. You were missed.

6:54 PM  
Blogger J. said...

Totally understandable. Sometimes, the why of it is just too painful to put into words. Or not even forthcoming.
Turning your back is something we all do at some point chicklet.
I'm just glad you're okay. Or somewhat okay.
xoxoxoxo

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Petite Mommy said...

I'm so glad you are back. You have been in my thoughts and I have checked your blog frequently. I cannot imagine what you have been through or how you feel but I'm glad you are getting better. Hugs to you and a very welcome back! :)

9:14 PM  
Blogger TUFFENUF said...

I was scared that you were gone forever before I got a chance to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I am so glad that you are back. You have had so much pain to deal with. I wish you luck in finding peace and happiness.

9:14 PM  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

I'm glad you're back, and I hope you don't feel like you always have to be funny on your blog. I'd much prefer you just be however you are, whether that means posting or not. I'd pretty much figured you were gone due to the reasons you mentioned, and I'm just glad to know you're still out there. If you still need time to yourself, we'll understand. We just wanted to know you were there...somewhere. Dunno if this makes sense, but it does to me. :)

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Last Girl On Earth said...

This is a beautiful post RM. You are a very brave woman, and us bloggers are here for when you need us. Welcome back.

11:59 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Welcome back...

I missed your crazy ass.

4:17 AM  
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Another lurker peaking her head out to say you were missed and we are so glad you are back.

7:44 AM  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

T...I also have checked your site often to see if you were back and I'm glad that you have taken measures to help yourself along with the deep sorrow of losing shalebug. I have been very concerned about you and also concerned about my grandson & wife whose 1 year anniversary is also coming up in Oct. after suddenly losing their 2 yrs. old daughter. Forgive me for bringing this up, but your lives have paralleled each other for the last year...and they aren't doing so good either. She is overwhelmed with guilt also.

I'm glad that you are back, I was very worried about your well being.

Sending hugs, love & prayers your way,
Sandy

8:14 AM  
Blogger Softball Slut said...

We are of course still here. We will wait patiently for you to get your voice back. And your garden can be taken one step at a time, as can your blog. We are just glad to have you back.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Fidget said...

Sometimes we have to check out for awhile to find a way back into our own lives. I'm glad yu are starting to find your way. We will be here to hold your hand when you need it. Anniversaries are hard

9:28 AM  
Anonymous urbanmom said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. Welcome back.

10:08 AM  
Blogger K said...

Welcome back. I am so glad that you are OK.

12:35 PM  
Blogger ~*~ D ~*~ said...

I am glad you are back and lurking, I've missed you!

Hugs to you,
Di

2:03 PM  
Blogger Thumper said...

Selfishly, the only thing that kinda matters is that you're all right, and now we know you're still out there.

I wish you hadn't had to go through that, but hell, you're entitled. No one should have to go through that kind of loss, and really, we're not entitled to an explanation...but I appreciate that you did, and I'm glad you're back.

3:13 PM  
Anonymous Xangelle said...

YAH! You're back! Good to her that you're taking care of yourself - it's so important, and often overlooked!

4:40 PM  
Blogger Crazedmomof4 said...

Glad you're back! Just take your time & do what ya gotta do!

8:03 PM  
Blogger Lillithmother said...

I find myself here through Mommymatic's list...I don't want to be a lurker after reading your last post. I may not know the whole story, being a 'newbie' et all, but being a mother I can very well imagine the emptiness you must feel with your wee one gone, and the courage it must take to try to live since that day. Just wanted to let you know that there is another blogger (aleit a stranger to you)touched by you and your family's story, and that I too will keep you all in my prayers.

Lil

9:09 PM  
Blogger dennis said...

Welcome back!

10:08 PM  
Blogger Jozet said...

Welcome, welcome back.

We understand.

Many gentle hugs.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Wow!!!
what a lot you said in one post!!
Sandy (AIP) directed me here...you sound like one interesting lady to me and I'm going to bookmark your site...my health has not been up to par lately and it gets you in the dumps for sure!! It is very tempting to give up blogging when you are too weak to care! I am striving for more balance in my visitation, but just doing a little at a time for now! It is amazing to me how close you can become to others through this medium and how they can grow to care about you and follow you regardless of whether you post or not...they've got your email...honey, you are gonna get lots of support through emails or e-cards, sometimes calls if they have your phone number....I've decided to wrap this support around myself...we all need one another whether we know it or not...even if only through a blog!
(((hugs!!!)))

9:57 AM  
Blogger mad_hatter said...

Welcome back and, as Charlotte said to Wilbur, "chin up!" I can't even imagine the road you have had to walk. I only hope that your writing and this new, widely dispersed community, can help a little.

7:37 AM  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

So glad you were able to share with us what happened and where you have been....and though I am sure this has been a very very hard and difficult time---I'm so glad you are alive and "well" (you know what I mean, I hope) and still with us, my dear, pain and all...WE all must do what we have to, to get through this life and terrible painful things that can and do happen....I send you BIG Hugs, T, and know you were truly truly missed...And that's why I am so happy you are back!

6:12 PM  
Blogger stefanierj said...

I've already confessed to actually trying to find your phone number up there in the great expanse of the 51st state, so you know how much I missed you. I guess all I can say is GLAD YOU'RE BACK, BABY!

9:44 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Just catching up on blogs and SO surprised and happy to see yours pinged my RSS reader!

No expectations from you except that you're healing and finding peace. A huge, heartfelt, welcome back. So glad you're doing better.

6:41 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

T. I'm so sorry. And I totally understand why you had to go on hiatus. My husband's best friend lost their daughter unexpectedly a few years ago and we've been with them through all of that- I've learned that you never know when the grief's going to hit you, and I hope you don't feel like you need to make apologies for it. Anyway, I'm glad you're back.

3:14 PM  

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