Thursday, September 21, 2006

The Gift That Will Keep on Giving

My darling Boo has been gone for more than two months. I have seen him twice in that time. It's been a long, dry spell, for this Mommy, if you catch my meaning. Wink, Wink. Really, to all you wives of soldiers or really, to any wife whose husband is gone for extended absences, I applaud you. Because this ain't easy. Besides the fact that I'm missing my husband, I am the sole parent. My kids see this, acknowledge this, then go to their bedrooms and have a powwow to discuss the many ways they can slowly drive their mother into a drooling, rocking shell of a human. They're like little hyenas, circling their prey, laughing all the while.

My darling Boo, says I can handle it. That, dear internet, is because the bastard doesn't have to deal with his offspring. If I have to listen to any more arguments over who didn't flush the damn toilet, who stole my pencil crayon (heaven forbid they need that exact one, when there are literally hundreds more) or whose turn it is to wash the dishes, I'm gonna go kamikaze on their asses. Just so you know.

Then there are my inlaws. I love these people dearly. Really, I do. (My mantra, I'll just keep repeating it.) But why should I have to deal with my darling's mother if he won't? Why do I have to explain, over and over again when Boo will be home. Phone them your damn self, dear husband.

But alas, I know I do all this, because I'm a sucker I love him. And it is this passionate love that I have for him that drove me to a moment of insanity. I thought I was being cute, I thought I was being a good wife.

What did I do? Why, thanks for asking, dear internet. I actually posed naked for pictures to my goon.

Not Hustler pics, no,no. I wouldn't want to scare the poor man. Or make him cry. No, these were tasteful nudies. Black and whites, taken with all the skill and patience I have acquired as my years of a journalist.

Read: A lot of fucking swearing and cursing, repositioning so a tit doesn't hang out, and the kids knocking at the bedroom door, wondering what's going on to make mommy so angry.

Hours later, and every single muscle in my body limp with exhaustion, I had the final product. So I sent the package up North with cookies, and a love letter and eagerly awaited his response. All the while, feeling immensely proud of myself. I had gotten past my low self esteem and did something nice for my hubby. Something tasteful that I could be proud of.

My darling hubs got his package. He ate his cookies. He carried on. No response. Days later, I asked him if he received anything special.

He chuckled, and then said thanks. Oh, and the cookies were good, he replied.

The fucking cookies?? Slowly, I exhaled, and bite my tongue. I asked him if he liked the pics. (Bastard's already in the dog house. He looses points for making me ask about the damn photos.)

He chuckles again, says they were NICE. Oh, yeah, and thanks. Could I send him any more of those cookies?

As the steam is pouring out of my ears, I asked him what he thought of the photos where I twisted and contorted my naked body for hours so that I could give him beautiful, tasteful pictures of me for him to enjoy.

"Oh, you looked real pretty in all of them. But I couldn't see anything good."

"That's why they are tasteful Boo. You get a hint of what is there, and you are supposed to use your imagination." I reply.

"Well, it would have been easier if you just gave me a money shot."

And that dear internet, is the romance I share with my husband.

And just so you know, I didn't take the money shot. I sent him a Hustler mag instead. Pervert.


Blogger Fidget said...

DH has a whole jump drive of money shots

its teh only thing keeping him off me during this whole doctor perscribe pelvic rest crap. I on the other hand am about to freaking EXPLODE...

9:50 a.m.  
Blogger Lillithmother said...

LOL! At least you keep your sense of humor about it RM!

11:23 a.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

Now I'm wondering what the hell my own mother was doing behind the locked bedroom door all those years I was growing up. And I'm not liking the possibilities.

11:25 a.m.  
Blogger bubandpie said...

Picking. up. jaw. off. the. floor.

These bad hubbies!

1:56 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

When he comes home and expecting some 'action', give him a biiig plate of cookies and say "Enjoy".

3:34 p.m.  
Blogger Gette said...

After Hubs comes home from the road, and Redneck Mommy has had all her *needs* met, she needs to take (at least!)a two week vacation to anywhere ALL BY HERSELF while HUBS watches the kids. No fair asking inlaws for help.

6:40 p.m.  
Blogger jellyhead said...

I love "my float"s idea!! - sheer genius.

Serve the cookies, I dare you!

7:44 p.m.  
Blogger Mom101 said...

If the rest of you looks anything like that little bit of back we've seen, I'd say they were better than nice.

Stupid men, going about porn different than we do. What's wrong with them? Don't they know we're right and they're cretins?

8:40 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was that money or monkey?

Sorry, I couldn't stop myself.

P.S. It's great to see you back.

8:47 p.m.  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

I'd kill my husband if he reacted that way. So that's why you're a better person than I am. Seriously. Talk about going kamikaze on someone's ass. I'll show you kamikaze.

11:01 p.m.  
Blogger carrie said...

You are too hilarious, and probably the talk of all your husbands co-workers "Dude, did you see what HIS wife sent, a Hustler!! He is the luckiest guy on the planet AND she bakes cookies!"


1:17 a.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

I think I would have driven north to pummel him myself.

(I read your 'Crossroads and Choices' post was beautiful.)

6:19 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Men. Can't live with them, can't shoot them.

7:35 a.m.  
Anonymous Rose said...

I don't think that I'd be as calm as you and I most certainly would not of send him a hustler mag. LOL I would of send him playgirl. :)

5:59 p.m.  
Blogger Emily said...

Just be glad he didn't send you a 'money shot....

Coming from a woman's who spends most of her marriage with dear husband away, while I am at home amusing(read that as "trying not to kill")the kids I know what it is like to attempt such a photo shoot....make sure you tell him you do not want a return on the don't do "tasteful".

11:14 p.m.  
Anonymous Jojo said...

Oh my, I used to be the wild one. I am now waving a white flag to you Redneck Mommy, the tatooed, pierced naked picture lady. I guess Boo's brother was wrong all those years ago eh?

3:05 p.m.  
Blogger BAT Program said...

BOO!! Are you afraid you’re family is not ready for Halloween? Still need costumes and candy? No problem! Just click on the following to Find great deals on Halloween at !

10:30 a.m.  

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