Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

Once a year I have to bite the bullet and do what most women dread. No, not go visit the gynie, (however, there is an appointment scheduled next week, so be sure to look forward to that post) but to wander to the nearest mall in search of the illusive blue jean. Ladies, you know the one I'm talking about. The search for a pair of jeans that accentuates your curves, gives you a butt or takes it away, doesn't make you look like a peg legged freak or some woman wandering around on her short little stumps. A pair of jeans that actually, gasp, flatters your body.

It's kind of like winning the damn lottery. Darn near impossible with odds I wouldn't bet my life savings on.

I have a few rules when it comes to my quest for the perfect fit. First off, I recognize I have given birth to three very large babies. Which means I have a nice roll around my midsection of loose, hanging flesh which I affectionately call my "Jelly roll." It doesn't matter how skinny a woman is, once she's been stretched to the limit a few times, she better include that excess skin in her self-esteem definition. Because short of paying someone to carve it off, it ain't going anywhere.

So no muffin top. I don't want to be hanging out in any direction. And while my hubs might like the crack of my ass, I don't think it necessary to show it off to the folks at the nearest grocery store. Or to any one else.

That effectively rules out low-riding jeans. But to my dismay, my choices were limited to either the low-riding, sausage-making jeans and those back-from-the-past, dreaded skinny jeans. Someone is having a good giggle at my expense some where.

(Don't even get me started on stretchy denim, either. Because you know that those suckers are gonna slide down and you are constantly going to be hiking them up. Oh, you'll try to do it discreetly, but you know that cute bag boy is gonna see you do it. As will the haughty rich bitch who you have an unspoken rivalry with and your school principal. Both of whom you will have to face at the next parent council meeting, while trying to ignore the fact that your jeans are slowly falling south.)

I felt like I was in a really bad episode of Punked and I was just waiting for Mr. Kutcher to point and laugh and tell me where the camera's were. That is, if I was famous...

I just want to know who the hell thought it would be a good idea to bring back the fucking skinny jeans, or drainpipes as the sales girl kept referring to them. I'm a fairly slim chicky, and let me tell you, those damn jeans added thirty pounds and shortened me by four inches. My self-esteem will never be the same again. Those puppies may look good on models like Miss Moss, but really, I don't have enough money to snort the amount of cocaine needed to get thin enough to look good in those damn jeans.

And to add insult to injury, the stores all want an obscene amount of money so you can wander around with your muffin top, or your delusions-of-grandeur skinny jeans, so people can point and snicker and whip out their camera phones to post pictures of you and your denim dreams on their blog.

Good times, dear internet. Good times.

The only saving grace to the day, was towing my best friend along with me.

Did I mention she is five months pregnant?

Trust me, any jean looks great next to the dreaded pregnancy jeans. I really had nothing to complain about.

Watching her try to stuff herself into those puppies, especially the ones with the elastic front panels, really made me feel a bit better about my choices.

After all, what good is having a pregnant best friend if you can't occasionally step on them to boost your own self-esteem once in a while?

For all you raging, hormonal blog friends of mine, don't worry, she got the last laugh. We went bra shopping after. And her swelling mammaries shamed my non-existent, sagging A-cup beaver tails....


As a salve to my wounded spirit, it was my delight to discover that the incomparable Mrs. Chicky has made Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog. Ever. her doggie of the week on her other great blog.

So, I'm urging you to wander over there, take a look at my darling pup, and read about my hairy, little beast.

We are one step closer in global domination...


Blogger Tarun. said...

Heya Red Neck ,,,
Just luved your blog ... hilarious ...
If I way I suggest u change the colour of the text of your blog as it is tough to read, picking up dark color fonts on a dark back ground is easier said then done.


9:34 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Trust me, I am 5'1" and have THE hardest time finding a pair of jeans to fit. I wear the low riders and if my ass falls out the back of my pants well consider that a little extra bonus for the ones behind me. Fuck them. They can't see my face. Just me and my big girl ass...it's hard to get all this into a pair of jeans.

9:54 a.m.  
Blogger EmmaSometimes said...

Sweet holy pancakes!! You crack me up.

Skinny jeans are a work of the devil. I SO know what you are talking about. I am tall but unless you have freaking pencil legs, like most of us do in our Victoria Secret, porcelain skin, clean house, McDreamy world. The man (and it had to have been a man) that brought these back should be shot. WOMEN have curves! Oprah's website has the best little advice column for buying jeans on her site.

Okay, so how big were your babies? Mine were 9.2, 9.3, 9.12 and 8.14. The first two, no drugs and the second two were breech c-section...thank goodness, because they had ENORMOUS heads. hehe.

10:16 a.m.  
Blogger Kristen said...

I know what you mean about the skinny jeans. It must be some cruel sick joke.

And that muffin top? How did you get your hands on that picture of me? : )

10:41 a.m.  
Blogger Mary-LUE said...

Blech. I want to go down a bottle of anti-depressants just thinking about a jeans purchase. (Insert picture of Eeyore here.)

11:21 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

Blech. I've been putting that off for ages. The horror!

11:32 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Do you think you could get a pair of skinny jeans on Nixon? 'Cause that would be funny.

As for skinny jeans in general, somebody needs to put them back in the 1986 time capsule and never dig them up again.

12:31 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:32 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

You should try to find something age-appropriate for someone like me (past age 60 and 5 ft. 1 inch tall). Skinny I'm not, and comfortable I wanna be. So, I'm buying whatever fits well, is short enough, and doesn't make me look like a blimp stuffed into a sausage skin. I want to be able to bed over without the crack of my a** showing out. Those kinds of pictures end up on America's Funniest Home Videos.

12:33 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

yeaaaahhhh, the skinny jean is actually the invention of the devil. I had this experience last week and finally settled for a boy jean. Not so flattering, but no muffin tops or butt cracks in sight.

1:43 p.m.  
Anonymous MadMomma said...


The next time I need jeans, I am so there.

6:09 p.m.  
Blogger Monkey Butt's Mom said...

I'm not quite sure why 'skinny jeans' were popular even in the late 80's. And back then I was a scrawny teenager who might've looked good in them, but was too lost in camo pants and skateboards to even consider it.

Don't know what you got til it's gone, I guess. Tis a pity.

6:18 p.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

I'd just like to say that I think I make those maternity jeans look HOT! My belly may be rapidly growing but my ass isn't.

7:38 p.m.  
Blogger jellyhead said...

Oh no, not the skinny jeans!! (I don't even let my glance fall upon them, never mind TRYING THEM ON!)

I have to say, even though I have also given birth to heffalumps (and have the looser tummy skin to prove it) low-rise look OK in the right cut and not too tight. Of course I make sure my shirts cover me up. Moderately low-rise jeans make my bum look .... tolerable!

7:59 p.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

I cannot wait until the tunic-and-wideleg-pant people put the skinnyjean-and-crop-top people IN THE GROUND.

But I'm not bitter.

9:49 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

When I was a kid growing up we had these pants called "elephant pants". Why can't those come back in?

You probably dont remember them, you're too young. But they were big and roomy-that's what I need. Big and roomy.

11:20 a.m.  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

Hahaha ... I also hate the person who thought it would be a good idea to bring back the skinny jeans. But I have the secret for you on jeans. You can't get the kind you want at the mall. Nope. you have to go to a small boutique, one that's expensive, and ask the salesperson to help you. I recently bought 3 pairs of jeans (3!!!!) that I love, love, love, they were expensive and I had to try on 15 pairs first but MAN. I wear one of them every day. So bye bye mall jean shopping!

8:05 p.m.  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

I don't have to worry about the skinny jeans because I couldn't even get one leg into them. hehehe.

My only option is the low rider and I am constantly pulling it up...what ever happend to curvy jeans for curvy women? And like Jellyhead I cover up with my shirt.

8:37 p.m.  
Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Oh...and I failed to mention that I did go over and read about Nixon the World's greatest dog. Ever.

8:39 p.m.  
Blogger Daisydee said...

How bout hammer pants? You know you love em!!

PS. Quit stealing my BFF...lol

11:20 p.m.  

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