Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Mommy's Developed An Attitude

***Updated Below!!!***

Living in Canada, on the prairies, there are certain things a person can expect. An inept government, small children playing street hockey, and of course, snow.

I'm a big believer in the "If you can't beat it, embrace it" philosophy. Therefore, instead of whining and moaning about our weekly blizzards, I have learned to love them.

And if you believe that let me tell you about that magic money tree I sell on the side.

Most of the time, I do love the snow. Most of the time I don't have to go to the pharmacist to ask for a pill to kill the worms that may be crawling out of my ass. Most of the time I wake up to get doggy kisses instead of having the dog puke up disgusting chunks of last night's supper he rummaged out of the garbage. All over my upper half. Before I even got out of bed. Most of the time, if the phone rings at 6:30 in the morning, it is my husband calling to tell me how much he loves me and misses me and how I'm the sexiest thing to walk the earth. Instead of a 60 year old dude with a raspy smoker's voice calling to tell me to get my ass out of bed and phone all the parents on the bus route to tell them the buses are cancelled.

Most of the time, snow doesn't matter. Snow is beautiful. A white carpet of freshness that magically erases the ugliness of the day before.

Then there is the dreaded SNOW DAY.

So with the invisible worms, the doggie ralph and the angry parents (because I'm not the only mom who loves Snow Days), yeah, I freaking love winter this morning.

Especially when I tried to open my door to let my damn dog out (and yes, for today, Nixon has lost the title of the World's Greatest Dog. Ever. It went right into the toilet with all his vomit scraped off my arm and chest.) This is what I found:

This is how far I can open my front door. My ass is thin, but it ain't that thin.

This is what my world looks like this morning:

Rather bleak. And try as I might, I just couldn't capture the gusts of snow on camera. That might have something to do with the fact that I was too damn lazy to bundle up and go outside, but oh wait, I can't get out my front door.

For some perspective, this is the tree outside my bedroom window. It is five feet tall.

Yesterday, I could see most of it.

So today, I hate snow. My worm-loving, vomit covered self hates the snow.

To Mother Nature and Jack Frost I say:

Now I'm off to push my kids into a snow bank. That is, after they shovel the deck so I can squeeze my ass out the door.

Well, we are now on day two of the Blizzard That is Driving Mommy Batty. It has since stopped snowing, but the gusting winds and low temperatures mean that my darling children, whom I love more than sanity itself, are trapped inside my home, alone with their stark raving lunatic for a mother. Seeing as how it is currently -31 celcius (that's -24 to you Yanks) without the damn windchill factor, I have to keep everyone inside.

Which poses a problem for my dog who hasn't learned how to use the inside facilities just yet. And why didn't anyone tell me about having to shovel a path for a small dog just so the little shit will shit outside????? Yes, I'm talking to you Mrs. Chicky, dog-trainer extraordinaire!

Every time the damn dog needs to go outside I have to bundle up and brave the elements. I'm hairy, but I ain't that hairy. It's cold out there!!

For the rest of the day I plan on hiding in my pantry, drinking my mommy juice. And when the good stuff runs out I'll just start adding some whiskey to my cocoa.

This way, when the kid's coup d'etat is successful, I will be numb to the pain and oblivious to the consequences.

Pray for me people.


Blogger sillychick said...

Damn woman, here I got all excited this morning because we finally got a dusting of snow!

Can't go very far on a sled in this neck of the woods.

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I couldn't live there.
I love looking at the snow, but I can't drive a car in it. I'm like an old lady...ok, you're right-I AM an old lady, and I drive like one too.

What's with the perfect circle around the tree?

2:03 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

I do NOT want that much snow. But it would be nice to see at least one flake this winter. Nothing in CT. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Sucks.

6:03 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Reason #74 Why I Have Big Dogs - Snow. I don't have to shovel a path so they can go pee. Bwaahahahaha.

6:29 p.m.  
Blogger Wendy said...

As a very southern girl, that really scares me. I think I will run and hide under my bed just in case.

Have fun and just shove the dog through the door.

8:15 p.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

Oh the snow wasn't that bad. I could get out of my door, maybe it was because I actually shovel my walk every day. Just kidding. Just think of it as a winter wonderland. ;^)

9:03 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey T

Just spent the whole day(even when I should have been working) reading your blogs & LMAO. It was great to read your blogs & feel the love you have with your hub & kids. I hope me & my new hub can have a love/hate realtionship you have managed with your hubby.

The Newly Mrs. F

9:28 p.m.  
Blogger Jozet said...

Don't you hate when people say this?

"I want snow!"

I do. It's been a balmy 60 degress here and I want some snow. I bought everyone fairly pricey snow boots this year, and if we don't get snow, i'm going to fee like an ass.

With worms.

(omg, that story had me lol!)

As for the pinworms...well, we got headlice once from an acting class where all the kids had to rub heads. Just pray you don't get that particular plague, too.

9:59 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Yikes! That's a whole lot of snow you've got there.

I couldn't survive that. If I were there, you would see an arm sticking out of the snow using an empty KFC bucket shielding my head from the snow.

1:16 a.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Thank goodness for blogging, the internet, digital cameras, and hot cocoa. Otherwise, you really WOULD go bonkers being stuck in the house for several days on end. Most of us in the lower 48 are "wishing" for some snow because this has been the craziest winter on record. We've also been having 50 and 60 degree F. weather. When it finally does snow a few flakes, the grocery store shelves will become bare to the bones because everybody will freak out. They should only have to live where a five-foot tree only sticks out of the snow cover a few inches. I experienced a snow like that once in Chicago in 1967 or so. Not fun.

You know, if you actually teach your greatest dog ever to use the commode, you could get a video of it and submit it to America's Funniest Home Videos. Maybe you can win the $10,000 because the image of a pooch using a toilet is actually funnier than a grown woman shoveling a path in waist-high snow so a little dog could poo without freezing his a** off.

11:24 a.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

oh, hang in there. mommy juice does help. :o)

2:24 p.m.  
Blogger Heather said...

I speak only for myself when I say out here in the centre of the universe (Ontario) we'd be happy to take some of your snow. We haven't been getting much these last years, and I really miss it. :(

4:56 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good grief! I'm FREEZING after seeing those pictures. I would write more, but I gotta go find a coat!

6:32 p.m.  
Blogger Firestarter5 said...

It's going to be 8 degrees in southern Ontario on Friday....sorry :)

7:16 p.m.  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

That is some BIG snow, my dear...Not being able to open your front door...Lordy! And poor dear Nixon, and you!!! Out there in that freezing white stuff with a terrible wind chill, too! UGH!
I couldn't take this kind of weather any more...I had a hard time with it when I did live in it...Now? Well, no way.

1:49 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

Holy crap!
And we hardly have any over on this side.
So weird.
(I'm bravely ignoring the 'worms' part of this post)

8:05 a.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

The day winter finally hits us here in CT, that middle-finger-in-the-snow image is going up as my computer wallpaper.

1:26 p.m.  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

I felt your pain clearly. I'm in rural alberta as well. Wasn't that just a lovely little blizzard?

10:15 a.m.  

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