Monday, January 08, 2007

Parenting Ain't Pretty

When I started blogging, I did so with the intent of remaining anonymous. Easier said than done. Slowly, I became a little less unknown. First, I showed the husband and held my breath, waiting and watching for signs of anger or annoyance. After all, I regularly picked on him and his Mr. Pickle for blog fodder. Instead, he laughed. (Which is why I married him and remain firmly entrenched as his doting wife.) But he loved my blog so much he told a friend. And then I told a friend, and soon a whole bunch of friends knew about my anonymous blog.

Now, pretty much everyone but my mother, mother-in-law and my Boo's sisters (because they'd rat me out quicker than a hummingbird's heart beat) knows about my not-so-secret website. In fact, this weekend while I was at a pub, the D.J. wanted to talk to me so he called the Redneck Mommy up to the stage. I realized he was calling me!

Now that I am not so anonymous, I am keenly aware that my blog has ramifications it didn't before my "outing." Do I continue making snarky remarks about my mother, my MIL, or my genetically challenged family? Will my children be affected by the words I tumble out into cyber space? How far should I go to protect their privacy?

It is with great thought and consideration that I bring to you today's post. It was not an easy decision, I wrestled with it like I would wrestle my older brother for the last Pop-Tart. Not only is this post highly embarrassing to my daughter, but it is of an unseemly topic.

But in the interest of honesty and public education I have decided to proceed. Any mother (or father) who has had to clean up vomit, wipe up splattered poop, pick boogers or sop up blood from an open wound can deal with this. After all, parenting isn't clean. It's messy. We all know that.

And for you parents out there in the midst of the terrible twos or the foggy newborn stage: Brace yourselves. It gets worse.

I'm share because I care.

My daughter Fric, has been complaining of having a rash on her um, buttocks for the past week or so. She gets quite red faced and shamed; after all she is ten and almost an adult. Snort.

Finally after listening to her whine and peering at her bottom to look at this invisible rash, I had enough. I took her to our pediatrician, The Big Cheese. My love for The Big Cheese is well documented. I would marry this man if polygamy was legal out here in the sticks. So driving for an hour for the T.B.C. to peer at my daughter's bottom is not really a hardship.

Plus, there are Starbucks and Tim Horton's in the city. Win-win.

After the Big Cheese squeezed me in the warmest bear hug known to mankind, he ushered us into an exam room and proceeded to pepper us with questions. It was like being reunited with your best friend. Never mind the fact that this was the man who regularly gloved up and shoved his fingers in my child's bottom. (Come to think of it, he's done that to more than one child of mine.) Nevermind this was the same man who came at us with flu-shot the way a veterinarian would come after a lion with a tranquilizer needle. Just ram it in and get the hell out of the way. No, The Big Cheese will always be a member of our family no matter what atrocities he commits in the name of health care.

After our chat he told Fric to hop up and lose the pants. Suddenly my once red-faced daughter was eager to shed her bottoms. A kind smile and a charming word or two from a handsome man was all it took for her to drop her drawers and get on all fours.

That sentence is alarming on soooo many levels. Lord, have mercy and give me strength to get through her teen years...

A quick perusal of Fric's bottom half, he told her to hop down and get dressed. "See," I told her, "that wasn't so bad." I was all righteous with parental authority, so sure was I that this was all in her head.

Turns out I was right. There was no rash. It was in her head. But it is so much worse.


I just about died laughing (yes, because I am a kind and supportive mother...) when he told Fric and me the diagnosis. Fric wasn't understanding what having Pinworms meant, so in the most sympathetic and reassuring way I could muster, I explained.

"You have worms in your ass."

My beautiful ten year old daughter was horrified. Indignant, she denied this and looked to The Big Cheese to prove me wrong.

Instead, our lovely pediatrician, my hero, laughed and said, "Yup, you've got worms crawling out of your butt. Don't tell your brother."

By now, I'm laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face and my lovely daughter is slowly killing me with her death glare.

"It's not funny, Mom!"

That's when The Big Cheese handed over the prescription and reassured my daughter everything would be fine, the worms would die. And then he told me everyone in our house had to take the medicine. Because we all might be infected.

Suddenly it wasn't so funny. And my non-itchy ass has started to itch at the mere thought.

I chose to breed for this.

An itchy ass and more mouths a mother could feed.

May the Pinworms never visit your home.


Blogger Junebugg said...

I remember those days 8-}
Just think of the milage you can get out of this post when she does hit the teens. You can do a lot of blackmail with info like this and it's documented on the internet!

3:29 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

I bet that if Nixon could understand this diagnosis, he'd be less keen to lick people's butts!!

4:28 p.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...




There are no words. Just gratuitous laughter.

4:34 p.m.  
Anonymous s@m said...

I almost feel bad for laughing my ass off! Your poor girl. I would be mortified at ten to hear that I had worms coming out of my ass! What a day, and yes... this is GREAT blackmail for those "better" days!

4:53 p.m.  
Blogger bubandpie said...

Watch out - that medicine will make you thirsty. :)

6:24 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

I've got some joke about dogs in a kennel but it seems inappropriate. Plus I'm laughing too hard to finish this comment.


7:07 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh, God. We lived in fear of this when Mr. Chicken was a schoolteacher in the - ahem - urban district we used to live in.

Poor baby girl. I have to say, if I were her, I'd kill you for this one! :)

7:55 p.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

Just think of the stories you can tell at her wedding!! Or at least threaten her with...
I think I will wait a few days before I come over to visit. ;^)

8:07 p.m.  
Blogger Detroiter said...

Oh my lord, forget medical books--blogs are where the *real* information lies. And to think, I thought pinworms only happened to dogs and cats and other wild beasts.

8:47 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

This is just too funny. To me. Not to your daughter. Before she learns real internet search skills, you will have to bring the internet to an end to hide this post.

9:34 p.m.  
Anonymous K said...

hahaha pin worms. poor kid.

question is -- how the hell did she get those?

9:56 p.m.  
Anonymous Liza said...

"You have worms in your ass."

You're such a great mom :0) I wouldn't have been able to stop howling with laughter long enough to get that much out.

We have not (yet) had the pinworms here. I hope we never do, because...ew.

10:33 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Too funny!

That kid of your is going to need a lot of therapy to get over that one.

1:48 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

"A kind smile and a charming word or two from a handsome man was all it took for her to drop her drawers and get on all fours"

Apple doesn't fall from the tree now does it?

5:12 a.m.  
Blogger Earth Girl said...

I followed the link to read about your first meeting with TBC. No wonder you are pursuing the adoption of a special needs child! Somewhere there is a child whose mother cannot say fuck you when learning the truth about her infant. My sons' birth mother couldn't handle it and there is a foster mother in Indianapolis who saved my sons' lives. She is an awesome woman and so are you.

And I'd worry a bit about Roxylynn telling the story about the worms coming out of your daughter's ass.

6:46 a.m.  
Blogger Kyla said...

Oh wow. Is the only symptom an itchy bum? BubTar has had one for a while now, but we think it is an apple juice sensitivity. Now I'm super creeped out, maybe we shall be visiting our pediatrician.

3:05 p.m.  
Blogger Ben & Bennie said...

"A kind smile and a charming word or two from a handsome man was all it took for her to drop her drawers and get on all fours"

Apple doesn't fall from the tree now does it? - KimmyK

And I had just finished scraping the snot of the screen from reading this yesterday.

5:03 p.m.  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

Don't you have to boil the bedding, too? Ugh.

My charming MIL came to visit us once and only after using our bathroom no less than 3 times mentioned that "I have pinworms." Oh thanks so much for the advance warning, we only have 3 kids under 8 and a pregnant woman here (at the time). When DH made a comment to that effect she rather indignantly said "well, I clean up after myself, what are you worried about?"

I hit the room with bleach the second the door clicked shut when they left.

5:51 p.m.  
Blogger Kat Campbell said...

Don't ya just hate it when they AREN'T being hypochondriacs? Don't worry about outing your kids, Joan River's kid survived it.

6:10 p.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

Another beautiful post! Amazing how you don't have to make it up. It just happens.

7:48 p.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

So many responses going through my head: OMG, WTH, *cringe* and *ew*, to name a few. That you suddenly stopped laughing when the doc said everyone in the family had to take medicine was just the topper, I gotta say. ;^) Pinworms are easy to get, though. See Good luck with this! Oh, and now I'll be suspicious of every little itch and twitch I see in my son. ;^)

4:51 a.m.  
Blogger The other me said...

I love being a mother, when my oldest was 6, he got nits, right after he got a microscope for christmas,I thought it was SO cool to show him what a nit looked like under the 'scope. Nightmares for weeks that he still remembers 15 years later.
i am thrilled to have found your blog, hoorah another good one for my list of daily reads!

5:18 a.m.  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

Ack..that and lice are the two things that I fear the most.

3:57 p.m.  
Blogger L-Girl said...

Oh my god this is a funny story!!! I can't even imagine! Have you checked the dog's ass too??

5:26 p.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Been there, done that, at least 25+ years ago. Not funny to mother, dad, or the kids no matter how many years go by.

Even though this is "funny" blog fodder, hope the entire family recovers sufficiently from the gross factor to some day laugh about this.

11:39 a.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

After reading this...oh, I hope your daughter feels well soon. deworming is not a well-conversed subject, but more people should. You should check out Dec 2005, the Poop Diaries on my blog. great fun to be had.

2:32 p.m.  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Poor Fric!

I would be horrified too!!!

5:46 p.m.  

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