Monday, November 20, 2006

The Magic Moment

Warning, this post is ridiculously long, and filled with inappropriate subject matter. Any Japanese exchange students who should not be reading this, please close the window, now. Thank you. Any one over 18 years old, feel free to continue.

Let's talk sex. No reason to be shy about the subject. We've all had it. Granted, some have had it more than others, but let's try not to get jealous, shall we?

Frankly, with all the talk of babies and impending births around the blogosphere, it's enough to get this momma into the mood. (It's hard to hear all the voices in my head, with the ticking from my biological clock getting louder every second...)

As a woman who has been in a relationship with the same man for almost 13 years, married for nine and half of those years, and best yet, have known her beloved Boo since she was in diapers, well, suffice it to say, there is little mystery left.

Frankly, it's a bit of a miracle that when we see each other naked we don't run screaming in the opposite direction.

To counteract this er, boredom, I have gone to great measures to keep things, um, up.

We've had couch sex (kinda loses something when you both fall off..), floor sex (but really, is rug burn worth it?), and counter top sex (not so fun for the tailbone, and more to the point, I prepare food for my children on that surface....). Over the years there hasn't been a surface area we haven't tried to christen.

(Please understand, dear internet, we were very young and stupid when we started bumping uglies. We had a lot more stamina a decade, and three children ago.)

But now, it's hard to hear the soft moans and little pants over top the creaking and cracking of our joints. Quite the aphrodisiac, I assure you.

So what is a happily married couple to do?

Keeping in mind, I am the world's biggest prude. (Sort of an oxymoron, with me putting my private bedroom moments out for the world to ridicule, I am aware.)

That effectively rules out, well, pretty much everything. Sure, we've tried toys and videos, but if it requires electricity of any sort it just seems not worth it. Who has time to find batteries or go and turn the damn video player on, because one of our darling kids put the remote in the trash bag when I wasn't looking.

We've tried dirty talk, but that just makes me laugh my ass off. Not quite the effect my hubs had in mind when he asked if I wanted to be his dirty girl. Apparently, my giggles have a some what wilting effect on parts of his anatomy.

We've done food. But rubbing each other with whipcream or chocolate just reminds each of us of dessert and instead of leading to passionate love making, we get sidetracked and end up in the kitchen making sundaes and then toddling off to bed with our full bellies and never finishing what we had meant to start in the first place.

There is an upside to this problem. (I think.) At least we still desire to do it. Perhaps not always with one another, but our libidos do exist. There hasn't been a need for pharmaceutical interventions just yet.

But, after thirteen years, it is hard to feel that passion, that spark, that certain excitement that new lovers experience. No, there have been too many fights, too many tears, too many times you have had to pass him a roll of toilet paper as he sits on the throne. There have been too many intimacies. Teeth picking, farting in bed and my personal favorite, child birthing.

(Of course, all that physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy, but that's a post for another day.)

And as anyone in a relationship knows, sex is a big part of the equation. With out sex, you may as well be in a relationship with your brother. (Or your cousin, as many of Boo's relatives know...)

Boo and I have worked hard to plow through our sexual minefield. We overcame mismatched sex drives, lethargy, laziness and lately, his absences. It's sort of hard to get your groove on when he is in another town.

Now that the kids are older, it also brings in a new twist. How quiet can we do it? It's kind of like having sex in your bedroom while your parents are upstairs watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not that I'd ever know anything about that, of course.

When the kids were younger, if they barged in on us and asked why Daddy was on top of Mommy, we'd simply tell them we were wrestling. And then tell them to go watch The Lion King for the umpteenth time. (I never said I was the parent of the year.)

Now, if they barge in on us, they have a fairly good idea that we aren't, in fact, wrestling. Case in point, this summer, the hubs and I decided to get our groove on while the kids were outside, playing on the trampoline. We thought we would indulge in a little afternoon delight. Unbeknownst to us, the little buggers had snuck back in for a snack while we were, er, busy. (Thank God we locked the bedroom door.)

When we were all dressed and satisfied, my hubs wandered out to get a drink, when the kids surprised him in the kitchen. They asked what we were doing and why the bedroom door was locked, and Boo told them we were talking about Shalebug. (Sorry, dear angelboy. Your daddy is not a quick thinker...)

My darling Fric, is, however, quick on the uptake. She knew something was up. She loudly asked why, if we were talking about her departed brother, was mommy moaning and telling daddy that it felt so good.


I avoided their prying eyes for the rest of the day. I might as well have just opened up the bedroom door and given the little dudes an x-rated show.

So sex can be a bit of a chore around these parts. But I like to think that practice will eventually make perfect. Or at least a good red wine can help.

We keep our doors closed, our mouths shut, and we just keep trying. Because if we stop trying to have sex, we stop trying to master our marriage.

But there was one thing we forgot.

Last night, in the heat of the moment, things were looking pretty good. (Wink, wink.) Just when that magic moment was going to happen for a certain husband who shall remain anonymous, tragedy struck.

Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog. Ever, became a little concerned for his mommy. And decided he should check on her. And as he passed by a certain anonymous husband's bare ass, he decided to do what any good doggie would do.

He gave it a sniff. And then he licked it.

Apparently, it was a bit of a mood killer. Who knew?

So if you happen to see a certain snarly-faced man, with a bad attitude roaming your street, do yourself a favour.

Don't ask him how his night went. And certainly don't inquire about his dog.

Because not everyone likes an ass-licker.


Anonymous Jojo said...

O.M.G. What a work up to a horrible experience (unless he liked it!) Gross, I'll never look at him the same!!! Did you even get to finish? Ha who am I kidding? Do we ever get to finish!! Good luck tonight, maybe it'll work out better.

9:10 a.m.  
Blogger Bethany said...

Holy crap, I think I just peed myself at work I'm laughing so hard.

10:59 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

HA! I'm crying! Real tears of laughter!

Nixon, the greatest butt-licking, mood killing, dog. Ever. Heehee.

11:05 a.m.  
Blogger Daisydee said...

That's hilarous!! Poor guy.

You know there are some men that wouldn't even let that bother them and just keep on a goin.

Nixon was keepin him in check. LOL

12:18 p.m.  
Blogger Denice said...

O.M.G. That's hilarious!!!

And don't worry so much about your kids hearing you. They will get over it. Growing up my sister and I slept in the basement directly underneath Mom & Dad's bedroom. The floor squeaked and they were NOT QUIET, and we knew exactly what they were doing up there. It grossed us out when we first figured it out, but as the years went by, we just turned on the stereo and talked until it was over. I wonder if my parents know that…

12:21 p.m.  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

LOL Bad dog! ;^)

12:58 p.m.  
Blogger dennis said...

Ok, that was toooo funny!

3:27 p.m.  
Blogger Kristin said...

Oh Nixon, you little jolt of cold water, you!

Laughing myself stupid over here...

3:41 p.m.  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...Too much! I have missed visiting you my dear...missed your wonderful humor and your dry wit!!
You guys do have your problems....Now, about Nixon....I take it it the door wasn't locked? Or, did Nixon get locked in with you? You jusr never know what a dog is going to do, do you? (lol)

5:50 p.m.  
Blogger Wendy said...

That was the best. I am glad to hear that others have trouble doing the deed with all the chaos of kids and life.

And now you have shattered my dreams of great sex when the kids get older. I thought once we got them to sleep through the night we would be set. Now, you tell me you have muffle yourself and lock the door. I bet get on hubby to fix the bedroom door.

That's for the laugh.

7:10 p.m.  
Anonymous roxylynn said...

Oh my goodness!! I laughed my ass off!!! Are you sure I can't say anything to Boo dearest??!! It'll be hard to keep a straight face around him for a while. Way too funny!!

7:54 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I felt a little dirty reading this.

Better him than you.

8:18 p.m.  
Blogger jellyhead said...

Are you absolutely sure you're a prude?!

I'm not buying it!

10:44 p.m.  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Too funny! I'm not believing the prude thing.

What if the dog comes back for seconds?

1:06 a.m.  
Anonymous dreadmouse said...

I... don't know what to say to that. Except that Nixon would no longer be the best dog in my books!

9:04 a.m.  
Blogger Mom101 said...

THis is hilarious! I think you're speaking for so many people here - thank the lord for red wine. That's all I'm saying.

9:50 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

I can't stop giggling about Nixon. I can so picture it! Ummm ... wait ... ewwww.
I found sex got stale when Husband finally moved in here. Daughter's older now, like you said. And then we got Daisy, and I for sure can't be getting all nasty with that cute little puppy anywhere in the vicinity. *sigh*
Let me know when you come up with a solution, 'kay?

10:43 a.m.  
Anonymous J said...

That is too funny poor hubby! While I havent had the same experience, my fave was when I had DH fondling and doing his thing on the front half of me and our cat who had snuck in doing her kneading and purring in the hair on the back on my head. She got evicted quite quickly.

11:29 a.m.  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...


That one really put the Kegels to the test.

5:37 p.m.  
Blogger Bobita said...

That there is FUN-NY!!!

I won't soon forget, "not everyone likes an ass-licker."

Seriously, seriously FUNNY.

2:20 a.m.  
Blogger Motherkitty said...

Isn't that how dogs get to know one another -- by sniffing other dogs behinds and licking them? I'm sure that was a stellar moment for hubby. He didn't know that Nixon was just trying to be friendly.

As I sit here wiping my eyes from laughing so hard very early in the morning, I want to thank you for keeping me amused and entertained. You never fail to amaze me with your wit, charm, and good taste. I would never have the chutzpah to write what you did and tell about my sex life. No, ma'am. If I ever told you what happened one time between husband, I, and our male cat, you would probably cough up a hairball.

5:04 a.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

Okay, now you have to post a permanent picture of Nixon somewhere on your blog with the caption "Not everyone likes an ass-licker." Seriously. If you send me a pic of him, I will do it. That is freaking priceless.

9:34 a.m.  
Blogger Christina said...

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard while trying to be quiet (because I'm at work).

It's true, sex seems to get harder the longer you're married. And my problem now is that I'm pregnant, and have no sex drive whatsoever. Ugh.

1:46 p.m.  
Blogger Weekends Off said...


that was the funniest thing I have read ever....

1:52 p.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

wow. just .... wow.

3:13 p.m.  
Blogger Above Average Joe said...

As a matter of fact for the first time my 5 yr old son almost caught my wife & I last night. Talk about a mood buster

8:12 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

He-LLOOOO Nixon!!

You are hilarious. I read this yesterday and I still.can't.stop. sniggering.

Poor Boo. Poor you. Actually, poor Nixon! He probably thought he was going to get lucky tonight!

8:39 p.m.  
Blogger L-Girl said...

That is only supposed to happen on TV!!! Oh no!! At least you were enjoying the moment until....

10:26 a.m.  

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