Friday, January 12, 2007

What's In a Name?

One morning, after months of lurking about and stalking my favorite blogs, I gathered up my courage, collected my thoughts and made the big leap. I pressed PUBLISH for the first time. I struggled with what to name my blog, as I didn't have a clear concept of what my site would be about. Obviously it would mention my children, because after more than 30 months of pregnancy (collectively, of course), seemingly endless hours of torture labour, multiple stitches and a total loss of dignity, they are an integral part of my self.

That and the law says I have to feed them.

I knew I would be writing about my darling husband because I love him so. And if I kept quiet about all the stupid shit he says my head was in danger of popping like an over-filled helium balloon. (But he's the bestest, sexiest, most generous husband this lady could scrape up around these parts. And I love you so and miss you, in case this is the odd freaking time you decide to READ my blog.)

But I needed to name my blog. As I sat staring at my glowing screen, listening to the hum of my beautiful iMAC, I was suddenly at a loss for anything creative. Or remotely clever.

Immediately, the words 'Redneck Mommy' popped into my head. I wasn't bright enough to Google them first. Nope, I was blinded by mirth, so delighted in my ahem, cleverness that I simply ran with them.

(I was remembering a hot summer day when I was ten and I asked what a redneck meant. My uncle pointed to his very sunburned neck and said this. Ironically, he meant himself and not his fried skin. I was TEN. Oops.)

Knowing that my mother would die of mortification if she knew I called myself a redneck, (or my family a bunch of hillbillies) I pressed the lovely PUBLISH button once more. Nothing like an act of passive aggressive cowardness to really stick it to your mother. (I have since spent the last year trying to keep quiet the fact that I have a blog, let alone her finding out the name of said blog.)

I didn't understand how creative the Google-loving perverts could be. Or how the word "Redneck" is really just code for hillbilly porn. It's been an education. Some of it funny, some of it just plain ewww....

Because I am celebrating the fact that I managed to shove my children onto the school bus this morning and then flee like a third-rate bank robber, and because I am celebrating the fact that I can leave my dog outside to shit on his own, I have decided to share some of the Google searches that have lead the public to me.

Not you of course, dear internet. The other public. Wink, wink.

Pissed on the Ground: Well, I don't, but my neighbour has been known to. Especially if I am standing nearby, wearing slippers.

My Neighbours are hillbilly trash: See above.

Redneck toothless smile: That would be my Daddy's toothless grin you're googling.

Tacky tattoo redneck: What's your point? Some tramp stamps having meaning.

rabbit murderer: And Google led you HERE??? As far as I know, I haven't been guilty of that since they actually started selling premade home pregnancy kits.

origin of baby showers: I don't know, but if you find out could you let me know? Because after the pain that was my sister's, somebody has some explaining to do.

husband is hung: If you mean in the literal sense, hanged, like a certain Iraqi warlord, then no, no he isn't. If you mean hung in a more pornographic way, I'm certain he would agree with you. I, however, am refraining from commenting on the size of Mr. Pickle.

I want to know how a dandelion grows: Something to do with water and sunlight. Having worked in a greenhouse and priding myself on having a huge green thumb, I should know. But when I see the little suckers I kill first and then ask questions later. I'd advise the same action unless you are fond of the prolific little weeds.

picture of kid duct taped to wall: A work of art, if I say so myself.

redneck magic: That would be what happens in our bedroom. Wink, wink.

Does Kraft Dinner Give You TapeWorms:  Not sure about that. But there is a case to be made for Pinworms.

After collecting my Google queries and writing this post, I realized something.

I really am a redneck. And there are some questionable folk out there. Questionable, perverted folk.

Welcome to my blog.

****Edit: These are not the dirty ones either... I couldn't type past all the blushing I was doing! And DELURK dammit! I mean, pretty please...****


Blogger Kyla said...

*lol* Hilarious!

8:53 a.m.  
Blogger J. said...

Oh yeah, I get some bizarre ones at times too.
Whackjobs everywhere ...

10:07 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

Love this! I must also be a redneck, because for awhile I was the second Google search result for "Brittney Spears crotch."

Don't ask me how. I'm just lucky that way.

10:28 a.m.  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Yeah, I've definitely been getting some interesting ones now that I have joined the "future MILF's"


10:46 a.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I got one-"nipples pierced smoking cigarette while swearing at your children".

I sent them onto you. Since I mean...that's has YOU written all over it.

I did get one it said BEST.DOG.EVER.
I knew right then they were looking for my Dan and Maggie. My dogs, tyvm.

11:29 a.m.  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

What? Nothing about hairy rednecks? I bet that was in the dirty searches, huh?

11:57 a.m.  
Anonymous Kim said...

Delurking to say I love your blog!

1:04 p.m.  
Blogger ECR said...

What a warm welcome to such interesting personalities. You are a good hostess. I bet you throw pretty good parties.

1:30 p.m.  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

Delurking because it's the time to do that - Hi! I've been reading just a little while, I found you through Her Bad Mother, I think. You are hilarious! I have 4 kids under the age of 8, including a 2 month old baby, and my parenting skills bear a striking similarity to yours. Plus I come from a certified Redneck family - most of them born and raised in Virginia.

2:14 p.m.  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

I learn something new from you every day.

"Tramp stamp"? LOVE IT.

2:41 p.m.  
Blogger stefanierj said...

Ooooh, you bring out the nasty in the internets, RM, you really do.

I think the only weird one I've ever gotten was "ode to a bee." *sigh* I'll have to live vicariously through you.

4:14 p.m.  
Blogger Linda said...

I have deactivated the cloaking device a time or two when I've popped by but I just wanted to say yet again what a kick I get out of your writing.

Thank you for making me laugh!

4:27 p.m.  
Blogger Canucked-up mama said...

I'm delurking to say great blog. Your writing is fabulous. Thanks for making me laugh!

Alas, I cannot take credit for any of the fun Googles you described - I merely followed a link to find your blog. But I now have a great excuse for not serving my babe KD (when she's old enough to ask for it).

6:36 p.m.  
Blogger Em said...

LOL...too funny! And after the 'hubby is hung' search, maybe it is a good day for him to read. He'll be so proud that Google thought of him! :)

8:45 p.m.  
Blogger Joker The Lurcher said...

hi from the lurking lurcher! and can i use that brilliant cartoon on my blog?

11:59 p.m.  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Those are great! I get all the dirty suburban housewife searches. :D

8:23 a.m.  
Blogger Sara said...

ROTFL!! I gotta figure out how people find ME. Could be frightful or delightful.

Happy De-Lurk week!!

6:40 p.m.  
Blogger kimmyk said...

You know what I'm gonna say so I won't even say it.

9:24 a.m.  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

oh, for all that is good and rednecked...

those are fabulous!

word searches show the best in people, don't they?

4:43 p.m.  
Blogger julia said...

I get some doozies on my blog, too.

And hi! I don't think I've ever commented here, although I've been reading you for a while now.

5:34 p.m.  
Blogger My float said...

Hilarious. But one thing - you were blushing about all the dirty Google searches? I think I laughed harder at that than any of the actual searches!

PS. You must teach me how to run that Google search...

11:43 a.m.  

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